I am now on Citalopram, the generic form of Celexa and this is helping tremendously. When I first started taking this medication I was quite tired and zombie-like. For some reason that fatigue has subsided and I can multi-task like nobody’s business. Citalopram is the second medication my doctor prescribed, Lexapro being the first. $70 a month or $9 a month, I chose 9 (citalopram).

I am relieved of such intense bouts of anxiety and panic and did not know life could be this way. I am very confident that generalized anxiety disorder or GAD is a condition I’ve had most of my life and now can experience life with a calmer nature.

September is my stillborn son’s angelversary (death date) and this will be the true test of the prescribed medication. I told my doctor that 1 month prior to Tanner’s angelversary and 1 month after I am incredibly tense and not fun to be around. So he scheduled another follow up visit for September to see how I’m doing.

I don’t know if I will be able to describe this to its fullest since these are just feelings where I have no control. There has been a pattern of high anxiety around Tanner’s death date that begins sometime around my birthday, August 23. I have a shorter fuse than usual and I do not get along with my husband and make it very clear to stay away from me.

I don’t know if its because Tanner and my husband share birthday’s or just the fact that we are approaching a bittersweet day, September 28. On the birthday cake it will always read “Happy Birthday Todd and Tanner” and sometimes it ends up being a very melancholy day with a great deal of silence.

I hope Citalopram will alleviate this anxiety and panic so I can enjoy my husband’s birthday and honor my perfect and beautiful stillborn son Tanner.

Peace Love and Hugs from Above  www.justacloudaway.com

Diana

How could my stillborn baby be here, I didn’t push yet? I was so confused. My heart was beating in my throat and I couldn’t say anything. My mother-in-law and nurse Tara were the only ones looking at Tanner laying between my legs. My husband was standing by my side and the blanket was separating us from our son.

Nurse Tara gently picked up Tanner and swaddled him in a blankie and took him to another room to be cleaned. That was our wish. I am completely blank as to what I was thinking about when Tanner was in the other room. I am not confused as to the emotion I was feeling though….EXCITED. Even though I had been told he was dead I was very excited to see him. Tanner is our first born child and created by us.

I asked my mother in law what she saw and she said he looked like a baby and that the umbilical cord was very visible. Yes very visible because it was wrapped around his tiny neck 3 times and then around his arm/shoulder area. It was apparent what killed him.

Nurse Tara came back into the room and in her angelic voice told us what to expect. Because of the lack of oxygen for some time, his lips would be a crimson color and Tanner’s skin somewhat delicate with a tear by his nose and eye. Bruises on his body from the umbilical cord. This was all happening before the doctor arrived because Tanner came as such a surprise.

I am so thankful for nurse Tara to have taken so many pictures of us holding our sweet angel Tanner. Who would have thought it would be like this. Isn’t he just perfect.

The Birth of My Stillborn Baby-Part 1

Peace Love and Hugs from Above  www.justacloudaway.com

Diana

This angel craft can be given as a sympathy gift on the deceased baby’s angelversary or death date. No parent will ever forget the day their child left this earth. This keepsake gift can be handcrafted by you because of it’s simplicity. Take the time to remember a child forever loved and missed with the bereaved parents on this day.

Materials you will need:

• A small glass plate
• hot glue gun
• magic marker
• tweezers
• elmers glue
• wax paper
• dried & pressed flowers & foliage
• pearl necklace or other
• decoupage
• gemstones
• engraving tool (optional)

Choose words for your plate and use marker and write. My handwriting is terrible but it is part of me, a mother of angels.

Take your engraving tool and gently trace over the letters then wipe off marker. This tool is inexpensive and can be foundat local craft stores. If you are not going to purchase this tool, simply take glue and go over the letters and sprinkle with glitter.

Now place pressed flowersand foliage around the plate the way you would like it to look. Flowers can be taken from your gardens, place between wax paper and put several books on top to flatten overnight. i have bought silicon gel to remove the water from the flowers, completing drying them. You can also do this isn a warm oven. Take the glue and adhere flowers with a small paint brush. Tweeters are very helpful to move your flowers.

Apply your angels gemstone to the center of the flowers and let dry for an hour before applying the decoupage substance. This will dry clear, so don’t worry that it is looking foggy.

Decoupage will form a protective seal for easy cleaning of your delicate flower blooms.

I chose hydrangea flowers, foliage from Russian Sage and blue gemstones for my son Tanner’s angel keepsake plate.

I have inherited many of my grandmother’s jewlery and used my hot glue gun to attach a broken strand of her pearls to the backside to hang Tanner’s plate.

These angelversary keepsakes can be hung from windows, on a wall or an angels shadowbox.

A lamp’s finial can even be the location for a deceased child’s keepsake plate.

