Archive for the ‘Rocky Roads Ahead’ Category

The doormat lay in the same spot daily for it has a task to carry out. It diligently provides its owner with a firm welcome eliminating feces, dirt, and past insignificant filth from the soul of the shoes. The doormat knows when unwanted garbage is removed, its owner can start a new day with cleanliness, free from carrying signs of the unwanted past into the new day.

The doormat cannot survive without being tended to and everyday hopes to be renewed. The doormat knows its life can be extended if attention is given to its proper care.


The filth comes everyday with the same pattern of movement wearing down the durabilty and strength it had when purchased. The luster begins to fade and seams tatered by the repetition of the owners past journey. The doormat knows it may be discarded because of its defects and can no longer serve any purpose for the owner. Even in neglect, the doormat has hope of a new life because recycling will follow after the owner throws it away. With that hope comes  another home to provide for. The new doormat has so much to offer; a soft place to end the day, a firm welcome, and renewed luster providing years of service while being properly cared for.

new mat

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The window of energy is small and needing to take advantage of the Adderall rush. Completely weened off Prozac now. Was the past 3 months of hell due to the fact that Prozac was prescribed for a diagnosis of depression for me? I am hoping Lamictal will take effect in the next 2 weeks (I have been on now for 10 days).

Looking at my life and putting the pieces together for bipolar disorder is overwhelming and bittersweet. Finally a possible diagnosis, but fear of the future and managing this unpredictable condition for the rest of my life. Sometimes I feel like the bubble boy because I can see or feel the world continuing as I am at a stand still. It is frustrating and I get down because I have all these plans and ideas needing to implement and cannot. There are piles of projects inside and outside of the home just waiting for me. It is junky here, another reason to feel down.

It has always been a struggle for me to stay organized and neat, leading to anger with those around me who did not respect and comply with perfection. Below is a post regarding Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (yet another issue that sounds like me)


Patients diagnosed with this disorder are preoccupied with keeping order, attaining perfection, and maintaining mental and interpersonal control. They may spend a great deal of time adhering to plans, schedules, or rules from which they will not deviate, even at the expense of openness, flexibility, and efficiency. These patients are often unable to relax and may become “workaholics.” They may have problems in employment as well as in intimate relationships because they are very stiff and formal, and insist on doing everything their way. About 1% of the population has obsessive-compulsive personality disorder; the male/female ratio is about 2:1.
I don’t really believe in the zodiac signs, but Virgo’s ( August 23) tend to be perfectionists. Here is a good article on perfection and bipolar disorder. If you are Virgo, take a look at this article. I cannot believe how right on this is to describe myself, obsessive about order.

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Last night was absolutely horrible. Called the doctor, unfortunately he wasn’t on call and I talked (or cussed) at another. Cried, didn’t want to be around anyone, wanted to talk to someone, lastly, took 3 xanex to pass out and numb “it”.

Mind racing and tired thinking about teenage years. Found a good article to spot bipolar disorder in your teenager. Never thought I would see age 19 as a young teenager. Tried to commit suicide by swallowing aspirin (many), but didn’t work or maybe I didn’t really want it to work. Another try was with a friend driving after an event with a physically abusive boyfriend. I was so devastated at my life and my choices, I just wanted to die. My friend, who was at the wheel stomped on the gas and we were at high-speed and he yelled, “Do you really want to die?” I did not want him to die, so I told him no and I don’t think I was ready myself.

Another serious thought about suicide was after a DUI ticket, the end of a relationship, graduation from college and completely unsure of what to do next or what I could do next.

Teenage years were full of confusion and dealing with my shyness. I made compulsive choices during this time and actually all through my life. I remember riding the bus home and eating tons of chocolate and other kids saying, “How do you stay skinny eating all of that?” My hair changed color on a weekly basis and I would not hesitate to cut it into various styles. Later in life I actually shaved my head bald.

Teenage years I had a serious issue with rules and authority (from anyone). I would feel somehow imprisoned and trapped. Later on this led to job problems. My only solution was retiring to my bedroom and slamming the door or exploding with such passion I would see white.

