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Posts Tagged ‘pregnancy loss’

Pride is crushed by desperation to keep the home, family and dreams of a stable life. I am asking for financial help and after reading this story, maybe you can find it in your heart.

2003- Our first child was stillborn, his name is Tanner. An umbilical cord accident and I don’t know if I caused it to tighten by raising my hands over my head during the last week. This will always be on my mind. Alcohol was my best friend for the month following his death. Not knowing I was Bipolar at that time, mania set in and the idea of constructing a memory garden turned into an obsession.

Soon afterwards, pregnant again against doctors wishes and the pregnancy followed the same season as with Tanner. This was a curse to endure wearing the same pregnancy clothing, seeing the same weather patterns and feeling unsure of baby movements. I did not want any family members to show their happiness for fear they weren’t grieving Tanner. My living son and Tanner’s birthday are 2 weeks apart.

2004- Our first living son was born by induction and I went into a deep depression shortly afterwards. Doctor prescribed antidepressants for postpartum because of unhealthy thoughts. Not knowing that Bipolar Disorder patients are sent into mania if a mood stabilizer is not also taken, ideas to help bereaved parents rushed my brain.

2006- Just a Cloud Away was incorporated as a resource for bereaved parents of baby loss. A scrapbook kit was the product designed to help bereaved parents work through their grief by memorializing their babies with the kit. I had a business coach and a one woman marketing company. I now see how many mistakes were made by their counsel with the biggest being a $60,000 home equity line used for new business ventures.

2007- Realization the kit would be a failure and the loan taking a lifetime to pay back. Started having relationship problems with friends and spouse

2008- Focusing more on Diana Digs Dirt

2010- In a manic state without thinking through, decided to open Cornerstone Garden

2011- Claimed bankruptcy because all credit cards were used for Just a Cloud Away. This horrible experience that rips your insides into oblivion sent me into another deep depression and decided to seek psychiatric help. In addition to existing ADHD, SAD and Panic Disorder was the forever  diagnosis no one wants to hear, Bipolar Disorder. It took many months for myself and family to accept. One travels the same process as in death; Shock, Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance. The main goal is to stabilize the condition, called Bipolar Remission or Recovery. This is at least 6 months without mania or depression. The norm for Bipolar people will never be that of those without the condition.

2011-2014- Medications- It takes years to find the right combination for each individual. Everyone tolerates medicines differently, several different disorders could be present, tolerating side effects or dosage and the interactions of medications could cause confusion.

2012- First hospitalization for suicidal planning in an unfamiliar unit.

2013-Emergency Room visit for a severe panic attack. Another 9 days later, an over night stay in the hospital for Lithium Toxicity. Physical pain sets in causing difficulty moving in the morning and evening hours. Painful numbness in hands and forearms

2014-Trip to the crisis unit for severe panic attack and a week later to the ER for physical pain that cannot be identified.

Currently I have a Landscape Design company called Diana Digs Dirt, a garden shop named Cornerstone Garden and Just a Cloud Away. Loosing them would throw me into depression because the passion  keeps me moving forward.

If you can help out it would be appreciated from the bottom of my heart

Diana Williams    2652 NC Hwy 62 East    Liberty, NC 27298

Read how hospital rejects me

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Organizing buttons, cleaning junk drawers and laundry are the only tasks I can complete to feel some kind of accomplishment. I have no interest in watching TV or listening to music, my life has come to a halt. My feet are molded in concrete and I’m donning a lead cloak. People would say, “I wish I had your energy” or “You are a superwoman”, before all of this started or maybe while in a manic state. I had been wanting to write of my thoughts and feelings many weeks ago, but just did not have the energy.

Why am I writing this on my stillborn son’s blog? It was only after his death in 2003 that I was introduced to medication. After my subsequent pregnancy (a living child) I suffered severe depression and since then have been on and off antidepressants with little relief. Was the reason he passed was to give his mother some direction as to a diagnosis for my problems? I don’t know.

After 3 months of being on antidepressants I knew something else was wrong. My highs and lows are very drastic and scary. I am confused and have issues needing to be fixed. My living son said I was lazy and my husband said I am always stressed. There is no mid ground for me, I am either very high or very low and small problems are NEVER small to me. I obsess over them and I am physically altered. My work is suffering, my home life and social is mostly non-existent. I was all packed up yesterday to get off to work and all of a sudden I sat down with dread and could not go.

After researching Bipolar Disorder online my mind is constantly racing trying to think of past events to affirm this diagnosis and many are present. I never gave Bipolar Disorder a thought because I assumed this is for crazy people. I am now prescribed Wellbutrin, Adderal, Prozac and Lamictal with Xanex taken when needed. Full of drugs and feeling this way is just incredible to me.