Remember a friend’s baby on their angelversary, because parents do.

Happy Angelversary Sweet Babies

Peace Love and Hugs from Above

Diana  www.justacloudaway.com

I used to think everything happened for a reason before my son was stillborn. I am guilty of uttering those insensitive words, “Everything happens for a reason”. I remember them rolling off my tongue to my uncle whose new grand baby was born with a terminal illness.

This phrase “Everything happens for a reason” is now non-existent in my book of sayings. Whoever started this was apparently without compassion. The phrase still lingers in today’s society without batting an eye. Once you are faced with a tragic death of your own child the world around you is an enemy for a time.

We are good parents, we have so much love to give and we desired to teach our children how beautiful the world is. It isn’t fair that people are having babies and ultimately neglect them. Why do they get to have perfect and healthy children and we are denied? What would be the reason for this?

My much wanted child died before he could see me with his own eyes how much I loved him. The reason he died was a cord accident and I do not think God intentionally tightened the cord to cut off his oxygen supply. This is not a perfect world and accidents and tragedies occur completely out of our control. We do not have much control anyway.

“Time will heal” is another saying people provide after the death of a baby. I don’t believe this either. I believe it is what you do with the time that mends our broken hearts. After Tanner died I drank heavily everyday for a good month. If I continued this ritual I would have self destructed and become a woman with the only indication of being alive- a heartbeat.

I like to think that because my son became an angel I have become a better person. My heart is filled with much more love of the physical and spritual kind or the visible and the unseen.

The play has been written but we can change the perception of the audience by sharing our love for our angel babies in heaven, whatever the reason was. They are our children.

Peace Love and Hugs from Above  www.justacloudaway.com

Diana

Did you choose a name after seeing the 2 pink lines? Did you choose a name after feeling the first kick? Did you choose a name after you found out the gender of your baby? Did you choose a name after your baby died?

My father-in-law gave me a daily devotional booklet, so I read today’s reading by Ruth Beeler Crow, “Nobody Said her Name”.

The flowers were beautiful, and the music was lovely. The minister gave a thought-provoking sermon. But at this funeral no one said my aunt’s name. As we drove to the gravestie, my cousin decided that he would say a few words after the minister read from the Bible and prayed. My cousin knew that saying his grandmother’s name was important. He told some funny stories about things she had done and said. He talked about her life and her family and how she had touched the lives of her loved ones.

Even though Tanner never met any of us “alive” ,the preachers at his Memorial Garden Dedication and Memorial Service did not hestitate to mention that “Tanner touched the lives of people across this nation. A life so brief left a definate imprint on so many of us. ” Tanner may not have physically accomplished much, but his body in my womb has.

God knows every child and God knows every detail of our lives and God knows our name. Isaiah 49:1 “Listen to me, you islands; hear this, you distant nations:Before I was born the Lord called me; from my birth he has made mention of my name.

The names of our deceased children and the memories are what we have been given. Hold on to them tightly because your children are significant and greatly loved.

Psalm 139:16   ……..your eyes saw my unformed body

What is your baby angel’s name?

Peace Love and Hugs from Above  www.justacloudaway.com

Diana

Anita was pregnant with her second baby girl when they found out she had cancer. The symptoms of pregnancy camomflaged this horrible disease ravageing her body.

Anita was my best friend from grade school and lived nearby. We went to school together, played on the same softball team and had sleep overs on the weekends. Both of us attended different high schools and we drifted apart. Later on she married and moved away from Buffalo (our home town) and settled in another state.

I called and talked to her husband because I was planning on making a 12 hour road trip to see her. This was stomach cancer and it was moving fast. She was hospitalized because several other organs had to be removed.

 I could only make the road trip in 2 months and I remember someone telling me that it might be too late. I called her on the phone and this voice was incredibly frail and soft. Was this my girlfriend? I could not believe my ears. I am so glad I had the opportunity to talk to her because she died shortly after. Her daughter was born healthy at approximately 7 months gestation, before Anita passed.

I took it extremely hard because she was my friend, young in age and had her whole life ahead of her with her husband and had 2 precious girls. The youngest daughter would never know her.

I loved her parents and reached out to them after Anita had died. I felt to bad for them. Anita was their eldest child of 3.

A couple of years after Anita died my son also died. Tanner was our first born and died of a cord accident in the womb. He was stillborn and our little angel. I immediately thought of Anita holding my baby in her loving arms as she rocked him to sleep in a beautiful garden in heaven. This vision gave me some comfort which I shared with Anita’s parents, along with a picture of Tanner. They were touched.

