The green satin memory box was filled with “things” I could touch while waiting for my Tanner to quietly be born. Nurse Tara brought this small box to me when I asked her what I should be doing while waiting. A booklet filled with support groups for pregnancy loss, options for Tanner’s body, a personal story of a couple’s journey having a stillborn baby and other information otherwise never thought of was to keep me occupied for hours. This was top secret information the nurses had hidden in the supply closets, only to be seen by bereaved families of dead babies.
I like to have my days planned out and needed to know what my next steps were going to be. I don’t like surprises and this was the ultimate surprise of my life.
Our room was very quiet and I don’t remember hearing any noise in the halls. I could really focus on the reality of what was happening, but didn’t. I found myself picking up the literature, reading a few minutes and then putting it on my lap to stare off into space. I never read anything in its entirety because my mind would easily wander and some other thought would distract me. This was my routine for the many hours of laying in that hospital bed.
The other items contained in the green satin memory box were generic keepsakes. I remember the 2 silver heart charms, an infant cap with a small piece of blue yarn tied to the top, a baby-sized tape measure and a very small comb. Was I supposed to use this comb on Tanner when he was born? Just like the reading material, I would look through the memory box and then set it on my lap, until I had the energy to look at it again. Over and over again, it was a very obsessive behavior completely out of my hands.
Peace Love and Hugs from Above www.justacloudaway.com
Diana
how are you 6 months later? august 21st i lost my baby girl at 40 weeks and 1 day. as i entered the labor stage (prior to going to the hospital), i felt her move for the last time around 3pm. then around 6pm we arrived to the hospital and they found no heartbeat. i had to give birth to her and unfortunately the epidural did not work so i felt the entire thing. i felt the strong contractions due to the pitocin even with lots of morphine. 3:38 am, she was born. i just don’t even know how to feel. i have been so strong for so long now. we had a miscarriage at 6weeks in may 2007. i am now 32 and we are still hoping for our first baby. i have PCOS, so that doesnt make things any easier. i just dont know what to do. i want to get pregnant again right away if possible. i just dont think i can be happy for any pregnancy after this because this one was so perfect. she was perfect, i wasnt even sick at all. i just cant forget her. i miss her and i never even got to know her. i just want to know if u are doing well and if u are going to try again soon. please let me know you are doing okay and that you are at peace. thank you. jennifer
Dearest Jen,
I am so sorry for your losses and glad you found this site to tell your story. When you do get pregnant again, it will be different. It is different for all of us.
Right now your pain is real and please take a little time to reflect and heal your heart. I believe Our Divine gives us a big band-aid of love for the injuries to our lifeless hearts. These band-aids don’t fix our loneliness for our angels, but helps us to live again with the memories of our babies in Heaven.
It was Tanner’s 5th angelversary in Heaven yesterday, September 28, and I decided not to think in detail about the actual moment I found out he died. Instead, I looked around his memory garden at the beauty and how I will be with him again.
Jen, I wish you Peace Love and Hugs from Above
Diana
To all you parents who lost your stillborn……its been 12 yrs for me on the 26th of December when i lost my stillborn identical twin.I was so so hurt when i found out it was the hospital staff that caused it. I actually went in at 9:30 am on the 26th cause my water broke, they hook me up to oxygen cause they said that 1 of the babies was in destress…..well my living twin was 6lbs 7 oz , my stillborn was 4 lbs 5 oz…..still weighed enough to be living till the day. 1 in the afternoon they tried inducing labor with a medication which made it worse. This drug on all day finally come 4:30-5:00 dinner they cometook everything off of me told me they was taking me to a room to eat & chill as the words they put it. So on the way there ,going up the elevator I told the nurse that i should of never left my room & that someone will be coming back for me within the next 5min. …….Well I was right, they took me back down hooked me back up again ……still now no second heartbeat rate showing on the monitor ……there was some movement before all this (sad) . As the evening goes on they got out the portable ultrasound to check the heartbeats…….there was like 6 interns, 4 doctors, 3 nurses all in my room……. That was a sign somebody did something wrong I would say……She passed at 5 pm dinnertime when it was too late. I held her so tight & didnt want to give her to no one, but i did …shes my Angel in Heaven with Jesus now Jan
So Jen Im very sorry I got carried away but i know how you feel & you have such a wonderful site here. May all our Angels in Heaven sleep in peace as they are …..
