The green satin memory box was filled with “things” I could touch while waiting for my Tanner to quietly be born. Nurse Tara brought this small box to me when I asked her what I should be doing while waiting. A booklet filled with support groups for pregnancy loss, options for Tanner’s body, a personal story of a couple’s journey having a stillborn baby and other information otherwise never thought of was to keep me occupied for hours. This was top secret information the nurses had hidden in the supply closets, only to be seen by bereaved families of dead babies.
I like to have my days planned out and needed to know what my next steps were going to be. I don’t like surprises and this was the ultimate surprise of my life.
Our room was very quiet and I don’t remember hearing any noise in the halls. I could really focus on the reality of what was happening, but didn’t. I found myself picking up the literature, reading a few minutes and then putting it on my lap to stare off into space. I never read anything in its entirety because my mind would easily wander and some other thought would distract me. This was my routine for the many hours of laying in that hospital bed.
The other items contained in the green satin memory box were generic keepsakes. I remember the 2 silver heart charms, an infant cap with a small piece of blue yarn tied to the top, a baby-sized tape measure and a very small comb. Was I supposed to use this comb on Tanner when he was born? Just like the reading material, I would look through the memory box and then set it on my lap, until I had the energy to look at it again. Over and over again, it was a very obsessive behavior completely out of my hands.
Peace Love and Hugs from Above www.justacloudaway.com
Diana
how are you 6 months later? august 21st i lost my baby girl at 40 weeks and 1 day. as i entered the labor stage (prior to going to the hospital), i felt her move for the last time around 3pm. then around 6pm we arrived to the hospital and they found no heartbeat. i had to give birth to her and unfortunately the epidural did not work so i felt the entire thing. i felt the strong contractions due to the pitocin even with lots of morphine. 3:38 am, she was born. i just don’t even know how to feel. i have been so strong for so long now. we had a miscarriage at 6weeks in may 2007. i am now 32 and we are still hoping for our first baby. i have PCOS, so that doesnt make things any easier. i just dont know what to do. i want to get pregnant again right away if possible. i just dont think i can be happy for any pregnancy after this because this one was so perfect. she was perfect, i wasnt even sick at all. i just cant forget her. i miss her and i never even got to know her. i just want to know if u are doing well and if u are going to try again soon. please let me know you are doing okay and that you are at peace. thank you. jennifer
Dearest Jen,
I am so sorry for your losses and glad you found this site to tell your story. When you do get pregnant again, it will be different. It is different for all of us.
Right now your pain is real and please take a little time to reflect and heal your heart. I believe Our Divine gives us a big band-aid of love for the injuries to our lifeless hearts. These band-aids don’t fix our loneliness for our angels, but helps us to live again with the memories of our babies in Heaven.
It was Tanner’s 5th angelversary in Heaven yesterday, September 28, and I decided not to think in detail about the actual moment I found out he died. Instead, I looked around his memory garden at the beauty and how I will be with him again.
Jen, I wish you Peace Love and Hugs from Above
Diana
To all you parents who lost your stillborn……its been 12 yrs for me on the 26th of December when i lost my stillborn identical twin.I was so so hurt when i found out it was the hospital staff that caused it. I actually went in at 9:30 am on the 26th cause my water broke, they hook me up to oxygen cause they said that 1 of the babies was in destress…..well my living twin was 6lbs 7 oz , my stillborn was 4 lbs 5 oz…..still weighed enough to be living till the day. 1 in the afternoon they tried inducing labor with a medication which made it worse. This drug on all day finally come 4:30-5:00 dinner they cometook everything off of me told me they was taking me to a room to eat & chill as the words they put it. So on the way there ,going up the elevator I told the nurse that i should of never left my room & that someone will be coming back for me within the next 5min. …….Well I was right, they took me back down hooked me back up again ……still now no second heartbeat rate showing on the monitor ……there was some movement before all this (sad) . As the evening goes on they got out the portable ultrasound to check the heartbeats…….there was like 6 interns, 4 doctors, 3 nurses all in my room……. That was a sign somebody did something wrong I would say……She passed at 5 pm dinnertime when it was too late. I held her so tight & didnt want to give her to no one, but i did …shes my Angel in Heaven with Jesus now Jan
So Jen Im very sorry I got carried away but i know how you feel & you have such a wonderful site here. May all our Angels in Heaven sleep in peace as they are …..
