Posts Tagged ‘heaven’

My sister-in-law has always been very supportive after the death of my stillborn son Tanner. I remember her sitting on my porch 2 days after his passing and saying, “Don’t they know what happened, why is he mowing the lawn?”.

The world should have stopped after Tanner died and as well as the death of every other wanted baby. Don’t the people around us know the magnitute of our grief? No, and most of us don’t want you too. What is important to us is remembering what should have been. Our angels now have angelversaries to memorialize the moment we found out they left us. Every bereaved parent has a date.

My sister-in-law created her own memorial to honor our sweet angel baby and her nephew. 5 years later and it still remains on their living room wall.


Those are Tanner’s actual footprints and I have made copies for all family members for a keepsake. Some are placed in a scrapbook, some framed on a wall and others tucked away in bibles or journals.


Our little angels aren’t here physically, but they are always present mentally. It is true I think of him everyday and everyday I do not cry but the only 12 pictures of him in existence, vividly adorn my memory.

Some family members hold a special place in my heart because of their warmth, love, support and just loving my little angel by honoring him with memorial keepsakes.

Who are the special people in your life and who has created a keepsake memorial honoring your little angel?

Peace Love and Hugs from Above


Read Full Post »

A friend of mine called a local scrapbook store asking to carry Just a Cloud Away Remembrance Kits on consignment, meaning, I would leave the kits in the store and only be paid when they were sold. He said no, I don’t want anything depressing in my store. Shit no, did he just say what I think he just said. I can tell you this, he is incredibly lucky that I was not the one making the call. So I will ponder what could have prompted such a dumb ass remark.

This scrapbook store owner:

  • must not carry memorial scrapbook products of any kind, they are just too sad
  • has not experienced baby loss himself because of his gender
  • has had no family member or friend experience miscarriage, stillbirth or any pregnancy loss (one out of four pregnancies ends in miscarriage and it is possible no one shared their loss with him because of his warm nature)
  • does not believe in Heaven and reuniting with our loved ones passed
  • no sense of hope or faith
  • is unaware of National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month, with October 15th the actual day
  • probably feels sending flowers as a sympathy gift is safe and avoids the issue and does not condone expressing ones grief and memorializing a life is of any importance

So I may have taken his response somewhat personal and he may have a very good reason for not wanting to carry remembrance kits for babies.

2 local scrapbook stores kindly carrying Just a Cloud Away Remembrance Kits for pregnancy and infant loss are:

I cannot take these responses to heart, which is a difficult task for me. I take great offense to individuals or companies who have an opportunity to carry a product specifically for baby loss, who currently have none available for bereaved families.

We all have unique passions after our angels pass and this is one of mine. Sometimes I feel that it is us against them. It is not healthy and I would love for our grief not to be silent anymore.


Peace Love and Hugs from Above  www.justacloudaway.com


Read Full Post »

The angelversary date has no rules. For us it is the day Tanner’s stillborn body laid in my arms (also my husband’s birthday), for my girlfriend it was the day of her D&C, for another, her child’s expected due date.

Once the month of August hits, my anxiety starts building. September 28th is Tanner’s angelversaryand for years I have become very tense beginning in August ending in October. Maybe because October 1st was Tanner’s memorial service and October 14th was his expected due date. Now that I am on Citalopram, anxiety levels shouldn’t be unbearable for my family.

Tanner’s first angelversary we had a few close friends over for cake. I had both Tanner and Todd’s name on the cake and we sang to both. My girlfriend brought balloons to tie onto Tanner’s memory garden cross which started this tradition. Even if we do not have a cake, it is a new tradition for my husband and myself to visit Tanner’s memory garden with balloons for his cross. I also like to bring his journal to the memory garden and write a letter wishing my angel a happy birthday in heaven.

One of my girlfriend’s started a new tradition for her baby’s angelversary by visiting her stillborn child’s grave bringing flowers and also placing flowers at the graves of other deceased babies. Another friend makes a donation to the pregnancy loss support group that was very supportive in her healing. Another tradition is assembling care packets for the homeless and inserting a small note- in loving memory of our deceased child.

What ways do you remember and honor your baby’s angelversary?