My dear son, if you ever read this, know that I always loved you the best I knew how…

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The stats helper monkeys at WordPress.com mulled over how this blog did in 2010, and here’s a high level summary of its overall blog health:

Healthy blog!

The Blog-Health-o-Meter™ reads Wow.

Crunchy numbers

Featured image

The Louvre Museum has 8.5 million visitors per year. This blog was viewed about 100,000 times in 2010. If it were an exhibit at The Louvre Museum, it would take 4 days for that many people to see it.

In 2010, there were 4 new posts, growing the total archive of this blog to 120 posts. There were 2 pictures uploaded, taking up a total of 116kb.

The busiest day of the year was October 7th with 495 views. The most popular post that day was The Birth of My Stillborn Baby-Part 10.

Where did they come from?

The top referring sites in 2010 were justacloudaway.com, search.aol.com, en.wordpress.com, blogcatalog.com, and search.conduit.com.

Some visitors came searching, mostly for stillborn babies, stillborn, helleborus, stillborn baby, and angels.

Attractions in 2010

These are the posts and pages that got the most views in 2010.

1

The Birth of My Stillborn Baby-Part 10 July 2008
42 comments

2

Angel Gifts Comfort Grieving Parents of Baby Loss March 2008
10 comments

3

Writing Poems for a Friend’s Baby that has Died March 2008
9 comments

4

Planting Helleborus in Gardens Remembering Babies February 2008
1 comment

5

Music, Memories & The Death of a Baby March 2008
15 comments

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If bereaved parents who have suffered a pregnancy or infant loss were to rename the title, what would it be? The new title would have to respect all religions and cultural beliefs.

The term “pregnancy and infant loss” has been the universal words spoken if a woman had a miscarriage, ectopic or molar pregnancy, stillbirth or a baby who died of SIDS (and others).

Are the babies lost or do we know where they are?

The same goes with adults. Most people would say, “loss of loved one.” I have not ran across people who are offended by these terms after a family member has died. So why are bereaved parents annoyed at these words.

As I am a bereaved mother and there is much to be annoyed at, but not those words. I know in my heart I will see all the deceased babies again. They are not lost, we are.

If we could change these terms, I suppose my vote would be, ” pregnancy and infant butterflies.” We all know about the amazing transformation of the caterpillar and all the wonderful poems related to the, “change.”

Does this term need to be changed?

Peace Love and Hugs from Above

Diana

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        First Candle has great news regarding SIDS.                                      
Dear Friends of First Candle,It is with great pride and excitement that we share with you today news of a new study out of the SIDS Center of Excellence at Children’s Hospital Boston, led by Harvard researcher Dr. Hannah Kinney, regarding another breakthrough in SIDS research!The findings from the study indicate we are closing in on a defect in the brainstem related to serotonin as a likely cause for SIDS. This recent study built on the research team’s 2006 study that identified potential problems with serotonin and serotonin receptor binding in the brainstems of babies who die of SIDS. The results of the study are based on a comparison of brainstem samples from infants dying of SIDS to brainstems of infants dying from other, known causes. The findings will be published in the February 3 issue of The Journal of the American Medical Association.

The results are compelling and send a strong message to parents on importance of good prenatal care and safe sleep in protecting babies from SIDS, the leading cause of death for babies one month to one year of age.

For those that would like further information, please refer to First Candle’s press release, the press release out of Harvard and the full text of the article.

  • There will be significant media coverage of the event beginning with the nightly news programs this evening and the Today Show Wednesday morning. Link to a complete listing of coverage.
  • Our friends at Scripps Howard News Service have been instrumental in bringing the issue of sudden infant deaths in America to the forefront of infant mortality issues. Link to this article.

We would also like to recognize Dr. Henry Krous of the SIDS/SUDC research project at Rady Children’s Hospital-San Diego. Critical to Dr. Kinney’s work is the availability of tissue samples. Dr. Krous’ is the only project currently collecting tissue samples for research purposes

First Candle has been nationally recognized as key supporters of these projects throughout the past 20 years, and we would like to thank you, our many supporters, for the role you have played in this success; we couldn’t have done it without each and every one of you.

We would like to close with a call to action.

It is critical that we continue to move this research forward to find out what causes this defect, identify babies at risk and develop preventive treatments for the serotonin deficit.

  • Please consider making a donation to SIDS research through First Candle. We are happy to direct your dollars to either of these worthy projects.
  • We will keep you apprised of advocacy efforts and other ways you can help us save babies’ lives.

Thank you in advance for your ongoing support of our efforts – in the belief that every baby should live.

Warm regards,

The board and staff of First Candle

Peace Love and Hugs from Above

Diana

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The angelversary date has no rules. For us it is the day Tanner’s stillborn body laid in my arms (also my husband’s birthday), for my girlfriend it was the day of her D&C, for another, her child’s expected due date.

