Archive for February, 2012

Postpartum depression or bipolar disorder, here is a good article. After the stillbirth of Tanner we had another baby. Afterwards was not the feeling I was expecting. I was extremely anxious  or panicked and did not want to be home alone with him. Not that I was thinking of hurting him, I just did not know what to do with him. The days were long and I would count the minutes until my husband came home.

I did not tell anyone of these feelings because it would make me look as if I was not in control and have the situation in check. My son slept with me for the first 7 months because crying would put me in a frantic state. The idea of bringing him out in public (with just me) was out of the question. What if he would cry, then what? It was only when he turned 5 that I was somewhat as ease with being alone with him. He now had some independence and his life wasn’t in jeopardy with my care.

Loved ones gave me journals and calendars to keep track of his momentous events like his first step. The idea of documenting this was overwhelming and I do not remember much of his younger years. On top of this I was going through a deep depression, our marriage was suffering and I wanted a divorce and our  new home was being built. We had to live with my in-laws for 3 months during construction and this was not what I needed. The added stress of my son crying and me not knowing what to do while under constant watch by my husband’s parents. I also had landscape projects going on the add to the demands upon me.

Putting the pieces together now. I have been on Lamictal for over a week and notice that I have no energy or the window has narrowed a great deal and I am eating more.

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The window of energy is small and needing to take advantage of the Adderall rush. Completely weened off Prozac now. Was the past 3 months of hell due to the fact that Prozac was prescribed for a diagnosis of depression for me? I am hoping Lamictal will take effect in the next 2 weeks (I have been on now for 10 days).

Looking at my life and putting the pieces together for bipolar disorder is overwhelming and bittersweet. Finally a possible diagnosis, but fear of the future and managing this unpredictable condition for the rest of my life. Sometimes I feel like the bubble boy because I can see or feel the world continuing as I am at a stand still. It is frustrating and I get down because I have all these plans and ideas needing to implement and cannot. There are piles of projects inside and outside of the home just waiting for me. It is junky here, another reason to feel down.

It has always been a struggle for me to stay organized and neat, leading to anger with those around me who did not respect and comply with perfection. Below is a post regarding Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (yet another issue that sounds like me)


Patients diagnosed with this disorder are preoccupied with keeping order, attaining perfection, and maintaining mental and interpersonal control. They may spend a great deal of time adhering to plans, schedules, or rules from which they will not deviate, even at the expense of openness, flexibility, and efficiency. These patients are often unable to relax and may become “workaholics.” They may have problems in employment as well as in intimate relationships because they are very stiff and formal, and insist on doing everything their way. About 1% of the population has obsessive-compulsive personality disorder; the male/female ratio is about 2:1.
I don’t really believe in the zodiac signs, but Virgo’s ( August 23) tend to be perfectionists. Here is a good article on perfection and bipolar disorder. If you are Virgo, take a look at this article. I cannot believe how right on this is to describe myself, obsessive about order.

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Last night was absolutely horrible. Called the doctor, unfortunately he wasn’t on call and I talked (or cussed) at another. Cried, didn’t want to be around anyone, wanted to talk to someone, lastly, took 3 xanex to pass out and numb “it”.

Mind racing and tired thinking about teenage years. Found a good article to spot bipolar disorder in your teenager. Never thought I would see age 19 as a young teenager. Tried to commit suicide by swallowing aspirin (many), but didn’t work or maybe I didn’t really want it to work. Another try was with a friend driving after an event with a physically abusive boyfriend. I was so devastated at my life and my choices, I just wanted to die. My friend, who was at the wheel stomped on the gas and we were at high-speed and he yelled, “Do you really want to die?” I did not want him to die, so I told him no and I don’t think I was ready myself.

Another serious thought about suicide was after a DUI ticket, the end of a relationship, graduation from college and completely unsure of what to do next or what I could do next.