Peace Love and Hugs from Above  www.justacloudaway.com


Read Full Post »

Our precious Tanner was stillborn and several weeks prior another Tanner was born healthy and safe. After almost 5 years it still hurts me to see this little boy in church. This Tanner is almost the exact age of my angel Tanner.

My husband is Methodist and I am Catholic so we are members of 2 wonderful churches. We attend both parishes. Pleasant Union United Methodist Church is right around the block from us in a rural setting. There are approximately 150 families where everyone knows each other by name.

This past Christmas we attended the gingerbread house activity at Pleasant Union. This was our 3rd year decorating the houses where we can visit and share decorating techniques. We prepare for this event weeks prior gathering all sorts of candies for roofing, snow, and shrubs. This time was different for me. The little boy Tanner that had lived sat next to us with his little sister and mother. I had my back to the family the entire time and every time the mother would call “Tanner’s” name I would cringe. I tried very hard to concentrate on what I was doing and ignore surrounding voices.

They are good people but I just don’t have it in me to talk to them yet. My little boy is now an angel, how can I talk to a living child named Tanner who is the same age as my Tanner in heaven? This is such a small community I wonder what they thought when my Tanner died? I think my husband even went to school with Tanner’s mother.

I have noticed Tanner in church several times and discreetly stare at him. He is quiet and well behaved. His head tilts slightly down with his big brown eyes so innocently looking around the church. I think my Tanner would have been similar, just my intuition. Tanner would love to read like his father, tall in stature and quiet natured with a heart of gold.

He is in heaven reading among the flowers, animals and the stream with Uncle Jim.

Peace Love and Hugs from Above  www.justacloudaway.com


Read Full Post »

I used to think everything happened for a reason before my son was stillborn. I am guilty of uttering those insensitive words, “Everything happens for a reason”. I remember them rolling off my tongue to my uncle whose new grand baby was born with a terminal illness.

This phrase “Everything happens for a reason” is now non-existent in my book of sayings. Whoever started this was apparently without compassion. The phrase still lingers in today’s society without batting an eye. Once you are faced with a tragic death of your own child the world around you is an enemy for a time.

We are good parents, we have so much love to give and we desired to teach our children how beautiful the world is. It isn’t fair that people are having babies and ultimately neglect them. Why do they get to have perfect and healthy children and we are denied? What would be the reason for this?

My much wanted child died before he could see me with his own eyes how much I loved him. The reason he died was a cord accident and I do not think God intentionally tightened the cord to cut off his oxygen supply. This is not a perfect world and accidents and tragedies occur completely out of our control. We do not have much control anyway.

“Time will heal” is another saying people provide after the death of a baby. I don’t believe this either. I believe it is what you do with the time that mends our broken hearts. After Tanner died I drank heavily everyday for a good month. If I continued this ritual I would have self destructed and become a woman with the only indication of being alive- a heartbeat.

I like to think that because my son became an angel I have become a better person. My heart is filled with much more love of the physical and spritual kind or the visible and the unseen.

The play has been written but we can change the perception of the audience by sharing our love for our angel babies in heaven, whatever the reason was. They are our children.

Peace Love and Hugs from Above  www.justacloudaway.com


Read Full Post »

Anita was pregnant with her second baby girl when they found out she had cancer. The symptoms of pregnancy camomflaged this horrible disease ravageing her body.

Anita was my best friend from grade school and lived nearby. We went to school together, played on the same softball team and had sleep overs on the weekends. Both of us attended different high schools and we drifted apart. Later on she married and moved away from Buffalo (our home town) and settled in another state.

I called and talked to her husband because I was planning on making a 12 hour road trip to see her. This was stomach cancer and it was moving fast. She was hospitalized because several other organs had to be removed.

 I could only make the road trip in 2 months and I remember someone telling me that it might be too late. I called her on the phone and this voice was incredibly frail and soft. Was this my girlfriend? I could not believe my ears. I am so glad I had the opportunity to talk to her because she died shortly after. Her daughter was born healthy at approximately 7 months gestation, before Anita passed.

I took it extremely hard because she was my friend, young in age and had her whole life ahead of her with her husband and had 2 precious girls. The youngest daughter would never know her.