I know that heaven is full of  wonderful family members, but having a good friend who was expecting another child cradling my baby was so comforting to me. She knows how to take care of babies and I told Anita’s parents that I am giving Tanner to her until I get there. I know she will love him with all of her heart.

Anita’s birthday is July 9th and I will always have that special day on my calendar. She will be 39 in heaven.

Happy Birthday Anita! I love you Neetz.

Peace Love and Hugs from Above

Diana

Nurse Tara asked me when I would like to start pushing because I was now fully dilated. She was so kind and showed such compassion that I was able to choose the approximate time Tanner would be a stillborn angel. This was about 2 in the afternoon and I don’t know why I said 3pm, but that is the time I chose.

All of the medication made me sick and I had to vomit. It came fast and hard. The small kidney shaped bowl is what my husband reached for but I kept pointing to the garbage can saying “bigger”. Nurse Tara was quick to understand and got the can to my mouth before it came.

Nurse Tara went to telephone the Doctor about the 3 o’clock labor time. The hour went by slow and my heart was beating so fast. I wanted him here, yet I did not know what a dead baby would look like. Within this hour I did ask Nurse Tara what will we see when Tanner is born. She said that the lack of oxygen might have turned his coloration pale and his lips could be crimson in color. The skin will be very fragile and may have torn in some places depending on how long ago Tanner died. This information was also provided in the literature she gave me earlier in the day. My husband and I agreed to have Nurse Tara take Tanner away when born to clean him and prepare us for what we might see.

2:45pm and Nurse Tara wanted to check my cervix again before the doctor arrived. She asked my family to leave except for my husband and mother-in-law. My mother-in-law and I are very close and she asked me if I wanted her to stay since my own mother could not be there. I was so glad she offered.

My father-in-law, girlfriend and husband’s aunt and uncle said goodbye. They kissed and hugged us like it was the last.

When Nurse Tara pulled up my gown to check on progress, looked at me, tilted her head and said “Tanner is here”.

The Birth of My Stillborn Baby-Part 1

The Birth of My Stillborn Baby-Part 10

Peace Love and Hugs from Above  www.justacloudaway.com

Diana

I so love my girlfriends with all of my heart. I am so appreciative for how they supported me when my son Tanner was stillborn. 80% of my friends were either pregnant or just had their babies at the time of Tanner’s death. Doesn’t it seem to always work out that way.

One of my friends actually came to the hospital the day after Tanner passed wearing a bright yellow t-shirt carrying in a dozen yellow roses just for me. Those roses were the only thing I carried away from the hospital. She helped me to the bathroom and we laughed at my butt just hanging out of the loose fitting garments they so kindly provided. I don’t remember any tears at this point, maybe I was still in shock as well as my girlfriend.

I want to share this beautiful poem she wrote for my husband and me of hope and faith. My friend’s mother also had a son that died and he was my girlfriend’s older brother she never had the opportunity to meet. You never know how many people are touched by pregnancy and infant death until it happens to you.

This poem was also read at my son’s memory garden dedication.

If He Could Tell You…..

I’m sure if he could tell you, “Thank You,” he would. I’m sure he would want you to know that he loved being a part of your lives even though brief. He remembers the belly rubs, soothing sounds of your voices, and the adrenalin of wanting him so badly.

I’m sure if he could, he’d tell you..he’s with you forever. He will remember you both in his own angelic way, watching over you, holding onto your souls with his little hands and never releasing. He’s all around you, touching your thoughts and hugging your memories. He smiles and laughs to comfort you each day you feel sad. He’s happy for your strength and needs your hope to help him fly.

I’m sure if he could tell you, “Thank You,” he would, For all the powerful love, for remembering him, for holding him when he was born and missing him when he became your angel. He knows he is your combined, manifested pure love and he is your hope.

He’s the light in your window, he’s the hope in your heart, he’s the baby angel that throws the first snowflake upon your face- his kiss to Mommy and Daddy. Just know that the smiles on your faces help him get through his day, too, and he knows you love him, knows you miss him, and wants you to know that he’s watching over you both. If he could tell you..I know he would.

12-16-03 Melanie Johnson Isayev
A good friend of Diana

Peace Love and Hugs from Above

Diana  www.justacloudaway.com

At this point in the grieving process I was  in “SHOCK”. They tell me my baby had died, but I need proof. Even though with my own 2 eyes I saw no movement on the sonogram screen, I had an ounce of hope. It is possible that the machine was malfunctioning. State of shock means; in space, cannot focus, numb, not many tears, and cannot feel physical pain. Was this only the first stage of many that we must go through?

I did not talk much and neither did my husband. I know people had asked if they could get me something or anything. There wasn’t one thing I wanted more than to see my sweet baby dead or alive. I wanted to hold him and I was ready. I was certainly scared but ready.