Once the month of August hits, my anxiety starts building. September 28th is Tanner’s angelversaryand for years I have become very tense beginning in August ending in October. Maybe because October 1st was Tanner’s memorial service and October 14th was his expected due date. Now that I am on Citalopram, anxiety levels shouldn’t be unbearable for my family.

Tanner’s first angelversary we had a few close friends over for cake. I had both Tanner and Todd’s name on the cake and we sang to both. My girlfriend brought balloons to tie onto Tanner’s memory garden cross which started this tradition. Even if we do not have a cake, it is a new tradition for my husband and myself to visit Tanner’s memory garden with balloons for his cross. I also like to bring his journal to the memory garden and write a letter wishing my angel a happy birthday in heaven.

One of my girlfriend’s started a new tradition for her baby’s angelversary by visiting her stillborn child’s grave bringing flowers and also placing flowers at the graves of other deceased babies. Another friend makes a donation to the pregnancy loss support group that was very supportive in her healing. Another tradition is assembling care packets for the homeless and inserting a small note- in loving memory of our deceased child.

What ways do you remember and honor your baby’s angelversary?

Peace Love and Hugs from Above  www.justacloudaway.com

Diana

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My baby is in heaven and I cannot even fathom the beauty of this playground. I truly love this earth and feel some places are indeed heavenly. I can visually imagine all the little babies that have died early in pregnancy, stillborn or as an infant, together in a special place waiting for us. A place rich in vivid colors, no words can describe.

The clouds glisten like snow and cushion our babies when they fall. At night the billowy puffs swaddle our children like a white fleece blankie just fetched from the dryer.

The brightly colored flowers on hillsides and valleys bloom forever to slow their speed as they tumble down.

Butterflies carry and care as our angels frolic through the meadows tasting sweet nectar from the flowers blooming at their noses.

 

Brightly colored crocus and camellia flowers taste like cotton candy or gummy bears when the children need a sweet treat.

Precious angel babies can drink from any stream, lake or river when thirsty from playing in the warm sunshine quenching thirsty little mouths.

What Dreams May Come,a movie starring Robin Williams was a beautiful rendition of how heaven could be for our babies that have passed. The vivid colors, beautiful imagdry, and the thought of having peace without obstacles was very appealing and comforting to me.

My son Tanner was stillborn 4 years ago and I still think about him everyday. If you have not lost a child you may think it would be impossible to do so. There are so many things in everyday life that remind me of my sweet child in heaven. Certain colors, scents, words, and songs could trigger my thoughts of Tanner. My garden is full of brightly colored flowers in the month of May, also Mother’s Day where my thoughts are of my child in heaven.

Cuddled up with a buttercup my sweet son

I Love You Always, Mommy

www.justacloudaway.com

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Jewelry, pins, and ribbons have new meaning after the death of a baby. Bereaved mothers and fathers are walking memorials for their babies in heaven. We don’t have a favorite t-shirt or teddy bear with our children’s scent to hold onto at night. We have memories and trinkets to adorn our bodies, representing the everlasting love for sweet babies gone too soon.

My jewelry box is now filled with butterflies, angels,hearts, gemstones, charms with the letter “T”, pink and blue ribbons, a perfume vile holding my stillborn son’s ashes, and pins reflecting hope and faith.

When I was a teenager waiting tables at a restaurant, a woman named Agatha would come to my section once a week for coffee. She noticed a stone charm on my necklace and commented on how lovely it was. She then asked me what it meant. I told her it didn’t mean anything and that I bought the stone because I liked it. She sternly looked at me and said, “Everything you wear should have meaning”. I would have a different response for Agatha today.

My mother is an avid QVC shopper and always finds deals on jewelry for me. Years before Tanner was born still she would find charms with hearts, heart earrings or heart pins to give me throughout the year. I was very frank with her about my dislike of girlie heart-like jewelry, not particularly my personality. So my mother stopped giving me gifts with heart themes. My experience of losing my sweet baby has changed my feelings toward hearts and I now gladly accept them.

Only after the passing of my son Tanner was I told by my grandmother’s sister (Veronica) that her mother (my great grandmother) had a stillborn baby girl and named her Veronica. It is rather strange that a tombstone of her daughter reads Veronica and she also had a living daughter with the same name. Pregnancy loss was much different 80 years ago. I wonder if my great grandmother had special trinkets in her jewelry box for her deceased child. I don’t think the concept of jewelry with meaning has changed, but maybe the jewelry in itself has. Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month has been established since 1987 by President Ronald Regan, helping to recognize the grief of losing a baby or early pregnancy loss.

My mother is now going through my other grandmother’s jewelry box and handing down these treasures to me. I wonder if anything means something I am unaware of. She has Alzmeimer’s disease now and I would be unable to ask her.

It is very difficult to part with anything from a jewelry box because there may be an angel remembered from long ago.

