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Archive for June, 2008

Nurse Tara asked me when I would like to start pushing because I was now fully dilated. She was so kind and showed such compassion that I was able to choose the approximate time Tanner would be a stillborn angel. This was about 2 in the afternoon and I don’t know why I said 3pm, but that is the time I chose.

All of the medication made me sick and I had to vomit. It came fast and hard. The small kidney shaped bowl is what my husband reached for but I kept pointing to the garbage can saying “bigger”. Nurse Tara was quick to understand and got the can to my mouth before it came.

Nurse Tara went to telephone the Doctor about the 3 o’clock labor time. The hour went by slow and my heart was beating so fast. I wanted him here, yet I did not know what a dead baby would look like. Within this hour I did ask Nurse Tara what will we see when Tanner is born. She said that the lack of oxygen might have turned his coloration pale and his lips could be crimson in color. The skin will be very fragile and may have torn in some places depending on how long ago Tanner died. This information was also provided in the literature she gave me earlier in the day. My husband and I agreed to have Nurse Tara take Tanner away when born to clean him and prepare us for what we might see.

2:45pm and Nurse Tara wanted to check my cervix again before the doctor arrived. She asked my family to leave except for my husband and mother-in-law. My mother-in-law and I are very close and she asked me if I wanted her to stay since my own mother could not be there. I was so glad she offered.

My father-in-law, girlfriend and husband’s aunt and uncle said goodbye. They kissed and hugged us like it was the last.

When Nurse Tara pulled up my gown to check on progress, looked at me, tilted her head and said “Tanner is here”.

The Birth of My Stillborn Baby-Part 1

The Birth of My Stillborn Baby-Part 10

Peace Love and Hugs from Above  www.justacloudaway.com

Diana

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I so love my girlfriends with all of my heart. I am so appreciative for how they supported me when my son Tanner was stillborn. 80% of my friends were either pregnant or just had their babies at the time of Tanner’s death. Doesn’t it seem to always work out that way.

One of my friends actually came to the hospital the day after Tanner passed wearing a bright yellow t-shirt carrying in a dozen yellow roses just for me. Those roses were the only thing I carried away from the hospital. She helped me to the bathroom and we laughed at my butt just hanging out of the loose fitting garments they so kindly provided. I don’t remember any tears at this point, maybe I was still in shock as well as my girlfriend.

I want to share this beautiful poem she wrote for my husband and me of hope and faith. My friend’s mother also had a son that died and he was my girlfriend’s older brother she never had the opportunity to meet. You never know how many people are touched by pregnancy and infant death until it happens to you.

This poem was also read at my son’s memory garden dedication.

If He Could Tell You…..

I’m sure if he could tell you, “Thank You,” he would. I’m sure he would want you to know that he loved being a part of your lives even though brief. He remembers the belly rubs, soothing sounds of your voices, and the adrenalin of wanting him so badly.

I’m sure if he could, he’d tell you..he’s with you forever. He will remember you both in his own angelic way, watching over you, holding onto your souls with his little hands and never releasing. He’s all around you, touching your thoughts and hugging your memories. He smiles and laughs to comfort you each day you feel sad. He’s happy for your strength and needs your hope to help him fly.

I’m sure if he could tell you, “Thank You,” he would, For all the powerful love, for remembering him, for holding him when he was born and missing him when he became your angel. He knows he is your combined, manifested pure love and he is your hope.

He’s the light in your window, he’s the hope in your heart, he’s the baby angel that throws the first snowflake upon your face- his kiss to Mommy and Daddy. Just know that the smiles on your faces help him get through his day, too, and he knows you love him, knows you miss him, and wants you to know that he’s watching over you both. If he could tell you..I know he would.

12-16-03 Melanie Johnson Isayev
A good friend of Diana

Peace Love and Hugs from Above

Diana  www.justacloudaway.com

 

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At this point in the grieving process I was  in “SHOCK”. They tell me my baby had died, but I need proof. Even though with my own 2 eyes I saw no movement on the sonogram screen, I had an ounce of hope. It is possible that the machine was malfunctioning. State of shock means; in space, cannot focus, numb, not many tears, and cannot feel physical pain. Was this only the first stage of many that we must go through?

I did not talk much and neither did my husband. I know people had asked if they could get me something or anything. There wasn’t one thing I wanted more than to see my sweet baby dead or alive. I wanted to hold him and I was ready. I was certainly scared but ready.

