Stillborn Angel and Bipolar Disorder Mom-5

Postpartum depression or bipolar disorder, here is a good article. After the stillbirth of Tanner we had another baby. Afterwards was not the feeling I was expecting. I was extremely anxious  or panicked and did not want to be home alone with him. Not that I was thinking of hurting him, I just did not know what to do with him. The days were long and I would count the minutes until my husband came home.

I did not tell anyone of these feelings because it would make me look as if I was not in control and have the situation in check. My son slept with me for the first 7 months because crying would put me in a frantic state. The idea of bringing him out in public (with just me) was out of the question. What if he would cry, then what? It was only when he turned 5 that I was somewhat as ease with being alone with him. He now had some independence and his life wasn’t in jeopardy with my care.

Loved ones gave me journals and calendars to keep track of his momentous events like his first step. The idea of documenting this was overwhelming and I do not remember much of his younger years. On top of this I was going through a deep depression, our marriage was suffering and I wanted a divorce and our  new home was being built. We had to live with my in-laws for 3 months during construction and this was not what I needed. The added stress of my son crying and me not knowing what to do while under constant watch by my husband’s parents. I also had landscape projects going on the add to the demands upon me.

Putting the pieces together now. I have been on Lamictal for over a week and notice that I have no energy or the window has narrowed a great deal and I am eating more.

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Stillborn Angel and Bipolar Disorder Mom-1

Organizing buttons, cleaning junk drawers and laundry are the only tasks I can complete to feel some kind of accomplishment. I have no interest in watching TV or listening to music, my life has come to a halt. My feet are molded in concrete and I’m donning a lead cloak. People would say, “I wish I had your energy” or “You are a superwoman”, before all of this started or maybe while in a manic state. I had been wanting to write of my thoughts and feelings many weeks ago, but just did not have the energy.

Why am I writing this on my stillborn son’s blog? It was only after his death in 2003 that I was introduced to medication. After my subsequent pregnancy (a living child) I suffered severe depression and since then have been on and off antidepressants with little relief. Was the reason he passed was to give his mother some direction as to a diagnosis for my problems? I don’t know.

After 3 months of being on antidepressants I knew something else was wrong. My highs and lows are very drastic and scary. I am confused and have issues needing to be fixed. My living son said I was lazy and my husband said I am always stressed. There is no mid ground for me, I am either very high or very low and small problems are NEVER small to me. I obsess over them and I am physically altered. My work is suffering, my home life and social is mostly non-existent. I was all packed up yesterday to get off to work and all of a sudden I sat down with dread and could not go.

After researching Bipolar Disorder online my mind is constantly racing trying to think of past events to affirm this diagnosis and many are present. I never gave Bipolar Disorder a thought because I assumed this is for crazy people. I am now prescribed Wellbutrin, Adderal, Prozac and Lamictal with Xanex taken when needed. Full of drugs and feeling this way is just incredible to me.

My dear son, if you ever read this, know that I always loved you the best I knew how…

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Depression is here for another visit

It has probably been here all along, it’s just now saying hello again. The time change, the colder weather, the darkness and financial issues have helped this horrible condition surface with vengeance.

Before I was diagnosed with depression I would see commercials for anti-depressant meds and think, “Why are people struggling with this when they just need to take their medication?” How easy this would be if true. Your body no longer recognizes the medication after some time and meds for depression take 3 months for full effectiveness. It is a frustrating process and the anxiety intensifies after your Doctor of 13 years leaves the practice.

Last month  my bills for doctor visits, health insurance and medication exceeded $500. This is so stressful and I am only on week 4!

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How Many Children Do You Have?

How many children do you have?

The dreaded question and the guilt surrounding it could be overwhelming. The hesitation of the parent being questioned is much more than a mere pause. A child born (subsequent pregnancy) after or before the loss of a baby is recognized as an integral part of the family, in most homes.

My subsequent pregnancy was another son and he is well aware of his older brother. He is now six and draws pictures of our family, including Tanner.

When in preschool, he was asked how many brother’s or sister’s he had.

