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This was actually written 5 years ago and strangely relevant to this day…….regarding a recent and an incredibly short goodbye, delivered southern style. The hugs are a definite plus now a days and one doesn’t miss what becomes the norm until it’s unconditionally received again :)xoxoxo

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Please do not take offense to this post. I am merely describing my personal experiences of saying goodbye to those up North and to those in the South.

It all started when I was a wee little girl and the family was packing up to leave a holiday festivity. If at my Grandmother’s house, we would all have to give hugs and kisses, but if everyone was not standing at this point, it would take another 10 minutes. Sometimes Grandpa would forget and squeeze the life out of us twice. If everyone was standing, we would proceed to the door and walk down the driveway backwards waving goodbye. It is not over yet. The  family would get all buckled up in the car and we would keep waving to Grandma and Grandpa until we couldn’t see them anymore. I suppose it would end as we turned the corner.

Now at my Gram and Gramps house, it was a little different, yet still “The Long Goodbye”. Gram would bundle me and my brother  in our layers of clothes (Buffalo is cold) which would take some time. The parents would be talking with Gramps or rather, Gramps would be talking to them. If Gramps was feeling really good, Dad might have to drink a goodbye shot before we leave. Finally, as we reach the door, Gram would forget to give us a couple of toys to take in the car. Oh, then she would proceed to clean out her fridge and send leftovers. By then my brother and I were sweating like pigs. We also waved goodbye until we couldn’t see them in the doorway.

Down here in the South is a little different. Now my hubby is the one who brought up the issue of “The Long Goodbye”, because I never noticed it. When we leave a family festivity here in the South, it goes much quicker. This may have something to do with getting out of the hot sun into the air conditioned car. Up North, we would rather stay in the toasty warm house for a few more minutes than to brave frost bite conditions.

To this day, hubby knows that when I say goodbye, it will take another 20 minutes to be on our way.

Whatever the reason, it is what it is and now my family in Buffalo makes a point of  prolonging “The Long Goodbye” just for him.

Diana

If your best friend suddenly, without warning, decided to walk away, what secrets of yours do they take? Do you feel betrayed? Are you confused when the initial reason is constantly garnished with additional ones presented to you at random? The one you thought was your best friend has stripped you of your trust. Becoming a best friend involves neither legal contract nor a covenant God declares, so why is friendship longer lasting than marriage?

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On my journey, questions needing answers re-circulate in my mind, believing everything happens for a reason. Divorce is only one subject being explored with complete ignorance on the ongoing emotional impact. Stages; shock, sadness, denial, bargaining, anger, betrayal, acceptance, detachment seem to be mine, re-surfacing and changing order. I have accepted their decision and working toward detachment, but betrayal, anger and sadness manifests throughout this new path. Is it possible my life can change so drastically by another person’s decision?

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When one partner values the words spoken under God, where two fleshes becomes one, the shock and betrayal is forefront. When another is very light on the subject (being #2), were the signs evident? Religious people stating, “The marriage HAS had many second chances,” are they above what God wanted and are they judges for the children involved? Is the outward persona of being connected to the words of the Bible, just and only that? The statement gives very little value to the covenant of marriage, lacks hope or faith, with selfishness reigning over what marriage truly means.


When one door closes, another opens. With divorce, air will always be able to find its way through the cracks and never sealed completely. Living children are one reason, but secondly are the secrets that can never be shared with another. The secrets or sacred experiences as with losing a baby. Not one other person will ever know what their partner has endured during the turmoil of delivering a stillborn baby into the world. Every couple who lose a baby or child has their own way and even they can never truly relate to another set of parents. The two people who created this child, grieved, shared, remembered and have this connection impossible for outsiders to experience. This is nothing less than sacred and dies along with the covenant.


My thoughts continue to raise questions, awareness and the need to make connections. What is God’s reason for severing this bond? Memories will never be erased or raped from me, but expression of them will, as no other can fathom. God never gives you more than you can handle and we may never know all the little details of His Master Plan, but I will continue to dissect my new reality connecting the dots of my life.

