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Posts Tagged ‘angel’

5 years ago was the worst day of my life when Tanner was pronounced dead at the hospital. I would have never thought I’d be acknowledging my sweet son’s 5th birthday in his memory garden.

When you loose a baby, these times are not easy to endure. Tanner would be going to kindergarden and making new friends, playing t-ball, and just being a beautiful 5 year old little boy. They are the same milestones parents of living children think about.

My grief was not overwhelming this year as previous years. Maybe it has something to do with the medication I am on from being diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder. Whatever the case, I still couldn’t bring myself to attend church yesterday. That is a place where my grief creeps up on me and I am trapped within crowds of people with my eyes at full capacity with tears. We spent a quiet day at home.

It has been a tradition to fly a brightly colored balloon in Tanner’s Memory garden on his angelversary. I always wished that the store clerk would ask me whose birthday are you celebrating with this beautiful balloon. It hasn’t occured yet.

We also hung a beautiful blue angel ornament. The angel ornament complimented the beautiful blue sky and white fluffy clouds.

Since my husband and Tanner share birthday’s, my parents put a little extra cash in his envelope to purchase something for Tanner’s Memory Garden. My husband made a good choice with the ornament of an angel.

Every year my dear Uncle sends a birthday card addressed to both Tanner and my husband. Something as small as writing my stillborn son’s name is a great feeling of warmth.

Last evening my in-laws brought a metal flower to place in his garden.

Tanner is not physically here but his presence certainly is. Tanner’s Memory Garden was included in a SANDS newsletter in Australia………………on his 5th birthday. Thank you Pauline.

Happy Angelversary Honey

Mommy Loves You Always

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Pastor Cecil came to the hospital as soon as the community heard of Tanner’s death. We had never met this man before and with his tremendous faith in Jesus and love for Tanner, came to comfort us in our time of absolute devastation.

My husband and I did not belong to a church at the time of Tanner’s death. Pastor Cecil had just started his ministry at my in-laws church, Pleasant Union United Methodist in Liberty, North Carolina.

He later came to our house to pray with us and just sit beside me as I cried. It made me feel so good to have this man of God in my house where our little boy began his short life in my womb. His soft voice, his words and his gentle nature helped my family in this delicate time of grief. Even though he did not know us or Tanner, there were tears in his eyes.

Pastor Cecil offered to give a memorial service for us, honoring our precious angel. He and another Pastor gave a wonderful service and spoke of the love and of how Tanner touched so many lives without a physical presence. He wrote a letter addressed to us from Tanner that touched my soul.

One paragraph reads:

There’s a part of me that wishes God would give me back to you. I don’t know why I can’t be with you. After all, there are plenty of angels here in heaven to do all the work. But, what I do know is that someday we’ll all be together here in Heaven. So, just take Jesus’ hand, I’m holding the other one. Sometimes the hand of Jesus comes to you in the hand of a pastor, or a next door neighbor, a church member, a co-worker, a family member and sometimes through the hands of a stranger. Reach out for the hand of Jesus, and you will be close to God and close to me. You see God, wants to hold us all, especially in sad times like now.

I only wish I could help him now in his time of grief like he helped me. His sweet son was killed a few days ago in a car accident. His eldest son in his early 20’s is now with Jesus. Even a man of God with tremendous faith will grieve the loss of his child. Cecil, I will pray for you and your family as you did for us. I just found out Tanner and your son’s birthday are but a day apart. September is a time where nature and flora are slowly coming to a rest, rich colors of autumn are transforming the landscapes and the scent of wood burning fires and aroma of pumpkin spice candles will have new meaning, as life with Jesus begins for our children. 

Pastor Cecil was very instrumental in our memory garden dedication for Tanner the following May. I will plant another perennial to honor his precious son.

We love you very much Cecil

Peace Love and Hugs from Above  www.justacloudaway.com

Diana

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Anita was pregnant with her second baby girl when they found out she had cancer. The symptoms of pregnancy camomflaged this horrible disease ravageing her body.

Anita was my best friend from grade school and lived nearby. We went to school together, played on the same softball team and had sleep overs on the weekends. Both of us attended different high schools and we drifted apart. Later on she married and moved away from Buffalo (our home town) and settled in another state.

I called and talked to her husband because I was planning on making a 12 hour road trip to see her. This was stomach cancer and it was moving fast. She was hospitalized because several other organs had to be removed.

 I could only make the road trip in 2 months and I remember someone telling me that it might be too late. I called her on the phone and this voice was incredibly frail and soft. Was this my girlfriend? I could not believe my ears. I am so glad I had the opportunity to talk to her because she died shortly after. Her daughter was born healthy at approximately 7 months gestation, before Anita passed.