As you can see the teacher painted white out over the number one, for how many brothers he had. In a way, Tanner dies again. I do not blame the teacher, but if a child acknowledges a deceased sibling, they should too.

I asked my six-year-old about this questionnaire and he said, “Yes, I told her I had a brother named Tanner and he died.”

What you tell someone in the grocery line may be different from telling someone who works out at the same gym as you, it is your decision. We only do the best we know how and what feels right for the family.

The warmth inside my heart is tremendous when my 6-year-old wants to let a balloon go up to Tanner, draw a picture of him or just ask how he is doing.

People ask, “Doesn’t it make you sad talking about him?” No, I choose to remember my angel son because I love him and that love is manifested through me in my willingness to help, give, and support others. It is nothing but positive energy and it’s all because of Tanner.

How many children do you have?

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2010 in review

The stats helper monkeys at WordPress.com mulled over how this blog did in 2010, and here’s a high level summary of its overall blog health:

The Blog-Health-o-Meter™ reads Wow.

Crunchy numbers

The Louvre Museum has 8.5 million visitors per year. This blog was viewed about 100,000 times in 2010. If it were an exhibit at The Louvre Museum, it would take 4 days for that many people to see it.

In 2010, there were 4 new posts, growing the total archive of this blog to 120 posts. There were 2 pictures uploaded, taking up a total of 116kb.

The busiest day of the year was October 7th with 495 views. The most popular post that day was The Birth of My Stillborn Baby-Part 10.

Where did they come from?

The top referring sites in 2010 were justacloudaway.com, search.aol.com, en.wordpress.com, blogcatalog.com, and search.conduit.com.

Some visitors came searching, mostly for stillborn babies, stillborn, helleborus, stillborn baby, and angels.

Attractions in 2010

These are the posts and pages that got the most views in 2010.

1

The Birth of My Stillborn Baby-Part 10 July 2008
42 comments

2

Angel Gifts Comfort Grieving Parents of Baby Loss March 2008
10 comments

3

Writing Poems for a Friend’s Baby that has Died March 2008
9 comments

4

Planting Helleborus in Gardens Remembering Babies February 2008
1 comment

5

Music, Memories & The Death of a Baby March 2008
15 comments

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Helping Parents with Funerals & Memorials

 No one ever dreams of loosing a baby, however, 1 out of 4 pregnancies end in miscarriage and 26,000 stillbirths occur in the USA every year.

If the parents have not named the baby, you may want to suggest thinking about this. Even if the loss was an early miscarriage, naming the baby will give them an identity and validation.

What do I do to help a friend who has lost a baby regarding the funeral or memorial service?

If you have not lost a child yourself, it may be very difficult to find the words to comfort them. There is a list found here to help  support your friend. Another list is available regarding, what not to say to bereaved parents.

Some funeral homes offer free memorial service for stillborn babies and give discounts for a funeral. Help them by making these necessary phones calls.

When the parents of the deceased baby have decided to have a funeral or memorial service, they may need additional help from you with the logistics. It is important to involve both parents as much as possible in the decision making. Even though this is a very sad time, this event will be remembered for a lifetime.

Areas of the funeral:

• Notifying people of the service
• Location
• Music
• Readings, Poems or Stories
• If a priest or pastor will be present
• Does the baby need to be baptised
• Cremation or Burial (small caskets for later miscarried babies are available at Heaven’s Gain)
• Burial Clothes
• Container or urn for ashes
• Headstone or marker
• Obituary in paper
• Would the family like flowers or encourage donations
• Helping to assemble the altar with keepsakes and other memorabilia
• Contacting Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep if  parents want professional pictures of the funeral and baby after declining at the hospital
• Choosing an outfit for the baby
• Donating organs

Remember that the scents of the season, colors, music on the radio, the landscape, the ambiance of the month will all attribute to the memories etched into the minds of the  parents, later triggering thoughts of  their baby.

Usually about the time of the service or funeral (2-5 days after the baby’s death) the mother’s milk will come in if she was further along in the pregnancy. The milk can be donated to save another child’s life. The program is The Breast Milk Project.