When I was in shock it felt much like a dream. I had the similar feeling when I received the phone call that my friend had been shot and murdered. He was just at my house 2 weeks ago for dinner. I had to see my friend and my son in order to process the information. I have always been a very visual person anyway. When it comes to the death of a loved one I am sure many feel the way I did. I live several miles away from my immediate and extended family and when someone passes and I cannot make the funeral, it is very difficult for me to remember they have died.

Nurse Tara continually pressed the button releasing morphine. I didn’t feel anything anyway. But as the hours dragged by I did think about the pain my parents were feeling 700 miles away. I know they were suffering. Several years ago my husband accidentally severed his finger off with the table saw. After bringing him to the doctor I frantically called my parents to help me figure out how to disassemble the saw to retrieve his finger. My mother later told me she walked down the stairs and my father was crying because he was unable to physically help me. I could only imagine the grief in their hearts with this news.

There is a definate correlation between shock and processing a visual fact. This connection may be more difficult for those suffering early pregnancy loss, miscarriage, ectopic or molar pregnancies. The silent grief, as they call it. What visual is being processed here? A picture of a motionless sonogram screen, another pregnancy test without showing 2 pink lines, a mass of bloody tissue, or a doctor’s chart labeled “fetal demise”.

The Birth of my Stillborn Baby-Part 1

The Birth of my Stillborn Baby-Part 9

Peace Love and Hugs from Above  www.justacloudaway.com

Diana

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Angel Jars can be created as memorials for our babies in heaven. This is a simple craft to hold all of the Angel Pennies our sweet children leave us on the streets, sidewalks, doorsteps and other places. Living siblings, cousins or friends can also help create Angel Jars. This craft project may give younger children an outlet to express their love and their grief by creating a memory keepsake.

Here is a list of possible craft supplies you will need:

  • A glass jar with lid
  • Colored paper, stickers, and magazine pictures
  • Elmers glue (dries clear)
  • Paint brush
  • White spray paint
  • Glitter
  • Decoupage
  • Dried flowers
  • A button
  • Cotton balls
  • Needle and thread
  • Hot glue gun
  • Ribbon and cording
  • Piece of cardboard
  • Small piece of fabric

First, select a glass container you would like to use as your Angel Jar. I am using an instant coffee jar.

Next, tear the colored paperand magazine pictures you have selected and adhere with elmer’s glue to the jar making sure to overlap.

I used green and yellow colored craft paper and pictures of flowers from a calendar. Paint on the glue to adhere your dried flowers. The blooms can be gathered from your child’s memory garden or even wildflowers on the side of roads. The smaller the better for this size project. Foliage is also used.

Butterfly stickers were placed onto the torn colored paper.

Don’t worry if the flowers are sticking out a bit, the decoupage solution will seal them in later steps. I wanted to mute and soften the intense colors of the flowers so I used white spray paint. Hold the jar 2 feet away and gently shower the jar with the spray paint. It gives the Angel Jar a cloudy look.

Let the jar dry completely. Now begin designing the lid. Place the lid upside down onto a piece of cardboard and trace. I used a shoe box. 

Cut out the circle and make sure to cut a little smaller to properly fit on your lid. Poke a small hole in the center for a needle and thread later on.

Gather your cotton balls on top and you may hot glue them, but it isn’t needed.

Cut your piece of material a bit larger than your circle. I have selected my grandmothers handkerchief because I just love the delicate fabric and the fact I am able to use them in crafts. Hot glue the fabric at one point and make sure it dries before moving on so you can pull it tight.

Pull tight and glue the next point directly across from the first. Keep moving around until the fabric is all secured.

You will not see this part, so do not worry about how it looks. Place the button you have chosen in the middle and sew into place. I made only one trip through with the thread and hot glued into place on the ugly side. Take your cording, ribbon or rope and glue onto the lid. This will hide any imperfections. I also glued a pink ribbon onto the lid under the cording.

When your Angel Jar is completely dry it is time for glitter and decoupage. I used my paint brush to gently apply the decoupage. This substance will seal your Angel Jar and protect the dried flowers. While still wet, white glitter was applied to the jar.

Because I have many memorial keepsakes for Tanner, I have wrapped one of his necklaces around the lid. It is a charm of a little boy with his gemstone, sapphire.

Angel Jars for Angel Pennies is another way we can create awareness of pregnancy and infant loss and remember our children. They are still a part of our families, even in their absence. Donate your angel pennies to your favorite charity on October 15th ( pregnancy and infant loss awareness day) or your child’s angelversary.

There are many different ways to create Angel Jars. Tear family photographs, gemstone colored papers, family fingerprints, sentimental pictures, pictures of the season your angel passed and others.

