My husband and I had completely different styles of grieving after the stillbirth of our angel Tanner. You don’t ask your spouse before you make your way to the altar “How will you grieve if one of our children dies?” “Will you respect the way I choose to honor our children after they pass on?”
For some reason I expected my husband to grieve exactly the way I did, even though our personalities are completely opposite.
He would come home from work and I would ask, “Did you talk about Tanner to anyone today?” “Did you mention Tanner’s name today?” “Did anyone ask about Tanner today?”
I breathed, ate and slept Tanner for several months after he died. There would be no “Silent Grief” here. I am a virgo which makes me a perfectionist, with all of my days organized and planned out. I just couldn’t do that anymore. I did not know what would happen next.
I read books on pregnancy and infant loss, books on heaven, and books of religious nature. I drew pencil sketches of living and deceased babies, I wrote poetry, I created a memory garden, I attended bible studies and workshops, I fought with my husband, I fought with family who didn’t say or do what I thought was appropriate. I freaked out, I drank red wine, I cried, I was lonely, I felt helpless, I felt useless, and I wanted to see Tanner.
It was only when Tanner died that I could finally grieve the 2 children lost years ago, tripling my sadness.
My husband, who I so deeply love could not help me. I did not know that then. I needed to reconnect with the church and God. It was only through this epiphany that I could allow my husband to love Tanner in his own way. It is OK because we both love him and our love is manifested through different mediums. I didn’t realize that his way included using a leveling tool to construct the benches in Tanner’s Memory Garden so they were just perfect. I on the other hand wanted them completed quickly.
I hope we can all find peace after the death of our children. I read this quote somewhere and thought it was so true, “The landscape of our life has changed, but it can still be a beautiful painting.”
If you would like to tell the story of your precious angels on this site, please do so on the Just a Cloud Away guestbook. Babies all have a story that started long before the 2 pink lines were visible. Your entry will remain anonymous if you choose. If you would like to memorialize your babies story on scrapbook pages, view http://justacloudaway.com/kits/index.html. My family heritage or family tree includes my babies in heaven. They will always be a part of our legacy here on earth.
Babies that died from SIDS, stillbirth, miscarriage, aborted babies and other pregnancy losses all have a story and they all have kissed our hearts in a special way. Allowing your spouse to express their grief in their own style is important for the healing journey. Communication was a very crucial component for us to survive as a loving married couple.
Peace Love and Hugs from Above www.justacloudaway.com
Diana
Today is the 4th anniversary of my wife and I losing triplets. December 18th, 2004. And in a strange sort of cruel way the mind and body has a way to bring a reminder. I woke up at the exact moment…5:38AM….this morning that I got the call from the hospital that day in 2004. Gregory Alexander, Olivia Lyn and Michael Bryan were lost that day. Along with their lives eventually went my marriage. It was so difficult to be the “spokesman” for the family those days and weeks afterwards. Trying so hard to shield, deflect even, the sad looks, sorrowful hugs and the questions of “how is she doing”. And in time it took a toll on our marriage that eventually we grew so far apart it reached a point of no repair.
So today as I travel to their gravesight I carry with me the burden of so much loss. I miss them all so very much. And even today those looks still appear. People are caring and concerned but in such this situation they never know what to say. I tell them they don’t have to say anything. Just be supportive.
I can’t believe it has been 4 years. So much time and yet the wounds are so fresh. The pain so searing. The loss still so great.
[...] We never truly know how our partner will react when a baby or pregnancy has come to an end. Most likely our husbands will grieve and display sorrow in a different manner. [...]
[...] We never truly know how our partner will react when a baby or pregnancy has come to an end. Most likely our husbands will grieve and display sorrow in a different manner. [...]