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Archive for the ‘Huh?!’ Category

Pride is crushed by desperation to keep the home, family and dreams of a stable life. I am asking for financial help and after reading this story, maybe you can find it in your heart.

2003- Our first child was stillborn, his name is Tanner. An umbilical cord accident and I don’t know if I caused it to tighten by raising my hands over my head during the last week. This will always be on my mind. Alcohol was my best friend for the month following his death. Not knowing I was Bipolar at that time, mania set in and the idea of constructing a memory garden turned into an obsession.

Soon afterwards, pregnant again against doctors wishes and the pregnancy followed the same season as with Tanner. This was a curse to endure wearing the same pregnancy clothing, seeing the same weather patterns and feeling unsure of baby movements. I did not want any family members to show their happiness for fear they weren’t grieving Tanner. My living son and Tanner’s birthday are 2 weeks apart.

2004- Our first living son was born by induction and I went into a deep depression shortly afterwards. Doctor prescribed antidepressants for postpartum because of unhealthy thoughts. Not knowing that Bipolar Disorder patients are sent into mania if a mood stabilizer is not also taken, ideas to help bereaved parents rushed my brain.

2006- Just a Cloud Away was incorporated as a resource for bereaved parents of baby loss. A scrapbook kit was the product designed to help bereaved parents work through their grief by memorializing their babies with the kit. I had a business coach and a one woman marketing company. I now see how many mistakes were made by their counsel with the biggest being a $60,000 home equity line used for new business ventures.

2007- Realization the kit would be a failure and the loan taking a lifetime to pay back. Started having relationship problems with friends and spouse

2008- Focusing more on Diana Digs Dirt

2010- In a manic state without thinking through, decided to open Cornerstone Garden

2011- Claimed bankruptcy because all credit cards were used for Just a Cloud Away. This horrible experience that rips your insides into oblivion sent me into another deep depression and decided to seek psychiatric help. In addition to existing ADHD, SAD and Panic Disorder was the forever  diagnosis no one wants to hear, Bipolar Disorder. It took many months for myself and family to accept. One travels the same process as in death; Shock, Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance. The main goal is to stabilize the condition, called Bipolar Remission or Recovery. This is at least 6 months without mania or depression. The norm for Bipolar people will never be that of those without the condition.

2011-2014- Medications- It takes years to find the right combination for each individual. Everyone tolerates medicines differently, several different disorders could be present, tolerating side effects or dosage and the interactions of medications could cause confusion.

2012- First hospitalization for suicidal planning in an unfamiliar unit.

2013-Emergency Room visit for a severe panic attack. Another 9 days later, an over night stay in the hospital for Lithium Toxicity. Physical pain sets in causing difficulty moving in the morning and evening hours. Painful numbness in hands and forearms

2014-Trip to the crisis unit for severe panic attack and a week later to the ER for physical pain that cannot be identified.

Currently I have a Landscape Design company called Diana Digs Dirt, a garden shop named Cornerstone Garden and Just a Cloud Away. Loosing them would throw me into depression because the passion  keeps me moving forward.

If you can help out it would be appreciated from the bottom of my heart

Diana Williams    2652 NC Hwy 62 East    Liberty, NC 27298

Read how hospital rejects me

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It has probably been here all along, it’s just now saying hello again. The time change, the colder weather, the darkness and financial issues have helped this horrible condition surface with vengeance.

Before I was diagnosed with depression I would see commercials for anti-depressant meds and think, “Why are people struggling with this when they just need to take their medication?” How easy this would be if true. Your body no longer recognizes the medication after some time and meds for depression take 3 months for full effectiveness. It is a frustrating process and the anxiety intensifies after your Doctor of 13 years leaves the practice.

Last month  my bills for doctor visits, health insurance and medication exceeded $500. This is so stressful and I am only on week 4!

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If bereaved parents who have suffered a pregnancy or infant loss were to rename the title, what would it be? The new title would have to respect all religions and cultural beliefs.

The term “pregnancy and infant loss” has been the universal words spoken if a woman had a miscarriage, ectopic or molar pregnancy, stillbirth or a baby who died of SIDS (and others).

Are the babies lost or do we know where they are?

The same goes with adults. Most people would say, “loss of loved one.” I have not ran across people who are offended by these terms after a family member has died. So why are bereaved parents annoyed at these words.

As I am a bereaved mother and there is much to be annoyed at, but not those words. I know in my heart I will see all the deceased babies again. They are not lost, we are.

If we could change these terms, I suppose my vote would be, ” pregnancy and infant butterflies.” We all know about the amazing transformation of the caterpillar and all the wonderful poems related to the, “change.”

Does this term need to be changed?

Peace Love and Hugs from Above

Diana

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TTC for those not familiar with this acronym means, Trying To Conceive. For those who are trying to conceive, these 3 letters are frequently used in emails, forums and message boards.