Wedding gowns can be donated to the Mary Madeline Project or Heavenly Angels in Need  to make burial gowns for babies that have died. Sewers are also in great need.

Some of the smallest burial gowns were made for 18-22 week old babies.

Here is the Triad, Busy Bee Crafters, a non-profit, volunteer their time sewing, knitting and crocheting. This group, led by Sandra Vernon and has been in place for over 20 years. Some of the garments created are: bereavement pocket or bereavement dress and blanket, and prayer shawls in pastel colors. 

These are some of the logistics family and friends can help organize for the bereaved parents of pregnancy loss or infant death. Having this knowledge could someday be the gift providing a grieving family direction and assistance in a time of devastating grief.

Please feel free to leave additional suggestions and comments.

Peace Love and Hugs

Diana

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Is a Baby Death One Who is Lost

If bereaved parents who have suffered a pregnancy or infant loss were to rename the title, what would it be? The new title would have to respect all religions and cultural beliefs.

The term “pregnancy and infant loss” has been the universal words spoken if a woman had a miscarriage, ectopic or molar pregnancy, stillbirth or a baby who died of SIDS (and others).

Are the babies lost or do we know where they are?

The same goes with adults. Most people would say, “loss of loved one.” I have not ran across people who are offended by these terms after a family member has died. So why are bereaved parents annoyed at these words.

As I am a bereaved mother and there is much to be annoyed at, but not those words. I know in my heart I will see all the deceased babies again. They are not lost, we are.

If we could change these terms, I suppose my vote would be, ” pregnancy and infant butterflies.” We all know about the amazing transformation of the caterpillar and all the wonderful poems related to the, “change.”

Does this term need to be changed?

Peace Love and Hugs from Above

Diana

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TTC after Baby or Pregnancy Loss

TTC for those not familiar with this acronym means, Trying To Conceive. For those who are trying to conceive, these 3 letters are frequently used in emails, forums and message boards.

Knowing all of our losses are unique, do we share a common waiting period from the doctor when it’s safe to start trying again?

For us, after Tanner was stillborn and our doctor informed us that a 6 month waiting period was recommended. He did explain that this includes physical and emotional healing.

Because it took us 6 months of SERIOUS PLANNED intercourse to conceive Tanner, having unprotected sex after his death was safe, so we thought.

I would have never thought seeing the 2 pink lines (or PPT) would happen so fast. No, I was not ready emotionally, but 3 months after our little angel left us, another baby was developing in my womb, ready or not.

Another boy and he is healthy.

I had talked to a few friends who have had miscarriages and they too say 6 months is the waiting period and one said 3 months.

What did your doctor say and did you listen?

Peace Love and Hugs from Above

Diana  www.justacloudaway.com

 

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Creating a Remembrance Gift for Grieving Parents

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My Baby Died & Jesus Hugged Me

The night after my baby was stillborn was the first time I felt Jesus hug me. It is now 5 years later and as I relive the tragic day in my mind, I know now that Jesus hugged me with all of His love.

As a parent of an angel, I do not want to forget one detail of Tanner’s existence or death. He is a very special little boy who has brought many good things into my life BECAUSE of his passing. Looking back at the night after he was born dead, I know that Jesus was responsible for me to have the most wonderful and peaceful sleep in over 8 months.

Tanner was stillborn in the late afternoon on Sunday and I was then placed into a room on another floor, away from all of the happy new mothers. It was a ghost town with minimal staff and patients.

I told everyone, including my husband to go home. I wanted to be alone, rest and think about what was really happening. I had no wires, no tubes or anything hooked up to me, so there was no reason I would have to be disturbed by nurses in the middle of the night. My room was quiet and my sleep was heavenly and silent.

The lyrics to “Silent Night”

Silent night, holy night
All is calm, all is bright
Round yon Virgin Mother and Child
Holy Infant so tender and mild
Sleep in heavenly peace
Sleep in heavenly peace

This is how I truly felt. All was calm in my heart and all was bright for my sweet child entering into his home with Jesus. The warmth and comfort could have only come from Jesus, my Savior.

I miss you baby Tanner and Mommy loves you always

Peace Love and Hugs from Above
Diana

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