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The Rafters and The Rope

I am lost, pissed, hurt, trapped, confused, depressed and this is not G-Rated

During the meeting my hurt grew beyond words as my mental illness was the only condition singled out. The other party’s condition was off limits to discussion even though a child will be residing with them and not me. Their mental illness does not need to be reviewed even though many have witnessed negative traits easily transferred to a child who suffers with the same condition, including the therapist’s observation. I have no rights as to someone’s mental condition as they care for the child. It’s just another thing taken away.

Someone said that he will not move to NY because NC is his home. That hurtful, ridiculous comment is ringing in my fucking head over and over and over again. YOU are not his home, home is where your immediate family resides all together, that is where home is. You are a transplant and have moved from your so called home, I am a transplant and moved from my home. So for the past 14 years I have lived in a house with my family and was NEVER FUCKING HOME? What the hell have I been doing here? So the child born to this home is also “home” and I seem to be displaced or lost and have no idea through all these years that I did not belong.

This same person made a devastating comment to me years ago, I unfortunately will never forget. When I was diagnosed Bipolar, they stated, “I have always thought that”. Are you kidding me…….I don’t know what to say. The same person seems to be the child’s mother figure now. They decided upon not moving forward with a decision I had made months ago with my partner regarding the child. They just took the bull by its horns while he just sat there saying nothing, Just keep ripping my fucking heart out, just keep stomping the life out of it and I am EXPECTED to communicate NICELY or there will be no response…………….I stayed alive tonight by writing this tribute to you…..so thank you

To round up the meeting with the best shit for last was to reiterate how I wanted to end my CONSTANT SUFFERING and BURDENSOME BEHAVIORS with a suicide attempt while I have a son who needs me. I surely needed to fucking hear that, thank you so much for what you have given me and what will ring over and over again in my ears as I patiently wait and wait and wait for some medicinal miracle to save my life and lessen the INTENSE stress for those around me…………..

I torture myself by looking up stories of people struggling as a couple and I do not find many stories I can relate to. Why is that??

  • I do not take drugs
  • I do not drink alcohol
  • I do not have outside sexual encounters
  • I do not discontinue medications
  • I get plenty of sleep
  • I HAVE been seeking CONSTANT treatment for years

So I am not the typical bipolar person who has difficulty in partnership, but my partner is the typical non-bipolar spouse and is confirming statistical data on the 90% that do not make it.

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When I don’t have to leave the house it is a huge sense of relief. Staying home is my preference because anxiety will overcome me. Anxiety will build when I know groceries and gas are low, but I will wait until the last piece of bread is eaten or the gas light is illuminated (this is almost constant because I usually can only stay for a mere $20 worth). 

Anxiety is fucking crippling and this bitch rules me along with bipolar moods.

Time of day- if I don’t leave the house before 11  I probably won’t go shopping. There will be traffic and long lines.

Noise- if I do venture out during active hours I may run into potential stress-screaming or unruly children in line. These are triggers and could send me into a full blown panic attack (where I would just leave my cart and go home). During high anxiety every sound has the same volume. People talking, the music, the buzzing of the lights, cell phones ringing, cash register buttons, opening and closing of doors, the shuffle of groceries and my brain is on stimulation overload and need to exit quickly because it is impossible for me to function and focus.

Getting gas-this is also a challenge. I need to make sure there are no problems; the station is off the road I am driving on, no lines, the pump is close to the clerk, there are no people gathering outside (they may see the fear in my face or worse, make a comment resulting in verbal conflict-fight or flight response).

I have to keep a bottle of water, lavender spray, chap-stick, gum/candy, e-cigarette in my purse at all times for stressful moments. Anxiety brings about heavy breathing, drying the throat and lips. The electronic cigarette and lavender spray may calm me.

There are only a few times I am not in the house by 3:30 (well before traffic) because I can get lost easily and driving in the dark is a nightmare. I will avoid going into the public at all costs when there is a hint of anxiety…..