I took it extremely hard because she was my friend, young in age and had her whole life ahead of her with her husband and had 2 precious girls. The youngest daughter would never know her.

I loved her parents and reached out to them after Anita had died. I felt to bad for them. Anita was their eldest child of 3.

A couple of years after Anita died my son also died. Tanner was our first born and died of a cord accident in the womb. He was stillborn and our little angel. I immediately thought of Anita holding my baby in her loving arms as she rocked him to sleep in a beautiful garden in heaven. This vision gave me some comfort which I shared with Anita’s parents, along with a picture of Tanner. They were touched.

I know that heaven is full of  wonderful family members, but having a good friend who was expecting another child cradling my baby was so comforting to me. She knows how to take care of babies and I told Anita’s parents that I am giving Tanner to her until I get there. I know she will love him with all of her heart.

Anita’s birthday is July 9th and I will always have that special day on my calendar. She will be 39 in heaven.

Happy Birthday Anita! I love you Neetz.

Peace Love and Hugs from Above

Diana

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Jewelry, pins, and ribbons have new meaning after the death of a baby. Bereaved mothers and fathers are walking memorials for their babies in heaven. We don’t have a favorite t-shirt or teddy bear with our children’s scent to hold onto at night. We have memories and trinkets to adorn our bodies, representing the everlasting love for sweet babies gone too soon.

My jewelry box is now filled with butterflies, angels,hearts, gemstones, charms with the letter “T”, pink and blue ribbons, a perfume vile holding my stillborn son’s ashes, and pins reflecting hope and faith.

When I was a teenager waiting tables at a restaurant, a woman named Agatha would come to my section once a week for coffee. She noticed a stone charm on my necklace and commented on how lovely it was. She then asked me what it meant. I told her it didn’t mean anything and that I bought the stone because I liked it. She sternly looked at me and said, “Everything you wear should have meaning”. I would have a different response for Agatha today.

My mother is an avid QVC shopper and always finds deals on jewelry for me. Years before Tanner was born still she would find charms with hearts, heart earrings or heart pins to give me throughout the year. I was very frank with her about my dislike of girlie heart-like jewelry, not particularly my personality. So my mother stopped giving me gifts with heart themes. My experience of losing my sweet baby has changed my feelings toward hearts and I now gladly accept them.

Only after the passing of my son Tanner was I told by my grandmother’s sister (Veronica) that her mother (my great grandmother) had a stillborn baby girl and named her Veronica. It is rather strange that a tombstone of her daughter reads Veronica and she also had a living daughter with the same name. Pregnancy loss was much different 80 years ago. I wonder if my great grandmother had special trinkets in her jewelry box for her deceased child. I don’t think the concept of jewelry with meaning has changed, but maybe the jewelry in itself has. Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month has been established since 1987 by President Ronald Regan, helping to recognize the grief of losing a baby or early pregnancy loss.

My mother is now going through my other grandmother’s jewelry box and handing down these treasures to me. I wonder if anything means something I am unaware of. She has Alzmeimer’s disease now and I would be unable to ask her.

It is very difficult to part with anything from a jewelry box because there may be an angel remembered from long ago.

Peace Love and Hugs from Above  www.justacloudaway.com

Diana

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We were all moved to another room, the place where Tanner would enter the world silently. The nurse on duty was very sympathetic and showed great concern for us. The cords were hooked up into my arm and the morphine slowly entered my veins.

Soon afterwards the anesthesiologist inserted the needle into my back to numb my lower extremities. All this activity was performed quietly while my supportive family stood in the room by my side. I did not want the television on or any other distractions for fear of missing something.

The nurse was to be relieved by another and I felt panicked about the change. I truthfully did not want her to leave because we had been through so much in this short amount of time. Nurse Tara  would be the angel to put the first hands upon my son.

I was immediately comforted by her presence. She was kind, spoke softly and made sure my family was comfortable by offering the room next door as sleeping quarters for my in-laws. She informed me that the white rose taped to the door was to let other staff members know what was happening in our room. I think my father-in-law used it because we were all very tired being up all night.

The hours dragged by with great anticipation of the pitocin to take effect helping Tanner on his way. I asked Nurse Tara how long this will take and what do I do. She couldn’t answer how long we would have to wait but kindly brought a green satin box for me. Inside this box were things I never thought I would ever have to touch.

