The green satin memory box was filled with “things” I could touch while waiting for my Tanner to quietly be born. Nurse Tara brought this small box to me when I asked her what I should be doing while waiting. A booklet filled with support groups for pregnancy loss, options for Tanner’s body, a personal story of a couple’s journey having a stillborn baby and other information otherwise never thought of was to keep me occupied for hours. This was top secret information the nurses had hidden in the supply closets, only to be seen by bereaved families of dead babies.
I like to have my days planned out and needed to know what my next steps were going to be. I don’t like surprises and this was the ultimate surprise of my life.
Our room was very quiet and I don’t remember hearing any noise in the halls. I could really focus on the reality of what was happening, but didn’t. I found myself picking up the literature, reading a few minutes and then putting it on my lap to stare off into space. I never read anything in its entirety because my mind would easily wander and some other thought would distract me. This was my routine for the many hours of laying in that hospital bed.
The other items contained in the green satin memory box were generic keepsakes. I remember the 2 silver heart charms, an infant cap with a small piece of blue yarn tied to the top, a baby-sized tape measure and a very small comb. Was I supposed to use this comb on Tanner when he was born? Just like the reading material, I would look through the memory box and then set it on my lap, until I had the energy to look at it again. Over and over again, it was a very obsessive behavior completely out of my hands.
Peace Love and Hugs from Above www.justacloudaway.com