I completely understand what you all went through and are feeling. Almost a year ago i lost my 1st baby my little precious sweet boy. I was 40 weeks and 3 days and woke up on March 13th 2008 with contractions and had a doctors appointment already setup for that morning to have a stress test done since i was past due and they were going to induce me the monday after my appointment if i hadn’t gone into labor. Went in with my contractions about 15 min apart and they hooked me up too the machines for my stress test. It took the nurse about 10 min to find the heartbeat and i was getting really nervous at that point it was taking her so long but she supposedly found it and i went through my test and then my typical internal exam by the doctor and they sent me on my merry way since my contractions were still very apart. That night i didn’t sleep one bit my contractions were still very there and i was pacing. Around 9:30 am March 14th i called the doctors and told them that my contractions were more severe and i just couldn’t take it anymore they told me to go ahead and come in and they did a test to see if my water had broken and it hadn’t and i was still only 1 1/2 centimeters dialated. Got dressed after that was all done and then they did an ultrasound where they found no heartbeat. When the doctor told me that i was screaming, blaming myself, and physically getting sick. I was in such shock that i went home and then decided to go back too the hospital and be fully induced and deliver my son. At the hospital i had my parents, in-laws, co-workers, friends, and other family there to support me. The hospital gave all my of friends and family the room next door for us and they were amazing and supportive and i couldn’f of asked for better care from the hospital. Was honestly disappointed in the doctor because not at one point did he say he was sorry or seem sympathetic at any time i was in the hospital. Had Matthew on a friday night at 9:59 pm and had him with me the whole time i was in the hospital and left Sunday mid morning. That was the hardest day of my life saying goodbye to my little angel. Its been almost a year now and i can speak about it to anyone and be ok. He will always be my little man shining down on me everyday and i’ll always be a mommy in my heart. You guys were very inspirational for me to write this all down because i haven’t been able to do so before now. Thank you ladies and god bless!
It has been 15 years today, Aug. 12th, since my sweet baby boy, Michael, was born still. I miss him more than anyone in my life knows. I was 19 at the time and looking forward to beginning my little family. Everything was fine up until then. I had gone to a doctors appointment for the stress test (37 weeks along) and that is when I found out God had taken him. It was and still is the hardest thing I have ever been through. I remember the delivery like it was yesterday and the things I begged my mom to do. I remember every little detail.
But each year is different for me. Some are harder than others. Today is rough and I need a friend. I found you all. I will say that because of Michael I now have a son, Dylan 12, and a daughter, Becca 9. With out the knowledge I gained from Micheal I would never have my babies now. So in a way I will always be grateful to Michael for blessing my life the way he did. I never knew what love was until him.
I can relate to all of you. My son Cassander died during birth on December 4th 2006. Four days prior to his death, the doctors told me that I had an in-utery infection.
I am allergic to antibiotics (lethal) and I have a little girl that needs her mom and I had her through and emergency c-section due to a rigid cervix which would not open under no circumstances.
The doctors told me when I had terrible contractions, that the chance of the survival of my baby were slim (less then 1%). They told me four days before the worst night of my life, that I have to make a deciscion: have a c-section and die both (baby and I), delivery naturally and have a dead baby but perhaps survive on my own.
My husband was in the US while I was back in Austria. The only comment of my mother in law in Texa was: Ah, then my other grandson (died at age 10 in a carcrash) has a playmate.
My mother watched my little daughter while it took me four days in the hospital and finally 21 hours to give birth to Cassander. I was alone.
The infection had spread. The epidoral did not work, morphines did not work, four male nurses and my midwife held me down, when the doctor had to break the cervix manually open. I had no voice left. They did all to help me..and no hospital in the world could have helped me better.