Peace Love and Hugs from Above  www.justacloudaway.com

Diana

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I loved him before he was conceived and his name is Tanner. My beautiful son was born still and 2 days before we would know of this horrific news, I decided to nickname him Tanner Nanner. His name was determined the day we found out he would wear blue and his name stands at the entrance of his Memory Garden.

plaque1.jpg

Hearing Tanner’s name, writing Tanner’s name and seeing Tanner’s name is important for me to move forward on my healing journey, with him in my heart.

My husband constructed a name plaque for Tanner’s Memory Garden. It is a simple memorial craft you and your spouse can create for your sweet angel baby. Materials needed:

  • Piece of pressure treated wood, 2x4x whatever length you need
  • A router tool
  • Copper pipe and fittings (connectors)
  • Strong adhesive, I think he used gorilla glue
  • A hacksaw
  • Table saw
  • Vice grip
  • Letter template to trace onto the wood

This project took a few hours because my husband needed the sign for Tanner’s name to be just perfect. He traced the letters onto the pressure treated wood and placed it into the vice to hold it still while he used the router tool to cut the letters. He then cut the access wood with a table saw. With the router tool he made a grove around the perimeter of the wood for the copper pipe to rest nicely. With a hacksaw the copper pipe was cut and fitted around the wood and connected by 90 degree elbows. Gorilla glue was used to permanently bond the pipe. We gently hammered Tanner’s name plaque into the ground and after a few months to dry (pressure treated wood needs to dry for months before you can stain or paint it) we will paint the letters. At the base of his name plaque are beautiful helleborus plants.  A name plaque can even be created for a memory garden at church.

This could be an activity for a grieving father. My husband didn’t talk much and just wanted to fix things with his hands. The mortared stone benches in Tanner’s garden, the name plaque, and the shadowbox were all his way of comforting me and also helping himself on his healing journey.

tannercopper.jpg

Naming a deceased baby loved before conception helps family and friends by enabling them to purchase mementos when they feel helpless. My brother and sister-in-law bought us a wind chime for Tanner’s 1st angelversary with his name and heartfelt words to blow in the wind, making angel-like music for our ears.

chime.jpg

Several girlfriends and women I have met through support groups have named their miscarried and stillborn babies. There are also bereaved families that chose not to give their children names. It is a personal decision.

tulipcross2.jpg

Another way to add your child’s name to their memory garden is on an engraved memorial brick.

brick.jpg

The names chosen for my children who have died are just as important as my living child for the mere fact of my belief and faith in heaven and the opportunity to hold my children again someday.

“While we were dreaming of your baby ways

God was planning your heavenly days”

Peace Love and Hugs from Above  www.justacloudaway.com

Diana

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Native wildflowers are very good choices for memory garden plants because they are already acclimated to our temperatures, soil structure and rainfall. Plants incorporated into memory gardens should be very durable and able to withstand harsh climatic conditions, ensuring survival. If you are placing your child’s memory garden into a natural area, or roadside, this is a wonderful location to incorporate wildflowers indigenous to North America. Most are drought tolerate, pest and disease free and attract butterflies.

I will only discuss those wildflower perennials available at your local plant nurseries. The first wildflower is Goldenrod or the scientific name, Solidago. Many people are familiar with this autumn blooming flower, usually found along roads. The color is golden yellow and brightens up the garden in September and October. “Golden Fleece” Goldenrod is sold at plant nurseries in 1 gallon pots. This plant will reach 18 inches tall with a spreading habit. The flower heads make great cutting or pressed flowers.

Giant Goldenrod

The next wildflower appropriate for memory gardens in natural areas is Black-Eyed Susan or the scientific name, Rudbeckia hirta. This perennial is different than the one commonly sold. This species grows on roadsides, fields and meadows reaching a height of 2 to 3 feet, much larger than Rudbeckia fulgida. The plant is spectacular in bloom and are also make wonderful pressed and cutting flowers. The yellow blooms are perfect for a touch of sunshine in your memory gardens.

Rudbeckia hirta.jpg

Another wildflower able to grow in adverse conditions is Amsonia tabernaemontana or the common name, Blue Star. This delicate wildflower bears star-shaped blue blooms in the spring. It will grow 2 to 3 feet in height and 3 feet in spread. Not only does this native flower have blooms of blue, the fall foliage turns a golden yellow lasting until early winter.

Amsonia nadrenska Amsonia ...

The last indiginoues wildflower I highly recommend is Baptisia australis, or the common name, False Indigo. The plant reaches a height of 3 feet and spreads to 4 feet. The beautiful purple blooms occur in April through August.

The False Indigo (Baptisia) is ...

All the above plants are sun loving and tough perennials for your memory gardens in natural areas and locations along the roadside.

Peace Love and Hugs from Above  www.justacloudaway.com

Diana

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