At this point in the grieving process I was in “SHOCK”. They tell me my baby had died, but I need proof. Even though with my own 2 eyes I saw no movement on the sonogram screen, I had an ounce of hope. It is possible that the machine was malfunctioning. State of shock means; in space, cannot focus, numb, not many tears, and cannot feel physical pain. Was this only the first stage of many that we must go through?
I did not talk much and neither did my husband. I know people had asked if they could get me something or anything. There wasn’t one thing I wanted more than to see my sweet baby dead or alive. I wanted to hold him and I was ready. I was certainly scared but ready.
When I was in shock it felt much like a dream. I had the similar feeling when I received the phone call that my friend had been shot and murdered. He was just at my house 2 weeks ago for dinner. I had to see my friend and my son in order to process the information. I have always been a very visual person anyway. When it comes to the death of a loved one I am sure many feel the way I did. I live several miles away from my immediate and extended family and when someone passes and I cannot make the funeral, it is very difficult for me to remember they have died.
Nurse Tara continually pressed the button releasing morphine. I didn’t feel anything anyway. But as the hours dragged by I did think about the pain my parents were feeling 700 miles away. I know they were suffering. Several years ago my husband accidentally severed his finger off with the table saw. After bringing him to the doctor I frantically called my parents to help me figure out how to disassemble the saw to retrieve his finger. My mother later told me she walked down the stairs and my father was crying because he was unable to physically help me. I could only imagine the grief in their hearts with this news.
There is a definate correlation between shock and processing a visual fact. This connection may be more difficult for those suffering early pregnancy loss, miscarriage, ectopic or molar pregnancies. The silent grief, as they call it. What visual is being processed here? A picture of a motionless sonogram screen, another pregnancy test without showing 2 pink lines, a mass of bloody tissue, or a doctor’s chart labeled “fetal demise”.
The Birth of my Stillborn Baby-Part 1
The Birth of my Stillborn Baby-Part 9
Peace Love and Hugs from Above www.justacloudaway.com
Diana
As I read these testimones my heart breaks in two. I am 25 years old, March 31st 2008 I found out out my son had died. I was 32 weeks pregnant.
I was so lost, so confuse how could this be my health was perfect. I was a mother of two healthy daughters. My son Jamar was growing perfect.
I remember that weekend i felt no movement but all i keep saying was he must be too fat to move around. But when Sunday came I felt nothing at all. I knew something was wrong. That monday I went to see my doctor he hooked me up to the monitor, my heart stoped, I can picture his face when i close my eyes when he turned to me and said those four words, I am so sorry.
I heard him but I went numb, It took me about five minutes before i realized my son was gone. MY heart felt like it was spiliting in two I can just remember tears flooding my eyes. , the hardest thing I had to ever do was to tell my girls their brother was not coming home. I was induced the next day within 7 hours he was here. I was so afraid, but then at the same time I was ready, ready to hold him and say goodbye. I wish so many times I had spent more time with him, held him longer kissed his perfect little face. Some people say to me your young try again, but those who has not experienced this lost dosent realize how hard that is, apart of you has died, a empty spot in your heart will always be. The hardest thing is not knowing, all of my baby’s results show no reason why he died. So how can someone say try again, when I have no clue why he is gone today.
Your story breaks my heart. My thoughts and prayers go out to you and your family. My sister is at the hospital delivering a still born baby right now. It’s such a nightmare, she also has a healthy daughter, is a healthy person, and had no complications with her pregnancy. So it was a huge shock. She just happens to be a neonatal nurse, so going back to work is probably going to be hard for her also. I was just looking for some advice… She really just wants to be alone, I know she needs to grieve. Is there anything I can do for her? I feel completely helpless.
Dearest April,
I am so sorry for the pain you and your family are going through right now.
Everyone grieves differently, but if your sister is OK with this, take as many pictures of her baby as possible. Photograph her and her husbands hands holding the baby, the picture of the room, photograph the sky, the view from the window, take a lock of hair, change the baby’s diaper, bathe the baby too if she is comfortable.
My son was placed in the morgue for 2 days until my parents could fly into town. The hospital reserved a waiting room for all of us to be with TAnner as long as we wanted. Ask your sister if other family members can hold her baby and take photographs. Make sure hand and foot prints are taken.
Just love on that child as long as you wish, hospital staff should be accomodating to your needs.
My heart goes out to you April
Peace Love and Hugs from Above
Diana
Tasha,
Those words, “I am so sorry” are very haunting for us.
My sweet little cousin’s baby was also stillborn. Their situation was similar in that there was no apparent reason for her baby’s death. Tanner was definately the cord.
I hope you do have strong faith and believe that even though we do not know why, we do know they are together, happy and healthy ,waiting for us.
I wish you Peace Love and Hugs from Above Tasha,
Diana