Cassander had no chance and still suffer from the loss.
I have now a little Jonathan (God’s gift)..but the hole Cassander tore into my heart will never heal.
I recently lost my bundle of joy Jimmy Lee Jr. at 25 weeks pregnant on Oct 28. 2009. I went for a regular check up and they could not find a heart beat, he was just moving that day around 2:30pm and by 5pm there was no heart beat. I am at a lost for words. Everything was so normal and going good, there were no signs. I had no sickness throughout the 25 weeks. I lost him due to the ambilical cord being twice as long as it should have been and then a knot formed in it. I miss him so much even though I only got to hold him for 30 minutes, he was wrapped like he came here alive. I want to try again but I am scared of another loss I feel I carried him too long to loose him like that. I am devasted, i cry and wonder why daily. But i have to look to God whom my strength comes from, its so hard not to question why. My doctor said I could try again after 6 weeks. Any suggestions
I miss him and I know he is now my Angel above. Mommy loves you baby J.
hi i lost a baby 6 weeks ago i was 29 weeks pregnant. The cord was wrapped around his neck. I’m so sad i’m almost 30 years old and this was my first baby.My little boy Kevin Dennis was delivered on November 20th. I was wondering if anyone could tell me if they think I can sue the doctor because I honestly feel it was her fault .2 days before I found out he had no heartbeat I went to the emergency room with severe abdominal pain and vomiting.The doctor did nothing to help me. She did a stress test and said the baby’s heartbeat was fine. She only kept me in the hospital for an hour and didn’t do a sonogram,bloodwork or urine tests.She told me that the sonogram wasn’t required because hhis heart was beating. She told me that the pain was caused by my body stretching from the baby. She sent me home in 1 hour and told me to take tylenol. Two days later he was dead. I know she couldv’e saved him. I felt him struggling inside of me and I just went home and slept the pain off. I was wondering if anyone else thinks I have a valid case against her or if I’m over reacting? I get the autopsy report tommorrow and all my medical records but I know he died after she sent me home because his heart was still beating when I went. I feel guilty that I didn’t make her do more and I feel like my son deserves justice. She was the same doctor that delivered him and when I went to give gifts to the nurses 2 weeks later they told me she hasn’t been back to the hospital since the day she delivered my son. Does anyone have any advice?
I thought about sueing my doc also,i was very ill and vomiting and i couldnt get ahold of any of my doctors. The ones on call werent answering my pages and the ones that were off werent answering the phones. so i just blew it off, and that was the day that she passed away. Im still after four years very mad at them. So i know your anger, if your honestly thing it was there fault then persue it, get doc info and and info about your babys health at the time of beath and anything else you can think of. I pray for you and hope that everything gets easier for you and your famliy!
I know how everyone feels. I lost my 1st baby at 20 weeks which was 1 week ago aht the age of 19. I went for a regular check up & to find ouht what I was having only for the doctor to tell me my baby had no heartbeat. I was devistated. I cried all the way to the hospital. I couldn’t believe it. Just weeks ago, the doctor told me and my babys father that our child was healthy and coming along great. I felt so helpless & hopeless. & to see the Look in my boyfriends eyes was even more heart breaking. But I Love my child. Im going to miss someone I never met or got to hold. I feel for you women. But we all have to remember God has a reason for everything he does.
I am so glad that I found your story. I am so glad that others have shared theirs. This sunday I gave birth to my 35 week old still born son. At 30 years old this was my first pregnancy and I was looking foward to a life time of joy. I feel so much pain and heart break. I thought that no one understood but I’m glad to see that you ladies do.
I would really like to speak with you. I think it would help alot! I had a stillborn April 2, 2008. His name was Charles
Just this morning while driving to work, I received a call
and was advised that my god-son had been delivered at 10lbs 4oz, but that he was stillborn. I was devestated. It’s hard for family and friends to cope with such losses, I can only imagine what it’s like for a mother to loose a child she’s carried for this long. All of the ladies who have commented have amazing stories and an amazing strength that I can’t help but admire. God Bless!