Previous post

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Organizing buttons, cleaning junk drawers and laundry are the only tasks I can complete to feel some kind of accomplishment. I have no interest in watching TV or listening to music, my life has come to a halt. My feet are molded in concrete and I’m donning a lead cloak. People would say, “I wish I had your energy” or “You are a superwoman”, before all of this started or maybe while in a manic state. I had been wanting to write of my thoughts and feelings many weeks ago, but just did not have the energy.

Why am I writing this on my stillborn son’s blog? It was only after his death in 2003 that I was introduced to medication. After my subsequent pregnancy (a living child) I suffered severe depression and since then have been on and off antidepressants with little relief. Was the reason he passed was to give his mother some direction as to a diagnosis for my problems? I don’t know.

After 3 months of being on antidepressants I knew something else was wrong. My highs and lows are very drastic and scary. I am confused and have issues needing to be fixed. My living son said I was lazy and my husband said I am always stressed. There is no mid ground for me, I am either very high or very low and small problems are NEVER small to me. I obsess over them and I am physically altered. My work is suffering, my home life and social is mostly non-existent. I was all packed up yesterday to get off to work and all of a sudden I sat down with dread and could not go.

After researching Bipolar Disorder online my mind is constantly racing trying to think of past events to affirm this diagnosis and many are present. I never gave Bipolar Disorder a thought because I assumed this is for crazy people. I am now prescribed Wellbutrin, Adderal, Prozac and Lamictal with Xanex taken when needed. Full of drugs and feeling this way is just incredible to me.

My dear son, if you ever read this, know that I always loved you the best I knew how…

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It has probably been here all along, it’s just now saying hello again. The time change, the colder weather, the darkness and financial issues have helped this horrible condition surface with vengeance.

Before I was diagnosed with depression I would see commercials for anti-depressant meds and think, “Why are people struggling with this when they just need to take their medication?” How easy this would be if true. Your body no longer recognizes the medication after some time and meds for depression take 3 months for full effectiveness. It is a frustrating process and the anxiety intensifies after your Doctor of 13 years leaves the practice.

Last month  my bills for doctor visits, health insurance and medication exceeded $500. This is so stressful and I am only on week 4!

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How many children do you have?

The dreaded question and the guilt surrounding it could be overwhelming. The hesitation of the parent being questioned is much more than a mere pause. A child born (subsequent pregnancy) after or before the loss of a baby is recognized as an integral part of the family, in most homes.

My subsequent pregnancy was another son and he is well aware of his older brother. He is now six and draws pictures of our family, including Tanner.

When in preschool, he was asked how many brother’s or sister’s he had.

As you can see the teacher painted white out over the number one, for how many brothers he had. In a way, Tanner dies again. I do not blame the teacher, but if a child acknowledges a deceased sibling, they should too.

I asked my six-year-old about this questionnaire and he said, “Yes, I told her I had a brother named Tanner and he died.”

What you tell someone in the grocery line may be different from telling someone who works out at the same gym as you, it is your decision. We only do the best we know how and what feels right for the family.

The warmth inside my heart is tremendous when my 6-year-old wants to let a balloon go up to Tanner, draw a picture of him or just ask how he is doing.

People ask, “Doesn’t it make you sad talking about him?” No, I choose to remember my angel son because I love him and that love is manifested through me in my willingness to help, give, and support others. It is nothing but positive energy and it’s all because of Tanner.

How many children do you have?

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TTC for those not familiar with this acronym means, Trying To Conceive. For those who are trying to conceive, these 3 letters are frequently used in emails, forums and message boards.

Knowing all of our losses are unique, do we share a common waiting period from the doctor when it’s safe to start trying again?

For us, after Tanner was stillborn and our doctor informed us that a 6 month waiting period was recommended. He did explain that this includes physical and emotional healing.

Because it took us 6 months of SERIOUS PLANNED intercourse to conceive Tanner, having unprotected sex after his death was safe, so we thought.

I would have never thought seeing the 2 pink lines (or PPT) would happen so fast. No, I was not ready emotionally, but 3 months after our little angel left us, another baby was developing in my womb, ready or not.

Another boy and he is healthy.

I had talked to a few friends who have had miscarriages and they too say 6 months is the waiting period and one said 3 months.

What did your doctor say and did you listen?

Peace Love and Hugs from Above

Diana  www.justacloudaway.com


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