Knowing all of our losses are unique, do we share a common waiting period from the doctor when it’s safe to start trying again?

For us, after Tanner was stillborn and our doctor informed us that a 6 month waiting period was recommended. He did explain that this includes physical and emotional healing.

Because it took us 6 months of SERIOUS PLANNED intercourse to conceive Tanner, having unprotected sex after his death was safe, so we thought.

I would have never thought seeing the 2 pink lines (or PPT) would happen so fast. No, I was not ready emotionally, but 3 months after our little angel left us, another baby was developing in my womb, ready or not.

Another boy and he is healthy.

I had talked to a few friends who have had miscarriages and they too say 6 months is the waiting period and one said 3 months.

What did your doctor say and did you listen?

Peace Love and Hugs from Above

Diana  www.justacloudaway.com

 

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A friend of mine called a local scrapbook store asking to carry Just a Cloud Away Remembrance Kits on consignment, meaning, I would leave the kits in the store and only be paid when they were sold. He said no, I don’t want anything depressing in my store. Shit no, did he just say what I think he just said. I can tell you this, he is incredibly lucky that I was not the one making the call. So I will ponder what could have prompted such a dumb ass remark.

This scrapbook store owner:

  • must not carry memorial scrapbook products of any kind, they are just too sad
  • has not experienced baby loss himself because of his gender
  • has had no family member or friend experience miscarriage, stillbirth or any pregnancy loss (one out of four pregnancies ends in miscarriage and it is possible no one shared their loss with him because of his warm nature)
  • does not believe in Heaven and reuniting with our loved ones passed
  • no sense of hope or faith
  • is unaware of National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month, with October 15th the actual day
  • probably feels sending flowers as a sympathy gift is safe and avoids the issue and does not condone expressing ones grief and memorializing a life is of any importance

So I may have taken his response somewhat personal and he may have a very good reason for not wanting to carry remembrance kits for babies.

2 local scrapbook stores kindly carrying Just a Cloud Away Remembrance Kits for pregnancy and infant loss are:

I cannot take these responses to heart, which is a difficult task for me. I take great offense to individuals or companies who have an opportunity to carry a product specifically for baby loss, who currently have none available for bereaved families.

We all have unique passions after our angels pass and this is one of mine. Sometimes I feel that it is us against them. It is not healthy and I would love for our grief not to be silent anymore.

 

Peace Love and Hugs from Above  www.justacloudaway.com

Diana

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For the past month processing information and retaining verbal communication has been a constant battle. My head is spinning and to move forward with daily tasks is a great challenge. This condition is now interfering with my work.

I just thought the work load on my plate was maybe overloaded. But this condition has been constant for a month. I have scheduled a doctor’s appointment today because I cannot go on like this. I have to take several small breaks to just sit and hold my head and think of nothing. It seems like the smallest tasks create an overwhelming and panicked feeling in my brain. I am not able to blog because I am easily distracted and loose my concentration.

I hope the doctor gives me a prescription to get me back on track to think straight again. I am a multi-tasker and needs that capability again. I have to be able to go in ten different directions and feel confident in doing so. This condition is disabling and makes me feel useless.

Peace Love and Hugs from Above  www.justacloudaway.com

Diana

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Your baby is in a better place. It was God’s will. Heaven has another angel. You are still young, you can have another. There was probably something wrong with it, you wouldn’t want a handicap child. Everything happens for a reason.

The last statement is a big one many bereaved parents of pregnancy and infant loss struggle with. Honestly, I did believe that before our son Tanner was stillborn, but I don’t anymore. Does God allow other children to be neglected, abused, raped or murdered at the hands of another because there is a very important reason? I believe God knows the pain and grief we will endure after these horrendous acts, but does not intentionally inflict this upon us. This is not Heaven and we will suffer here. It is how we deal with the grief that allows us to walk in the sunshine again.

After the death of my son, someone offered me their insight. “Diana, I think babies have a choice before they are born if they would like to stay here with us or with God,” they said. I was in shock and the statement didn’t register with me until weeks later when I was sober again. They meant well, but how could that statement offer me comfort? I wanted peace, comfort and my stillborn baby back. Then I wondered why Tanner wouldn’t want to stay here with me. I know I had faults but I would love him with all my heart. I started to second guess myself.

At the time of Tanner’s death, I had several landscape jobs in the works. It was a few months after Tanner’s passing when I needed to collect payment from a client. She asked me to come in and her 9 month old was crawling around on the floor. I could look at babies, but it was still painful inside. My client then asked me to watch him while she went upstairs to get the check book. This was the same women who attended Tanner’s memorial service and left early because it was so painful. Was she thinking about how painful watching her living baby was for me.