I loved her parents and reached out to them after Anita had died. I felt to bad for them. Anita was their eldest child of 3.

A couple of years after Anita died my son also died. Tanner was our first born and died of a cord accident in the womb. He was stillborn and our little angel. I immediately thought of Anita holding my baby in her loving arms as she rocked him to sleep in a beautiful garden in heaven. This vision gave me some comfort which I shared with Anita’s parents, along with a picture of Tanner. They were touched.

I know that heaven is full of  wonderful family members, but having a good friend who was expecting another child cradling my baby was so comforting to me. She knows how to take care of babies and I told Anita’s parents that I am giving Tanner to her until I get there. I know she will love him with all of her heart.

Anita’s birthday is July 9th and I will always have that special day on my calendar. She will be 39 in heaven.

Happy Birthday Anita! I love you Neetz.

Peace Love and Hugs from Above


Read Full Post »

Angel Jars can be created as memorials for our babies in heaven. This is a simple craft to hold all of the Angel Pennies our sweet children leave us on the streets, sidewalks, doorsteps and other places. Living siblings, cousins or friends can also help create Angel Jars. This craft project may give younger children an outlet to express their love and their grief by creating a memory keepsake.

Here is a list of possible craft supplies you will need:

  • A glass jar with lid
  • Colored paper, stickers, and magazine pictures
  • Elmers glue (dries clear)
  • Paint brush
  • White spray paint
  • Glitter
  • Decoupage
  • Dried flowers
  • A button
  • Cotton balls
  • Needle and thread
  • Hot glue gun
  • Ribbon and cording
  • Piece of cardboard
  • Small piece of fabric

First, select a glass container you would like to use as your Angel Jar. I am using an instant coffee jar.

Next, tear the colored paperand magazine pictures you have selected and adhere with elmer’s glue to the jar making sure to overlap.

I used green and yellow colored craft paper and pictures of flowers from a calendar. Paint on the glue to adhere your dried flowers. The blooms can be gathered from your child’s memory garden or even wildflowers on the side of roads. The smaller the better for this size project. Foliage is also used.

Butterfly stickers were placed onto the torn colored paper.

Don’t worry if the flowers are sticking out a bit, the decoupage solution will seal them in later steps. I wanted to mute and soften the intense colors of the flowers so I used white spray paint. Hold the jar 2 feet away and gently shower the jar with the spray paint. It gives the Angel Jar a cloudy look.

Let the jar dry completely. Now begin designing the lid. Place the lid upside down onto a piece of cardboard and trace. I used a shoe box. 

Cut out the circle and make sure to cut a little smaller to properly fit on your lid. Poke a small hole in the center for a needle and thread later on.

Gather your cotton balls on top and you may hot glue them, but it isn’t needed.

Cut your piece of material a bit larger than your circle. I have selected my grandmothers handkerchief because I just love the delicate fabric and the fact I am able to use them in crafts. Hot glue the fabric at one point and make sure it dries before moving on so you can pull it tight.

Pull tight and glue the next point directly across from the first. Keep moving around until the fabric is all secured.

You will not see this part, so do not worry about how it looks. Place the button you have chosen in the middle and sew into place. I made only one trip through with the thread and hot glued into place on the ugly side. Take your cording, ribbon or rope and glue onto the lid. This will hide any imperfections. I also glued a pink ribbon onto the lid under the cording.

When your Angel Jar is completely dry it is time for glitter and decoupage. I used my paint brush to gently apply the decoupage. This substance will seal your Angel Jar and protect the dried flowers. While still wet, white glitter was applied to the jar.

Because I have many memorial keepsakes for Tanner, I have wrapped one of his necklaces around the lid. It is a charm of a little boy with his gemstone, sapphire.

Angel Jars for Angel Pennies is another way we can create awareness of pregnancy and infant loss and remember our children. They are still a part of our families, even in their absence. Donate your angel pennies to your favorite charity on October 15th ( pregnancy and infant loss awareness day) or your child’s angelversary.

There are many different ways to create Angel Jars. Tear family photographs, gemstone colored papers, family fingerprints, sentimental pictures, pictures of the season your angel passed and others.