Teenage years were full of confusion and dealing with my shyness. I made compulsive choices during this time and actually all through my life. I remember riding the bus home and eating tons of chocolate and other kids saying, “How do you stay skinny eating all of that?” My hair changed color on a weekly basis and I would not hesitate to cut it into various styles. Later in life I actually shaved my head bald.

Teenage years I had a serious issue with rules and authority (from anyone). I would feel somehow imprisoned and trapped. Later on this led to job problems. My only solution was retiring to my bedroom and slamming the door or exploding with such passion I would see white.

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In the house for 7 days, could not get out and wanted to. Searching and reading stories of those with bipolar disorder was my activity for the week. All the signs and symptoms add up beginning early in childhood.  Here is a good article looking at potential signs in your child.

All these meds are confusing, I don’t know which does what and don’t really care as long as I can feel some sense of normalcy soon. The frightening thing is my normal is not normal, but it is the only thing I know. What I can say is that my emotions are INTENSE. A few years ago after Tanner’s death I thought about heaven and I was sure I DIDN’T want to go when the time comes. It’s a strange thing, but I don’t want to be happy all the time because I am used to the severe fluctuation, the only thing I’ve known for 30 something years.

At a young age I remember crying a lot in my bedroom because of intense emotions. Another issue was me having to leave classrooms because of my anxiety and this started in first grade, school and religion. My mother would bring me back and I would just walk home again. I needed to get out and I do not have an explanation, just terrified and sad to be trapped again.

I loved music but always tended to listen to the slow songs with sad lyrics. I still gravitate towards them today and because I have lost interest in music lately, all I can do is listen to the sad songs of the 80’s. Maybe it gives me some comfort, who knows.

In second grade walking home from religion during the winter the bratty boys would throw snowballs at the girls. I remember thinking I had some kind of super power that would electrocute them if they continued.

Maybe third grade I wrote my parents a letter that God had spoken to me (or something like that). My cousins had left our house after a party and I felt absolute dread and lonely. I will never forget that feeling. How could a little squirt endure such shitty emotions.

Maybe fourth grade in my favorite class, Art with Ms Graham I remember her taking me out in the hall trying to calm me down from crying. I had a crush on a boy and because of my shyness, he did not know. My outgoing friend quickly started a puppy love relationship with him and I was devastated beyond words. I was not a happy child and would never want to relive it even though my family was so loving and caring.

Tomorrow we are off to see friends who experience bipolar disorder and I am looking forward to the visit.


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Organizing buttons, cleaning junk drawers and laundry are the only tasks I can complete to feel some kind of accomplishment. I have no interest in watching TV or listening to music, my life has come to a halt. My feet are molded in concrete and I’m donning a lead cloak. People would say, “I wish I had your energy” or “You are a superwoman”, before all of this started or maybe while in a manic state. I had been wanting to write of my thoughts and feelings many weeks ago, but just did not have the energy.

Why am I writing this on my stillborn son’s blog? It was only after his death in 2003 that I was introduced to medication. After my subsequent pregnancy (a living child) I suffered severe depression and since then have been on and off antidepressants with little relief. Was the reason he passed was to give his mother some direction as to a diagnosis for my problems? I don’t know.

After 3 months of being on antidepressants I knew something else was wrong. My highs and lows are very drastic and scary. I am confused and have issues needing to be fixed. My living son said I was lazy and my husband said I am always stressed. There is no mid ground for me, I am either very high or very low and small problems are NEVER small to me. I obsess over them and I am physically altered. My work is suffering, my home life and social is mostly non-existent. I was all packed up yesterday to get off to work and all of a sudden I sat down with dread and could not go.

After researching Bipolar Disorder online my mind is constantly racing trying to think of past events to affirm this diagnosis and many are present. I never gave Bipolar Disorder a thought because I assumed this is for crazy people. I am now prescribed Wellbutrin, Adderal, Prozac and Lamictal with Xanex taken when needed. Full of drugs and feeling this way is just incredible to me.

My dear son, if you ever read this, know that I always loved you the best I knew how…

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