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Having depression is one thing, but the side effects from medication are JUST as evil or greater because many surface with just one. Becoming physically unattractive killed my self-confidence, increasing my anger and frustration. For 3 years I was a guinea pig ingesting several meds at once, not knowing which medication was causing what or if it was depression itself. Simultaneously administered were; anxiety pills, mood stabilizers, antipsychotics, sleeping pills, antidepressants and medications warding off inevitable side effects. It took 3 months for medications to reach therapeutic level before they would listen to side effects. Then it was on to another.

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A few medications caused brittle hair and hair loss. I frowned on daily showers because of low energy plus the new chore of cleaning enormous clumps of hair from the drain while my pony-tail band kept getting smaller and smaller. Facial skin turned pale, dried out, full of strange bumps and redness in certain parts, soon to be diagnosed with an incurable condition called Ocular Rosacea. It worsened with stress, wind, dry air, cold air, sunlight and being overheated, placing more restrictions on activities.

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My weight fluctuated like a yo-yo between 105-145 pounds. I knew at one time I was attractive, but felt like fading away….

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Standing in front of the mirror was agonizing when I needed to venture into public. It was an overwhelming thinking of the long preparation needed before feeling comfortable enough for others to lay their eyes on me. Some days it was too much.

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This list doesn’t even touch the side effects contributing to the uncomfortable disabling medicinal symptoms not associated with physical self-image. Self-confidence died a long time ago and isn’t returned 100% , but I feel with stress at a minimum and continued support, my thoughts will eventually change.

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Discarded Doormat

The doormat lay in the same spot daily for it has a task to carry out. It diligently provides its owner with a firm welcome eliminating feces, dirt, and past insignificant filth from the soul of the shoes. The doormat knows when unwanted garbage is removed, its owner can start a new day with cleanliness, free from carrying signs of the unwanted past into the new day.

The doormat cannot survive without being tended to and everyday hopes to be renewed. The doormat knows its life can be extended if attention is given to its proper care.

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The filth comes everyday with the same pattern of movement wearing down the durabilty and strength it had when purchased. The luster begins to fade and seams tatered by the repetition of the owners past journey. The doormat knows it may be discarded because of its defects and can no longer serve any purpose for the owner. Even in neglect, the doormat has hope of a new life because recycling will follow after the owner throws it away. With that hope comes  another home to provide for. The new doormat has so much to offer; a soft place to end the day, a firm welcome, and renewed luster providing years of service while being properly cared for.

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The word “fuck” is now retired. It flowed freely every time my mouth opened to speak when emotions and negative thoughts controlled me. Another aspect of feeling better is no longer feeling raped of independence. Money had never been abundant because of my illness, but there was always “some”. I currently have minimal material things or means to get them without a source of income and I’m OK because there is a sense of hope. Having to rely on others doesn’t cause panic attacks and I can gracefully accept help without thinking my freedom is being jeopardized.

Medications for Clinical Depression and Attention Deficit Disorder are providing the opportunity to start living again. Did I loose 3 years with treatment for Bipolar Disorder? Numerous bipolar symptoms overlap with depression and ADD, so the defining moment of bipolar would cause mania to show its ugly face. So we wait…….

My current psychiatrists hold firm on the bipolar disorder but I choose to discontinue bipolar medication due to adverse effects as well as the previous 5 drugs from the last 3 years. An off-the-cuff diagnosis of borderline personality disorder was made while a specialized doctor’s diagnosis of ADD from NC was dismissed. It has been YEARS since feeling this good and meds are doing their job, so they will stay “as is”.

I am thankful for the unconditional support, love and prayers “YOU” have given me. Even if no words were spoken, I just know. Being disconnected physically and emotionally for 3 years from support was influenced by the illness and stubbornness, creating a comfort zone at home based on fear. Honestly, I would be content never leaving the home. Knowing this is my past unhealthy pattern, I am slowly venturing out to conquer anxiety with “YOU” by my side. I was out of my comfort zone lost for over an hour driving in the dark while raining and there was no panic attack in sight knowing “You” were a phone call away (but my stubbornness prevented that call :) Anxiety will be attacked without meds because I can do this!