Peace Love and Hugs from Above  www.justacloudaway.com


Read Full Post »

We never truly know how our partner will react when a baby or pregnancy has come to an end. Most likely our husbands will grieve and display sorrow in a different manner.

After the stillbirth of our son Tanner, my husband felt the need to fix things by using his hands. He built beautiful stone benches, a pergola and hung a swing in Tanner’s memory gardens.

Since men and women grieve differently, it is important to allow husbands to express their pain in a way that is comfortable for them. Not only was my husband grieving when Tanner died, my father and father-in -law were also suffering deeply. My father lives 700 hundred miles away and wanted to help in any way that he could be using his hands. He also assisted in the construction of the pergola that serves as the entrance to one of Tanner’s memory gardens.

Men feel the need to make things right by using their hands. Participating in the construction of a memorial for their deceased child may help them walk the road of grief with more direction. Building a keepsake memorializing a deceased child may give men a sense of accomplishment and purpose. I know that my husband also wanted to make me feel better and cushion the pain I was feeling. He built a beautiful shadowbox to hold all of Tanner’s memories for me.

There are so many memorial keepsakes men can make with their own 2 hands. My husband also created a name plaque for Tanner’s memory garden.

If you live in an apartment or do not have the space for a memory garden, talk to your husband about creating one at your church.

Please share the memorials your husbands have created honoring your precious children in heaven.

Peace Love and Hugs from Above  www.justacloudaway.com


Read Full Post »

Angel Pennies

I found a penny today

Just lying on the ground

But it’s not just a penny,

This little coin I’ve found.

Found pennies come from heaven.

That’s what my grandpa told me.

He said when an Angel misses you,

They toss a penny down.

Sometimes just to cheer you up,

To make a smile out of your frown.

So don’t pass by that penny,

When you’re feeling blue.

It may be a penny from heaven,

That an Angel’s tossed to you.

-An Angel is now watching over you.

I received a greeting card with these words and a penny attached. After giving a speech to the Thomasville Women’s Club on garden design and some favorite plants, this card of gratitude came just days later.

Any chance I have to increase awareness of pregnancy and infant loss I most certainly will. At my garden design workshops I will always mention Tanner’s name and the memory gardens we have created for him.

The card I received is homemade, so I am very appreciative for the hopeful words upon it. I wonder if she has lost a baby and knows that love never dies.

As I walk down the streets, many pennies are left alone because of being germaphobic. I will just stock my purse full of hand sanitizer and pick every last penny and place into a special angel jar. When there is a substancial amount I will donate to one of the many charities I am passionate about in the honor of my stillborn son

Angel pennies from heaven are for us from them…..

Peace Love and Hugs from Above

Diana www.justacloudaway.com



Read Full Post »

My baby is in heaven and I cannot even fathom the beauty of this playground. I truly love this earth and feel some places are indeed heavenly. I can visually imagine all the little babies that have died early in pregnancy, stillborn or as an infant, together in a special place waiting for us. A place rich in vivid colors, no words can describe.

The clouds glisten like snow and cushion our babies when they fall. At night the billowy puffs swaddle our children like a white fleece blankie just fetched from the dryer.

The brightly colored flowers on hillsides and valleys bloom forever to slow their speed as they tumble down.

Butterflies carry and care as our angels frolic through the meadows tasting sweet nectar from the flowers blooming at their noses.


Brightly colored crocus and camellia flowers taste like cotton candy or gummy bears when the children need a sweet treat.

Precious angel babies can drink from any stream, lake or river when thirsty from playing in the warm sunshine quenching thirsty little mouths.

What Dreams May Come,a movie starring Robin Williams was a beautiful rendition of how heaven could be for our babies that have passed. The vivid colors, beautiful imagdry, and the thought of having peace without obstacles was very appealing and comforting to me.

My son Tanner was stillborn 4 years ago and I still think about him everyday. If you have not lost a child you may think it would be impossible to do so. There are so many things in everyday life that remind me of my sweet child in heaven. Certain colors, scents, words, and songs could trigger my thoughts of Tanner. My garden is full of brightly colored flowers in the month of May, also Mother’s Day where my thoughts are of my child in heaven.

Cuddled up with a buttercup my sweet son

I Love You Always, Mommy


Read Full Post »

Older Posts »


Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 31 other followers