Peace Love and Hugs from Above  www.justacloudaway.com

Diana

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Dear Friends & Family:Haven of Hope & Healing is having “A RIDE TO REMEMBER” Family fun day on
Saturday, June 28 at 10 am. We hope you will join us and give your support
of this special event that will raise funds for our non-profit organization.

Here are the details:

This fun-filled event will take place outdoors at Historic Providence Church
in Graham, NC, in the parking lot, which will be closed off and secured for
safety.

The morning’s events will begin with “A RIDE TO REMEMBER” ride-a-thon.
Children of all ages are asked to ride their bicycles, tricycles, scooters,
etc. in a designated track area. Prior to the ride-a-thon, ask all your
family, friends, neighbors, acquaintances, etc. to donate money to sponsor
your child (or children) to ride. Every child that raises a minimum of $25
will receive a cool “ride-a-thon” t-shirt. We have created a standard form
that you can send to your family and friends to help you collect your
donations.

After the ride-a-thon, the bounce house and games, face painting booths, and
other fun stuff will open. Snow cones, cotton candy, and various treats will
be served. Tickets for all the activities will be available and there will
be awesome giveaways from the Little Gym, The Mad Platter, several kid
friendly restaurants and recreation centers, children’s clothing stores, and
LOTS more!

What is so wonderful about this event is that all contributions are TAX
DEDUCTIBLE. Will you please join us in our efforts? We would greatly
appreciate your support!!!

Sincerely,

The Founders and Board of Directors of Haven of Hope & Healing, Inc.

 

If you are local in this area of North Carolina, please consider attending this event to raise awareness of pregnancy and infant loss. This sounds like a wonderful tribute for babies that left families too soon.

This is the same wonderful support group that helped me through difficult times after loosing Tanner to stillbirth.

Peace Love and Hugs from Above  www.justacloudaway.com

Diana

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My dizziness has subsided and I am able to remember and multi-task again because of Lexapro. I told my doctor that I wasn’t crazy about paying 70 dollars a month (there is no generic substitue) so he prescribed Citalopram. This is about 9 dollars and gentler on the pocket book. He did suggest that it may cause more sedation. I will try it out.

My doctor also suggested cognitive behavior therapy sessions and gave me a list of local resources. Although my physical symptoms of anxiety disorder have subsided I still feel rather panicky. This has been my normal for a very long time and I am guessing therapy may be healing for me.

When I was pregnant with my son Tanner, who was stillborn, I had no fear and felt very calm. 5 months prior to his death my first cousin and wife gave birth to their first daughter who was also stillborn. I truly did not think Tanner would be born still because we already had an angel born in the extended family. There was another tramatic event with my other cousin’s baby and I thought it was my turn, but not to have another angel. I expressed to my husband that Tanner may have Downs Syndrome and I was mentally preparing for that. This is a symptom of anxiety disorder, to be thinking the worst without even having the hard facts.

When I hear a goat yelling in our pasture I immediately think the worst. Are they stuck in the fence, are they being attacked by vultures, or have broken their leg. My heart starts beating rapidly and the sweat drips from my hands as I run to help them.

I have always told my husband that I will die first of cancer. He thinks I am nuts as well as the rest of the family. So I am striving to get life in some kind of order for him before I go.

I want to have a bit more mental peace at some point in my life.

Peace Love and Hugs from Above

Diana www.justacloudaway.com

 

 

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We never truly know how our partner will react when a baby or pregnancy has come to an end. Most likely our husbands will grieve and display sorrow in a different manner.

After the stillbirth of our son Tanner, my husband felt the need to fix things by using his hands. He built beautiful stone benches, a pergola and hung a swing in Tanner’s memory gardens.

Since men and women grieve differently, it is important to allow husbands to express their pain in a way that is comfortable for them. Not only was my husband grieving when Tanner died, my father and father-in -law were also suffering deeply. My father lives 700 hundred miles away and wanted to help in any way that he could be using his hands. He also assisted in the construction of the pergola that serves as the entrance to one of Tanner’s memory gardens.

Men feel the need to make things right by using their hands. Participating in the construction of a memorial for their deceased child may help them walk the road of grief with more direction. Building a keepsake memorializing a deceased child may give men a sense of accomplishment and purpose. I know that my husband also wanted to make me feel better and cushion the pain I was feeling. He built a beautiful shadowbox to hold all of Tanner’s memories for me.

There are so many memorial keepsakes men can make with their own 2 hands. My husband also created a name plaque for Tanner’s memory garden.

If you live in an apartment or do not have the space for a memory garden, talk to your husband about creating one at your church.

Please share the memorials your husbands have created honoring your precious children in heaven.

Peace Love and Hugs from Above  www.justacloudaway.com

Diana

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