Thanks ladies for tell all this stories i to loss a child on february 22 ,2009 i was 4 month when i was getting sick went to the er and they told me i had uti and gave me pills and didnt check me r ask me if i was pregnant r not hours pass and i was send hm and when i got hm i was bleeding a we went back and this time they gave me a sonogram and told me my baby was coming out and this was my boyfriend 1baby he was crying so i blame da er for my baby death
It will be four years in may that i lost my daughter olivia marie, i was 25 weeks pregnant. My pragnancy was complicated because i didnt know i was pregnant til about 16 weeks becuse of my period. I never had my period through high school so i didnt think that i was pregnant. When i found out i was devastated, i had no place to live and i was just a teen. They put me on bed rest and weekly monitoring. I knew somthing was wrong two days before when i got horribly sick, but i couldnt get ahold of any of the doctors, so i just blew it off. On may 25th i had a doc appointment with my high risk doctor and he said there was no heartbeat, i became very sick. My boyfriend(not the dad of olivia) stayed with me the whole time. Even got a hotel room for my mom and anyone else that wanted to get a shower or nap. The next day after i delieverd i had the worst time leaving the hospital, i didnt want to leave, it was like i was leaving her. After almost four years it has gotten easier but i still think about her everyday. She is placed with my great grandma and grandpa, i have not been able to get a plaqe for her, but im hoping i can soon. But i am happy to say that anthony and i have a wonderful daughter named aidan, she is beatiful and i always wonder if olivia sent her for us.
I just want to say to all of you brave and wonderful women, I have has several early miscarriages in the last 12 years. I was 10 weeks pregnant with the only one I knew prior to the miscarriages all the others i found out I was pregnant after the miscarriage had started. While these were hard and sad, they were fast and understandable because I have PCOS and didn’t know it yet. I found out I was pregnant 12/23/2004 ND i THOUGHT HERE WE GO AGAIN, BUT LUCKILY I HAD A GREAT DOCTOR AND 08/16/2005 i HAD A HEALTHY BABY BOY 8LBS 15OZ Richard James. I worried at every appt that his heart would not be beating. I can’t imagine what you brave women went through and are still going through. I just want you to know what an inspiration you all are to women who have had pregnancy loss, I thought it was selfish to grieve mine because they were early but you ladies have taught me that it is ok to feel. I am actually sitting here typing with tears rolling down my face for the first time and these losses were 10 years ago. Thank you so much, I know your babies are looking down at you and smiling because they are so proud of there mamas!
I know how everyone must feel, i lost my GORGEOUS son on the 29th April 2011, my little man was born sleeping, my waters broke and was having a constant contraction it was aggoniseing, my BF rang a ambulance, when they arrived i told them that my son’s head had delivered but they ignored me, even in A&E i had to scream the place down so they would cheak me over, once they relised my son’s head was out they rushed me to a side room for me to deliver my baby, it was silent in the room, and i had to screem for the doctor to tell me if my baby was dead or alive, and all he could do was cry and say he was sorry! .. i have never felt so much pain and sadness as i did that day and still the same pain now, i cry all the time, i dont want to move out the house and i dont want to see anyone, i feel like my heart has been ripped out and stamped on, i know i need to be strong for my daughter but it is hard to be strong people tell me it will get easier with time, i just cnt see that happening … i LOVE my son with all my heart and i wish i could have him back, Mummy loves you little man you will always be in mummy and daddys heart sweetie sleep tight my precious angel xxxxx
I lost my baby at 37 1/2 weeks on Memorial Day 2010. It was a crazy weekend for me. I got robbed at my bank 2 days before. Who knows if it was from the robbery but 2 days before the robbery everything looked good at my appt. It was the year anniversery a few weeks ago and I was ok until I started to read my blog and saw that I had posted the day of. I was so excited to meet her.