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“Diana, you make me tired just watching you” or “Where do you get the energy for all this” were normal questions people asked of me over the years. Hypomania and mania were very common moods where I could multi-task and run circles around anyone without being tired. Christmas cards and cookies were started the day after Thanksgiving, bills were paid early, dinner was prepared by 9am, nothing in the house was out of order, no appointments were forgotten and my arrival time was always 10 minutes early.

Bipolar Disorder has a vice grip around my head affecting every aspect of my life. I feel like time has stood still for 3 years wasted with this shitty illness that knocks me around physically and emotionally, not to mention the impact on my family.

Being a designer and a perfectionist (or was a perfectionist) is a double hit because everything inside and outside of my house needs to be designed perfectly, EVERYTHING. When I get stuck and hyper-focus on something that is not working, I feel absolute disgust with myself, the anxiety with frustration builds and depression is intensified.

It can be unbearable to realize someone else CAN DO THIS and I have to WAIT until my mood episode changes. Wait….Wait…Wait while time passes by….

Walking away and try again later when feeling better….. Easier said than done.

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There is never a typical day and one never knows what the mood will be. High anxiety, paranoia, panic, irritability, anger/rage, depression, hypomania or mania are some of my typical days. Hypomania is the closest to a “normal mood”, but always ends in depression or full blown mania. These moods are influenced by sleep, stress, my personal triggers (events that change mood) and side effects from medication or the interaction of many. It is difficult to plan anything or to work (so I don’t). I’m a recluse and isolation is much easier to handle. I avoid people, mail/email, phone calls at all costs because the energy needed to “fake it” is exhausting.

The correct medication should keep bipolars pretty even, but not perfect. For 3 years doctors have been trying to find the compromise and failed.

I seem to be a “rapid cycler”, which means I have at least 4 changes in mood each year, with depression as the dominant. This type of bipolarism is more difficult to treat and when combined with panic disorder, ADHD, and Seasonal Affective Disorder it is a nightmare. Some medications that treat certain conditions cannot be used because of the danger of intensifying other conditions. Medications include a mood stabilizer, anti-depressant, stimulant, anti-anxiety, sleeping pill and sometimes an anti-psychotic at one time.

So chances are that a typical day is a shitty day…….

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Nurse Tara asked me when I would like to start pushing because I was now fully dilated. She was so kind and showed such compassion that I was able to choose the approximate time Tanner would be a stillborn angel. This was about 2 in the afternoon and I don’t know why I said 3pm, but that is the time I chose.

All of the medication made me sick and I had to vomit. It came fast and hard. The small kidney shaped bowl is what my husband reached for but I kept pointing to the garbage can saying “bigger”. Nurse Tara was quick to understand and got the can to my mouth before it came.

Nurse Tara went to telephone the Doctor about the 3 o’clock labor time. The hour went by slow and my heart was beating so fast. I wanted him here, yet I did not know what a dead baby would look like. Within this hour I did ask Nurse Tara what will we see when Tanner is born. She said that the lack of oxygen might have turned his coloration pale and his lips could be crimson in color. The skin will be very fragile and may have torn in some places depending on how long ago Tanner died. This information was also provided in the literature she gave me earlier in the day. My husband and I agreed to have Nurse Tara take Tanner away when born to clean him and prepare us for what we might see.

2:45pm and Nurse Tara wanted to check my cervix again before the doctor arrived. She asked my family to leave except for my husband and mother-in-law. My mother-in-law and I are very close and she asked me if I wanted her to stay since my own mother could not be there. I was so glad she offered.

My father-in-law, girlfriend and husband’s aunt and uncle said goodbye. They kissed and hugged us like it was the last.

When Nurse Tara pulled up my gown to check on progress, looked at me, tilted her head and said “Tanner is here”.

The Birth of My Stillborn Baby-Part 1

The Birth of My Stillborn Baby-Part 10

Peace Love and Hugs from Above  www.justacloudaway.com


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