I completely understand what you all went through and are feeling. Almost a year ago i lost my 1st baby my little precious sweet boy. I was 40 weeks and 3 days and woke up on March 13th 2008 with contractions and had a doctors appointment already setup for that morning to have a stress test done since i was past due and they were going to induce me the monday after my appointment if i hadn’t gone into labor. Went in with my contractions about 15 min apart and they hooked me up too the machines for my stress test. It took the nurse about 10 min to find the heartbeat and i was getting really nervous at that point it was taking her so long but she supposedly found it and i went through my test and then my typical internal exam by the doctor and they sent me on my merry way since my contractions were still very apart. That night i didn’t sleep one bit my contractions were still very there and i was pacing. Around 9:30 am March 14th i called the doctors and told them that my contractions were more severe and i just couldn’t take it anymore they told me to go ahead and come in and they did a test to see if my water had broken and it hadn’t and i was still only 1 1/2 centimeters dialated. Got dressed after that was all done and then they did an ultrasound where they found no heartbeat. When the doctor told me that i was screaming, blaming myself, and physically getting sick. I was in such shock that i went home and then decided to go back too the hospital and be fully induced and deliver my son. At the hospital i had my parents, in-laws, co-workers, friends, and other family there to support me. The hospital gave all my of friends and family the room next door for us and they were amazing and supportive and i couldn’f of asked for better care from the hospital. Was honestly disappointed in the doctor because not at one point did he say he was sorry or seem sympathetic at any time i was in the hospital. Had Matthew on a friday night at 9:59 pm and had him with me the whole time i was in the hospital and left Sunday mid morning. That was the hardest day of my life saying goodbye to my little angel. Its been almost a year now and i can speak about it to anyone and be ok. He will always be my little man shining down on me everyday and i’ll always be a mommy in my heart. You guys were very inspirational for me to write this all down because i haven’t been able to do so before now. Thank you ladies and god bless!
It has been 15 years today, Aug. 12th, since my sweet baby boy, Michael, was born still. I miss him more than anyone in my life knows. I was 19 at the time and looking forward to beginning my little family. Everything was fine up until then. I had gone to a doctors appointment for the stress test (37 weeks along) and that is when I found out God had taken him. It was and still is the hardest thing I have ever been through. I remember the delivery like it was yesterday and the things I begged my mom to do. I remember every little detail.
But each year is different for me. Some are harder than others. Today is rough and I need a friend. I found you all. I will say that because of Michael I now have a son, Dylan 12, and a daughter, Becca 9. With out the knowledge I gained from Micheal I would never have my babies now. So in a way I will always be grateful to Michael for blessing my life the way he did. I never knew what love was until him.
I can relate to all of you. My son Cassander died during birth on December 4th 2006. Four days prior to his death, the doctors told me that I had an in-utery infection.
I am allergic to antibiotics (lethal) and I have a little girl that needs her mom and I had her through and emergency c-section due to a rigid cervix which would not open under no circumstances.
The doctors told me when I had terrible contractions, that the chance of the survival of my baby were slim (less then 1%). They told me four days before the worst night of my life, that I have to make a deciscion: have a c-section and die both (baby and I), delivery naturally and have a dead baby but perhaps survive on my own.
My husband was in the US while I was back in Austria. The only comment of my mother in law in Texa was: Ah, then my other grandson (died at age 10 in a carcrash) has a playmate.
My mother watched my little daughter while it took me four days in the hospital and finally 21 hours to give birth to Cassander. I was alone.
The infection had spread. The epidoral did not work, morphines did not work, four male nurses and my midwife held me down, when the doctor had to break the cervix manually open. I had no voice left. They did all to help me..and no hospital in the world could have helped me better.
Cassander had no chance and still suffer from the loss.
I have now a little Jonathan (God’s gift)..but the hole Cassander tore into my heart will never heal.
I recently lost my bundle of joy Jimmy Lee Jr. at 25 weeks pregnant on Oct 28. 2009. I went for a regular check up and they could not find a heart beat, he was just moving that day around 2:30pm and by 5pm there was no heart beat. I am at a lost for words. Everything was so normal and going good, there were no signs. I had no sickness throughout the 25 weeks. I lost him due to the ambilical cord being twice as long as it should have been and then a knot formed in it. I miss him so much even though I only got to hold him for 30 minutes, he was wrapped like he came here alive. I want to try again but I am scared of another loss I feel I carried him too long to loose him like that. I am devasted, i cry and wonder why daily. But i have to look to God whom my strength comes from, its so hard not to question why. My doctor said I could try again after 6 weeks. Any suggestions
I miss him and I know he is now my Angel above. Mommy loves you baby J.