My case worker/patient advocate is an angel. She looks at my life as a new adventure where the unknown is exciting. If you have anxiety, you know that the unknown brings worry, dread, fear, and panic, but I think we’ll go with her view.

To laugh and have a sense of humor should never be taken for granted. I never realized the impact when fun is absent from life until you don’t have it or can’t. If there were people having fun or laughing, I would exit as fast as I could. There are times to be serious as long as humor and laughter are integrated into my daily life because I missed it! My laugh is loud, scares babies and my dog cringe, so be prepared.

Just too many ways to communicate and I don’t agree will all. For someone with anxiety, texting will never be included in my form of communication and email doesn’t agree either. Facebook is only visited on occasion. I have a new cell phone number (please don’t give it to collections) and will send out privately :)

I have counted my many blessings and can move forward with a sense of peace……..

On October 8th I discontinued Topamax due to fatigue, nausea ocular viral infection, daily headaches, and the burning of my stomach, esophagus, and throat. Because every bit of food tasted like metal, the next four days were spent in bed sick to my stomach, unable to eat or drink. Ulcers in my mouth are painful, so swallowing anything is a challenge. Dry mouth and insatiable thirst are other symptoms, followed by frequent restroom visits.

During my first appointment with the psychiatrist, I conveyed concern about my worsening ADD symptoms and was told that the medication I was taking is not responsible for this, when in fact all documentation states Topamax adversely affects thinking, alertness and concentration. Short term memory loss is so severe that would lose a simple thought in a matter of seconds.

Coordination is beginning to be a problem. I currently have a black eye because my balance was off and fell int a door frame.

October 15th to the 16th eyesight changed drastically loosing my nearsightedness. After receiving eye drops from the ophthalmologist for a viral infection in both eyes came symptoms of double vision, halos surrounding lights, and pressure behind my eyes (the red flag for glaucoma)

I seem to have many common and rare side effects listed below and not sure if Topamax or Cymbalta are responsible.

Adverse events most often associated with the use of TOPAMAX® were central nervous system-related. In adults, the most significant of these can be classified into two general categories: 1) psychomotor slowing, difficulty with concentration, and speech or language problems, memory, confusion

Word-finding difficulties and 2) somnolence or fatigue.

Symptoms of overdose/toxicity include; abdominal pain, agitation, blurred vision, convulsions, depression, dizziness, double vision, drowsiness, impaired coordination, impaired mental activity, low blood pressure, reduced consciousness, severe diarrhea, sluggishness, and speech problems.

I have all the same side effects even after discontinuing Topamax and hoping there is no permanent damage or that my anti-depressent medication Cymbalta will be stopped for the same reasons, because both medications have similer side effects. I am so uncomfortable and just feel like shit.

 

Went to ECMC after a disagreement and spent 10 days to reach stability, which has been successful. The downside is that I have no emotion and cannot function. My rage and negative thoughts have disappeared but so have my energy and care for anything. Since being on the new medication all I did in the hospital was sleep. I am extremely tired all of the time and my mind is in a constant daydream state. Trying to concentrate is absolutely pointless. I move to another chair to smoke thinking maybe a hit of dopamine might trigger some motivation to do something…….but the fog is too great to overcome. I just sit and stare and my head sways back and forth like a drugged up patient just existing.

So the bipolar is being treated, just not ADHD. New medications are Topamax and Cymbalta along with synthetic thyroid and I hope to God my new shrink does not leave my ADHD untreated. Because right now it would be easy for me to fall back into depression as bill collectors are calling from hospital bills ex partner let pile up from months ago. The thought of me just existing is not an option, I am a doer. I NEVER enjoyed smoking pot and hate feeling this relaxed (if that’s what you call it ) and someone else can have it. I want my life back!!!!!!

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