My story sounds similiar to yours except when I first went in I was with my mom because my husband stayed home with my son. So my mom had to call him and tell him. Then he came rushing over, but I can’t imagine that feeling. I did not want anyone else to know until she was born. I just hadn’t thought any of it through.
Thank you for your thoughts.
I lost my baby April, 2011. My pregnancy was fine until I reached a little over 20 weeks when I started bleeding due to a blood clot just under my placenta. At almost 22 weeks, the bleeding caused me to have an abruption and forcing me to go into labor. My baby was perfect. She was alive until they had to cut the ambilical cord. Why did my precious child have to be taken from me ? She was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen, and I never thought I could love anything quite so much. It breaks my heart that my baby girl had to be forced from my body, far to early to be given a chance to survive. It’s hurts so badly knowing that she did not get to live the loving life that she deserves. The only strength I have comes from my faith, and knowing that my daughter is in a wonderful place, being held in the arms of God. She was my first pregnancy, and I miss her so much, and I very much anticipated her birth and getting to be her mommy. I would really like to talk with someone who is in the same situation as me. It helps a little just knowing that you are not completely alone.
I went into the ER on a Sunday because I hadn’t felt my baby move in 2 -3 hours. My pregnancy was normal throughout. My last dr appt was that Wednesday and baby was healthy and doing great. My experience was similar. One nurse turned into 3 nurses looking for a heartbeat and I knew from the bottom of my heart that my baby was not living. An ultrasound confirmed. I was alone at the time and the main person I needed and wanted most was my mother. I was 37.5 weeks. I cried felt numb. I was being induced. For 2days I watched tv sometimes forgetting why I was even at the hospital until a nurse came in and letting me know that I should be thinking about the important decisions I should make before she was delivered. I hated having to think. That Tuesday after pushing for 30 minutes my angel baby was born sleeping at 2:18pm. I love her and miss her so much. Mommy loves you adrienne. At this time I know that I am loved. I have the most amazing support team. friends, family, coworkers were great. I know it takes time to heal. She was my first and I love her.
I know how all of u feel. I delivered my son Skylar Gauge Davis October 14th at 929 am. On October 10th i went for my 37.5 week appt. I told the nurse he wasnt moving alot so they hooked me up on the non stress test machine and started making me drink ice water and eat gummy bears to get him to move. STILL no movement after 45 minutes just signs of me moving but his heartbeat was 138 the whole time. The nurse came in and said he had moved i argued and told her it was me moving she lied to the dr and he sent me home. The next day still i didnt feel him move went back they did a ultrasound and no heartbeat. I was sent to the labor and delivery where i delivered my sleeping babyboy. He died from the cord wrapped around his neck. I MISS HIM SO MUCH. He is buried by my grandpa we buried him october 16th. I love u Sklyar and u watch over your loved ones.
me too, I was 38 weeks w/ twins was told i had “low amnio fluid” sent home and told to come back in 5 days. One of my sons was gone cord was around his neck and low amnio fluid lead to his death. His name is Kodiak Robert Nickles, I am so sorry I am sobbing as I write. Christmas is so hard and it is only 12.01.11 I would not have made if it wasnt for his twin brother kyan who is ok
Sharay
We lost our daughter Kayla on January 4, 2008. She was our first pregnancy and I didn’t know how much movement was normal. I was 32 weeks and had not felt much movement for the whole pregnancy. My dr tried for 45 min to find a heartbeat then I was sent to the hospital. We were only there for minutes when the ob resident told us she did not have a heartbeat. I felt like I was dying. My inducton went quickly and Kayla was soon in my arms. The worst feeling was leaving the hospital without her. One of her sisters was born in December that same year and her other sister was born in 2010. Pregnancy after having a stillborn baby sucks!! I was worried all the time. I just wanted it to be over and to hold my baby. Thank God I have amazing family and friends. I love that question ” how many children do you have?”, because it gives me a chance to talk about my Kayla. I love her and miss her everyday.
