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Posts Tagged ‘generalized anxiety disorder’

In the house for 7 days, could not get out and wanted to. Searching and reading stories of those with bipolar disorder was my activity for the week. All the signs and symptoms add up beginning early in childhood.  Here is a good article looking at potential signs in your child.

All these meds are confusing, I don’t know which does what and don’t really care as long as I can feel some sense of normalcy soon. The frightening thing is my normal is not normal, but it is the only thing I know. What I can say is that my emotions are INTENSE. A few years ago after Tanner’s death I thought about heaven and I was sure I DIDN’T want to go when the time comes. It’s a strange thing, but I don’t want to be happy all the time because I am used to the severe fluctuation, the only thing I’ve known for 30 something years.

At a young age I remember crying a lot in my bedroom because of intense emotions. Another issue was me having to leave classrooms because of my anxiety and this started in first grade, school and religion. My mother would bring me back and I would just walk home again. I needed to get out and I do not have an explanation, just terrified and sad to be trapped again.

I loved music but always tended to listen to the slow songs with sad lyrics. I still gravitate towards them today and because I have lost interest in music lately, all I can do is listen to the sad songs of the 80′s. Maybe it gives me some comfort, who knows.

In second grade walking home from religion during the winter the bratty boys would throw snowballs at the girls. I remember thinking I had some kind of super power that would electrocute them if they continued.

Maybe third grade I wrote my parents a letter that God had spoken to me (or something like that). My cousins had left our house after a party and I felt absolute dread and lonely. I will never forget that feeling. How could a little squirt endure such shitty emotions.

Maybe fourth grade in my favorite class, Art with Ms Graham I remember her taking me out in the hall trying to calm me down from crying. I had a crush on a boy and because of my shyness, he did not know. My outgoing friend quickly started a puppy love relationship with him and I was devastated beyond words. I was not a happy child and would never want to relive it even though my family was so loving and caring.

Tomorrow we are off to see friends who experience bipolar disorder and I am looking forward to the visit.

Diana

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5 years ago was the worst day of my life when Tanner was pronounced dead at the hospital. I would have never thought I’d be acknowledging my sweet son’s 5th birthday in his memory garden.

When you loose a baby, these times are not easy to endure. Tanner would be going to kindergarden and making new friends, playing t-ball, and just being a beautiful 5 year old little boy. They are the same milestones parents of living children think about.

My grief was not overwhelming this year as previous years. Maybe it has something to do with the medication I am on from being diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder. Whatever the case, I still couldn’t bring myself to attend church yesterday. That is a place where my grief creeps up on me and I am trapped within crowds of people with my eyes at full capacity with tears. We spent a quiet day at home.

It has been a tradition to fly a brightly colored balloon in Tanner’s Memory garden on his angelversary. I always wished that the store clerk would ask me whose birthday are you celebrating with this beautiful balloon. It hasn’t occured yet.

We also hung a beautiful blue angel ornament. The angel ornament complimented the beautiful blue sky and white fluffy clouds.

Since my husband and Tanner share birthday’s, my parents put a little extra cash in his envelope to purchase something for Tanner’s Memory Garden. My husband made a good choice with the ornament of an angel.

Every year my dear Uncle sends a birthday card addressed to both Tanner and my husband. Something as small as writing my stillborn son’s name is a great feeling of warmth.

Last evening my in-laws brought a metal flower to place in his garden.

Tanner is not physically here but his presence certainly is. Tanner’s Memory Garden was included in a SANDS newsletter in Australia………………on his 5th birthday. Thank you Pauline.

Happy Angelversary Honey

Mommy Loves You Always

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I am now on Citalopram, the generic form of Celexa and this is helping tremendously. When I first started taking this medication I was quite tired and zombie-like. For some reason that fatigue has subsided and I can multi-task like nobody’s business. Citalopram is the second medication my doctor prescribed, Lexapro being the first. $70 a month or $9 a month, I chose 9 (citalopram).

I am relieved of such intense bouts of anxiety and panic and did not know life could be this way. I am very confident that generalized anxiety disorder or GAD is a condition I’ve had most of my life and now can experience life with a calmer nature.

September is my stillborn son’s angelversary (death date) and this will be the true test of the prescribed medication. I told my doctor that 1 month prior to Tanner’s angelversary and 1 month after I am incredibly tense and not fun to be around. So he scheduled another follow up visit for September to see how I’m doing.

I don’t know if I will be able to describe this to its fullest since these are just feelings where I have no control. There has been a pattern of high anxiety around Tanner’s death date that begins sometime around my birthday, August 23. I have a shorter fuse than usual and I do not get along with my husband and make it very clear to stay away from me.

I don’t know if its because Tanner and my husband share birthday’s or just the fact that we are approaching a bittersweet day, September 28. On the birthday cake it will always read “Happy Birthday Todd and Tanner” and sometimes it ends up being a very melancholy day with a great deal of silence.

I hope Citalopram will alleviate this anxiety and panic so I can enjoy my husband’s birthday and honor my perfect and beautiful stillborn son Tanner.

Peace Love and Hugs from Above  www.justacloudaway.com

Diana

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I’ve had a visit to our family doctor since my last post of concerns with dizziness and lack of concentration and the diagnosis was Generalized Anxiety Disorder. “A Disorder” is definitely what I have been feeling for quite some time. The doctor also suggested a touch of ADHD. Much of the time I am in a stressed and in a panicked state which I considered a normal feeling until now. My work and my life are suffering from my inability to concentrate and remember. I don’t know if this stemmed from the death of my stillborn son or prior.

My doctor is wonderful and suggested to get a second opinion. I will do so if his diagnosis is incorrect. My husband came with me to the appointment to verify my condition. I am the multi-tasker moving at a much slower rate. The doctor just told me to keep talking about issues bothering me and why I had lost so much weight. I told him it has been a stressful year. I have this panicky feeling to get our finances in order for fear that I will die of cancer before my husband passes. I have temporary relief of a stressful situation after walking through it only to find myself worrying about the next. I analyze situations without knowing all of the facts and get myself highly worked up and upset. Other symptoms include:

  • feeling of pin pricks on my skin
  • hot flashes
  • rapid heartbeat
  • loss of appetite
  • absolute exhaustion around 7pm
  • grinding teeth at night
  • thinking the worst of every situation
  • forgetting
  • cannot process verbal communication
  • head spinning
  • moving slow
  • short fuse
  • hit the floor running in the mornings

I am now on Lexapro, a medication prescribed to me for depression after Tanner died. The doctor said that Lexapro also treats patients with GAD because I assured him I was not feeling depressed. Unfortunately it will take 3 weeks to get into my system for some much needed relief. I remember being on this years ago and it really helped my depression. The one thing I disliked was the inability to cry and becoming desensitized. Crying for me is a stress relief. I will see what happens. Xanex is another medication for immediate results but creates a zoombie-like state, not condusive for work.

All my blood work came out negative for anything life threatening so we will work with what I was dealt. I know several of my girlfriends are on medication and I am wondering if this will be a life long commitment.

Peace Love and Hugs from Above  www.justacloudaway.com

Diana

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