Peace Love and Hugs from Above  www.justacloudaway.com

Diana

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 music.jpg

Not only does the season effect bereaved parents of pregnancy and baby loss, music may also provoke strong emotions associated with their sweet children. Even before the stillbirth of my son Tanner, I am very moved by the melody and lyrics of certain songs that touch my soul.

Do you remember the songs playing on the radio about the time your little baby became an angel? Did you purchase a music cd to play while rocking your precious baby to sleep? Was there a certain song sung or played at your child’s memorial service, funeral or memory garden dedication? Are there holiday carols ringing in your ears department stores played when you were grieving the loss of your baby?

Yes, to all of the above.

I purchased a lullaby cd months before Tanner was born. I pictured myself holding him in my arms while he fell asleep listening to the soothing songs and rocking him. I will listen to this cd when I feel like crying or am just in melancholy mood.

Tanner was stillborn September 28th and I can remember 2 songs that played over and over again on the radio. “My Immortal” by Evanescence and “Fallen” by Sarah McLachlan. My cries started from the depths of my soul and by the time they reached my exterior I was exhausted and needed to sleep. I could not compose myself when these songs played and also have a difficult time today.

Ave Maria is a beautiful song included on the lullaby cd I purchased just for Tanner and me. I would play this song over and over in anticipation of cradling my son in my arms. A church member also sang this for me at Tanner’s Memorial Service and I was so touched.

Christmas was only 3 months after Tanner’s death and I remember hearing “Mary did you know” being sung and had to walk out of the church. I am the emotional type anyway with everything on my sleeves for all to see, that’s me. When the death of my first born child sits on top of my forearm and a song reminiscent of him is played, my sadness can be read a mile away.

Annie Lennox is a musical artist and was the lead singer of the Eurythmics back in the 80’s. I loved her music because it was so powerful. I had no idea that the song “Angel” was for her stillborn child. When I was a teenager I didn’t care about anything but myself, let alone a musician whose child died. How different things are now. If you listen to her singing this song “Angel”, it is truly from her broken heart.

The music, the lyrics, the song titles that bring you and your baby together are another element to include when scrapbooking  or creating keepsakes remembering your baby in heaven.

What are the songs that bond you and your baby?

Peace Love and Hugs from Above  www.justacloudaway.com

Diana

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tannersign-c-d.jpgThe first hands that touched my stillborn son were that of an angel. The entire 12 hours I lay in wait for the arrival of Tanner, a soft voice, never more than a whisper guided my thoughts. For privacy sake, I will call her nurse Tara.

I was shuffled off to the third floor when we knew Tanner would be born dead. The second floor was for all the happy people. Not only did we get the privilege of better views from our window, a beautiful white rose taped to our door indirectly saying “they had a dead baby”.

I quickly bonded to the nurse on duty and I didn’t want her to leave my side. She would make everything better for me. I did not realize her shift would be up in a couple of hours. I felt alone and betrayed. How could she walk away from me now? We have shared so much in the last 2 hours. This nurse would be relieved by nurse Tara, who was God sent.

drawing-c-d.jpgNurse Tara never spoke loud, she stayed by my side and she laid the first hands on my little angel Tanner.

They decided to induce me with pitocin instead of unnecessary surgery. 12 hours of waiting for this drug to do its thing. These 12 hours were filled with all sorts of emotion, but nurse Tara never left me for more than a few minutes. She gave me everything I had asked for and she so kindly would press my button releasing more pain killer into my system. So sweet, she was not wanting me to feel an ounce of physical pain.

All of this medication made me so sick that the garbage can had to be used twice. After several hours, nurse Tara asked me when I would like to start pushing and I specifically remember saying 3 o’clock.

My husband and I were now going to start the process in hopes of seeing our baby for the first and last time. Nurse Tara went to call the doctor and then came back to check my cervix. When she lifted my gown, she looked at us and said “Tanner is here”. My heart is fluttering because I will never forget the look on her face. So incredibly sympathetic.

Beforehand, she made us aware of what he may look like, preparing us mentally. I was afraid, so we requested that the nurses clean and dress Tanner before we held him.

There is so much more to Tanner’s birth, but this story is about nurse Tara. She remains our friend and attends our living son’s birthday parties with her family. We get together at least once a year for lunch to discuss our family lives. Tanner has given me this gift of a new friend and nurse Tara has given me a warm and tender memory of Tanner being born still.

tanner-pic9-c.jpgShe also made sure to take several pictures of us holding Tanner, like this one. Isn’t he just a perfect little angel.

We love you always nurse Tara and I hope all bereaved parents of stillborn babies are treated so tenderly as we were. You are an angel.

Peace Love and Hugs from Above  www.justacloudaway.com

Diana

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