I was obsessed with Heaven and seeing Tanner again, asking all my friends of different religious denominations of their beliefs of the afterlife. My girlfriend stated that we won’t be able to recognize family members, but we will know them. How scary that was for me to hear. I love her dearly, but there was no comfort from that statement.

If you are a bereaved parent and have additional comments that could educate supporting family and friends on statements best kept unsaid, please do below.

Please be considerate and tender during this fragile time. Here are some ideas for you to help your bereaved friends in their time of grief.

Peace Love and Hugs from Above  www.justacloudaway.com

Diana

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Some time after the stillbirth of our son Tanner, we were invited to a Pro-Life ministry meeting. The members of this group specifically asked us, knowing we had suffered a loss. I suppose they were curious about obtaining a different perspective on the issue. My husband and I went to the meeting with some anxiety, not knowing what to expect, for my life is touched by abortion.

I was approximately 7 months pregnant with a subsequent child, another little boy.  We were kindly greeted and shown to a couple of chairs around a boardroom type table. The issues were very political and did not appeal to the right side of my brain. I felt my thoughts drifting and could not focus. My husband and I did not contribute one word until they discussed where the year end party would be held.

As the meeting came to a close, a friendly woman approached us introducing herself. She happened to be a deacon’s wife. That title meant she was a good woman with good morals and probably knew how to speak kindly to others.

The deacon’s wife said she was sorry about the loss of our baby. I said thank you. She then looked at my pregnant belly and asked how far along I was and what the sex of the baby was. I told her it was another little boy. She then says with a grand smile on her face, “So this is your first baby?”. Did I hear what I think I heard coming from a deacon’s mouth? I just told her that we had a stillborn baby. I didn’t hesitate to make her feel as uncomfortable as possible for that appalling statement. Am I in a Pro-Life meeting? Doesn’t the meaning of Pro-Life recognize and acknowledge every little embryo as a precious life? Not only did I have a precious embryo, I held mine, took pictures of him and had him cremated.

I don’t think there was 1 minute of silence on the drive home from this abominable meeting. Granted she meant no harm, but considering her position it was a very inappropriate statement that warrants a post on my blog.

Online Pregnancy and Infant Loss Support sites have compiled long lists of ridiculous comments, statements and advice from those that haven’t a clue. Most are excusable because we don’t want anyone we love to know exactly how much it hurts to loose a baby.

Please don’t mimimize our deceased children or us as parents of angels. The love lasts for eternity.

We never attended the year end party or another Pro-Life meeting.

Peace Love and Hugs from Above  www.justacloudaway.com

Diana

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Big Mistake!

When we found out I was pregnant and going to have our first baby, searching for a female OBGYN was my mission. I was nervous and scared about the months ahead of this new experience. A female doctor was going to put my mind at ease and she would make everything comfortable for us. Wrong!

I found Doctor Insensitive in a practice with 5 other male doctors. I made my first appointment when I was 6 weeks pregnant and could not wait to meet this woman. We chit chatted a bit and because we shared northern accents, found that she attended the college from my hometown of Buffalo, NY. GREAT! We had an immediate bond and from then on I knew she would take great care of me.

When she began speaking to me about my pregnancy, the words sounded like a recording. She kept talking about how things were going to work and what I needed to do. I then had a question regarding something she said, so I asked the question. She just glared at me and said, “Let me finish”. I knew then I was just a number and the bond I thought we had was long gone.

My follow up visits were with the 5 other doctors within the practice, so I was under the impression that Doctor Insensitive may not deliver my baby anyway. I felt so alone. At one appointment another doctor  indicated to me that he was tired and had been up all night with one of his young sons. He then told me, “Just wait, you will feel the same way when your baby comes”. First off, I think it is very unprofessional to disclose your sleep deprivation and to a new mother or anyone. Second, I never had the chance to be deprived of  sleep because Tanner was born still. I think he was fired a few months later.

Doctor Insensitive did not deliver my baby nor any other person. Tanner was born still when he was ready to come. I had a wonderful nurse and the doctor on call was amazing too. I had met him previously at a routine appointment when I was covered with poison ivy. He was very concerned about how I was still working outside in the hot sun in areas infested with poison ivy and other things. So I liked him already.

After the tragic event of loosing Tanner at the hospital we returned home to silence. A few days later we received 3 red roses in a vase with a card from the doctors expressing their sympathy. Obviously the receptionist signed for all of the doctors because the signatures were identical. I never once received a phone call from Doctor Insensitive, my primary OBGYN. I thought that was really crappy business etiquette.

My point being, word of mouth referrals are the best. Unfortunately, all of my friends were pregnant at the same time and hadn’t gone through the entire process with their own doctors yet.

Years later surfing the Internet I ran across several forums where mommies to be would talk about local issues, including selecting OBGYN’s. The forum for my area is TriadMommies.

Not all women are nurturing.

Peace Love and Hugs from Above  www.justacloudaway.com

Diana

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