The word “fuck” is now retired. It flowed freely every time my mouth opened to speak when emotions and negative thoughts controlled me. Another aspect of feeling better is no longer feeling raped of independence. Money had never been abundant because of my illness, but there was always “some”. I currently have minimal material things or means to get them without a source of income and I’m OK because there is a sense of hope. Having to rely on others doesn’t cause panic attacks and I can gracefully accept help without thinking my freedom is being jeopardized.
Medications for Clinical Depression and Attention Deficit Disorder are providing the opportunity to start living again. Did I loose 3 years with treatment for Bipolar Disorder? Numerous bipolar symptoms overlap with depression and ADD, so the defining moment of bipolar would cause mania to show its ugly face. So we wait…….
My current psychiatrists hold firm on the bipolar disorder but I choose to discontinue bipolar medication due to adverse effects as well as the previous 5 drugs from the last 3 years. An off-the-cuff diagnosis of borderline personality disorder was made while a specialized doctor’s diagnosis of ADD from NC was dismissed. It has been YEARS since feeling this good and meds are doing their job, so they will stay “as is”.
I am thankful for the unconditional support, love and prayers “YOU” have given me. Even if no words were spoken, I just know. Being disconnected physically and emotionally for 3 years from support was influenced by the illness and stubbornness, creating a comfort zone at home based on fear. Honestly, I would be content never leaving the home. Knowing this is my past unhealthy pattern, I am slowly venturing out to conquer anxiety with “YOU” by my side. I was out of my comfort zone lost for over an hour driving in the dark while raining and there was no panic attack in sight knowing “You” were a phone call away (but my stubbornness prevented that call :) Anxiety will be attacked without meds because I can do this!
My case worker/patient advocate is an angel. She looks at my life as a new adventure where the unknown is exciting. If you have anxiety, you know that the unknown brings worry, dread, fear, and panic, but I think we’ll go with her view.
To laugh and have a sense of humor should never be taken for granted. I never realized the impact when fun is absent from life until you don’t have it or can’t. If there were people having fun or laughing, I would exit as fast as I could. There are times to be serious as long as humor and laughter are integrated into my daily life because I missed it! My laugh is loud, scares babies and my dog cringe, so be prepared.
Just too many ways to communicate and I don’t agree will all. For someone with anxiety, texting will never be included in my form of communication and email doesn’t agree either. Facebook is only visited on occasion. I have a new cell phone number (please don’t give it to collections) and will send out privately :)
I have counted my many blessings and can move forward with a sense of peace……..