When I was in shock it felt much like a dream. I had the similar feeling when I received the phone call that my friend had been shot and murdered. He was just at my house 2 weeks ago for dinner. I had to see my friend and my son in order to process the information. I have always been a very visual person anyway. When it comes to the death of a loved one I am sure many feel the way I did. I live several miles away from my immediate and extended family and when someone passes and I cannot make the funeral, it is very difficult for me to remember they have died.

Nurse Tara continually pressed the button releasing morphine. I didn’t feel anything anyway. But as the hours dragged by I did think about the pain my parents were feeling 700 miles away. I know they were suffering. Several years ago my husband accidentally severed his finger off with the table saw. After bringing him to the doctor I frantically called my parents to help me figure out how to disassemble the saw to retrieve his finger. My mother later told me she walked down the stairs and my father was crying because he was unable to physically help me. I could only imagine the grief in their hearts with this news.

There is a definate correlation between shock and processing a visual fact. This connection may be more difficult for those suffering early pregnancy loss, miscarriage, ectopic or molar pregnancies. The silent grief, as they call it. What visual is being processed here? A picture of a motionless sonogram screen, another pregnancy test without showing 2 pink lines, a mass of bloody tissue, or a doctor’s chart labeled “fetal demise”.

The Birth of my Stillborn Baby-Part 1

The Birth of my Stillborn Baby-Part 9

Peace Love and Hugs from Above  www.justacloudaway.com

Diana

Angel Jars can be created as memorials for our babies in heaven. This is a simple craft to hold all of the Angel Pennies our sweet children leave us on the streets, sidewalks, doorsteps and other places. Living siblings, cousins or friends can also help create Angel Jars. This craft project may give younger children an outlet to express their love and their grief by creating a memory keepsake.

Here is a list of possible craft supplies you will need:

• A glass jar with lid
• Colored paper, stickers, and magazine pictures
• Elmers glue (dries clear)
• Paint brush
• White spray paint
• Glitter
• Decoupage
• Dried flowers
• A button
• Cotton balls
• Needle and thread
• Hot glue gun
• Ribbon and cording
• Piece of cardboard
• Small piece of fabric

First, select a glass container you would like to use as your Angel Jar. I am using an instant coffee jar.

Next, tear the colored paperand magazine pictures you have selected and adhere with elmer’s glue to the jar making sure to overlap.

I used green and yellow colored craft paper and pictures of flowers from a calendar. Paint on the glue to adhere your dried flowers. The blooms can be gathered from your child’s memory garden or even wildflowers on the side of roads. The smaller the better for this size project. Foliage is also used.

Butterfly stickers were placed onto the torn colored paper.

Don’t worry if the flowers are sticking out a bit, the decoupage solution will seal them in later steps. I wanted to mute and soften the intense colors of the flowers so I used white spray paint. Hold the jar 2 feet away and gently shower the jar with the spray paint. It gives the Angel Jar a cloudy look.

Let the jar dry completely. Now begin designing the lid. Place the lid upside down onto a piece of cardboard and trace. I used a shoe box. 

Cut out the circle and make sure to cut a little smaller to properly fit on your lid. Poke a small hole in the center for a needle and thread later on.

Gather your cotton balls on top and you may hot glue them, but it isn’t needed.

Cut your piece of material a bit larger than your circle. I have selected my grandmothers handkerchief because I just love the delicate fabric and the fact I am able to use them in crafts. Hot glue the fabric at one point and make sure it dries before moving on so you can pull it tight.

Pull tight and glue the next point directly across from the first. Keep moving around until the fabric is all secured.

You will not see this part, so do not worry about how it looks. Place the button you have chosen in the middle and sew into place. I made only one trip through with the thread and hot glued into place on the ugly side. Take your cording, ribbon or rope and glue onto the lid. This will hide any imperfections. I also glued a pink ribbon onto the lid under the cording.

When your Angel Jar is completely dry it is time for glitter and decoupage. I used my paint brush to gently apply the decoupage. This substance will seal your Angel Jar and protect the dried flowers. While still wet, white glitter was applied to the jar.

Because I have many memorial keepsakes for Tanner, I have wrapped one of his necklaces around the lid. It is a charm of a little boy with his gemstone, sapphire.

Angel Jars for Angel Pennies is another way we can create awareness of pregnancy and infant loss and remember our children. They are still a part of our families, even in their absence. Donate your angel pennies to your favorite charity on October 15th ( pregnancy and infant loss awareness day) or your child’s angelversary.

There are many different ways to create Angel Jars. Tear family photographs, gemstone colored papers, family fingerprints, sentimental pictures, pictures of the season your angel passed and others.

Peace Love and Hugs from Above  www.justacloudaway.com

Diana