It was october 2nd 2011 i hadnt felt Savannah move since the night before it was 3 days before her due date . I was having bad contractions for 2 days i went in for a labor check on sept. 30th everything was fine that night i passed my mucous plug and called the dr. i was sure this was it i was gonna have my little girl in my arms that night , the nurses told me when i called that i was fine and to stay home cause my contractions were not 5 mins apart . so i did . when i layed down my contractions would go away for awhile so i was thinking this was false labor. This being my first i had no idea what to think or expect and listening to the “professionals” i thought we were in good hands. come sunday morning i just knew something was not right so i called the hospital and with hesitation they had me come in to get checked . they looked for her heartbeat for 45 mins. before calling for an ultrasound i remember as time passed the more i just knew something was wrong cause it never took that long to find her heartbeat. when the tech came in i saw the picture of my babygirl and where her heart was there was no movement i remember the tears running down my face hoping it wasnt real the tech told the dr. there was no fluid around her at all the dr. turned to me and said he was sorry and i just sobbed . All the plans and expectations we had all of dreams and planning we did , agreements we made on how we would raise her things we were gonna teach her games we would play with her all felt waisted away. I felt like i let down my husband my family, but most of all i felt like i let down Savannah .I delivered her at 5:22 am October 3rd 2011 , she weighed 7lbs 5oz. 21 inches long She was the most beautiful thing i have ever layed eyes on . i held her and sobbed and told her how sorry i was for this happening to her .Its only been 2 and half months and my life feels so hollow without her. This is the first time i have ever shared my feelings about this with others. im hoping this pain that wrenches on my soul will soon someday ease up . This is honestly the hardest thing i have ever endured in my entire life. I will love her and miss everyday of my life until we meet again. <3 Savannah Lynn Rhodes <3
I lost my baby boy, Ezekial Oliver, at 27 weeks on 14th Jan, 2012. Yesterday marked one month. As I sit here I am finding it hard to breathe and want to tear my heart out to stop the pain.
Seven weeks earlier we found out that Zeke had Hypoplastic Right Heart Syndrome, his pulmonary artery was also too small to function, he had a leaky valve between the top and bottom chambers of the one good side of his heart, as well as all of his organs, including his heart, having developed on the opposite sides of his body. Our cardiologist told us that, whilst his life expectancy would be shortened, a series of heart surgeries after birth would mean he would lead a relatively normal life. Being that the occurence of these conditions together meant that he was a one in a few million baby, we were told to keep in mind that it might get too much for his little body to handle. I just wasn’t expecting it to actually happen…
In the days before new years I stopped feeling him move, I went to a local doctor (as I was on holiday at the time) who told me he could hear his heart, but I went to see my own doctor as soon as I got home as I still wasn’t feeling him at all. I was sent straight in to have an ultrasound where they told me that while he was still alive, his condition had worsened and we would lose him by the end of the week. Four days later he was born sleeping with the angels.
I can’t help feel as though people are wanting me to move on and get over it and that because he didn’t get a chance to breathe I’m not entitled to grieve him and miss him in the same way. But I do miss him, he is in my every thought. When he was born, we organised to have his hands and feet done in plastercast impressions. I won’t get them for another 3 weeks yet but I can’t wait to see his little hands again. There is nothing that I want more than to hold him in my arms, hear his tiny cries and stroke his soft hair….
*Sweet Dreams Ezekial….Mummy loves you*
2010 Christmas, my husband gave a Willow Tree angle holding a child.. soon after I found out that I was pregnant. I told my husband this is the best Christmas present he gave me. I have 2 girls (10 and 5) and though the angle brought me my 3rd child, a son En Kai.
But I lost him during my 27weeks and he was born quiet and peacefully on the 17th June, 2011 and weigh 1Kg. I manage to have to strength top hold him and kiss him. But I dare not look at him and I regretted until now. He will always be in our heart and we will see him again in Haven.
i remember so very little of either girls..shock i guess, i dont know really -still feel like im n shock..but some of what u said i can barely remember..like the box an the card on the door to let others know…i am so so sorry for your loss.