Last night was absolutely horrible. Called the doctor, unfortunately he wasn’t on call and I talked (or cussed) at another. Cried, didn’t want to be around anyone, wanted to talk to someone, lastly, took 3 xanex to pass out and numb “it”.
Mind racing and tired thinking about teenage years. Found a good article to spot bipolar disorder in your teenager. Never thought I would see age 19 as a young teenager. Tried to commit suicide by swallowing aspirin (many), but didn’t work or maybe I didn’t really want it to work. Another try was with a friend driving after an event with a physically abusive boyfriend. I was so devastated at my life and my choices, I just wanted to die. My friend, who was at the wheel stomped on the gas and we were at high-speed and he yelled, “Do you really want to die?” I did not want him to die, so I told him no and I don’t think I was ready myself.
Another serious thought about suicide was after a DUI ticket, the end of a relationship, graduation from college and completely unsure of what to do next or what I could do next.
Teenage years were full of confusion and dealing with my shyness. I made compulsive choices during this time and actually all through my life. I remember riding the bus home and eating tons of chocolate and other kids saying, “How do you stay skinny eating all of that?” My hair changed color on a weekly basis and I would not hesitate to cut it into various styles. Later in life I actually shaved my head bald.
Teenage years I had a serious issue with rules and authority (from anyone). I would feel somehow imprisoned and trapped. Later on this led to job problems. My only solution was retiring to my bedroom and slamming the door or exploding with such passion I would see white.