Having depression is one thing, but the side effects from medication are JUST as evil or greater because many surface with just one. Becoming physically unattractive killed my self-confidence, increasing my anger and frustration. For 3 years I was a guinea pig ingesting several meds at once, not knowing which medication was causing what or if it was depression itself. Simultaneously administered were; anxiety pills, mood stabilizers, antipsychotics, sleeping pills, antidepressants and medications warding off inevitable side effects. It took 3 months for medications to reach therapeutic level before they would listen to side effects. Then it was on to another.


A few medications caused brittle hair and hair loss. I frowned on daily showers because of low energy plus the new chore of cleaning enormous clumps of hair from the drain while my pony-tail band kept getting smaller and smaller. Facial skin turned pale, dried out, full of strange bumps and redness in certain parts, soon to be diagnosed with an incurable condition called Ocular Rosacea. It worsened with stress, wind, dry air, cold air, sunlight and being overheated, placing more restrictions on activities.


My weight fluctuated like a yo-yo between 105-145 pounds. I knew at one time I was attractive, but felt like fading away….


Standing in front of the mirror was agonizing when I needed to venture into public. It was an overwhelming thinking of the long preparation needed before feeling comfortable enough for others to lay their eyes on me. Some days it was too much.


This list doesn’t even touch the side effects contributing to the uncomfortable disabling medicinal symptoms not associated with physical self-image. Self-confidence died a long time ago and isn’t returned 100% , but I feel with stress at a minimum and continued support, my thoughts will eventually change.


The doormat lay in the same spot daily for it has a task to carry out. It diligently provides its owner with a firm welcome eliminating feces, dirt, and past insignificant filth from the soul of the shoes. The doormat knows when unwanted garbage is removed, its owner can start a new day with cleanliness, free from carrying signs of the unwanted past into the new day.

The doormat cannot survive without being tended to and everyday hopes to be renewed. The doormat knows its life can be extended if attention is given to its proper care.


The filth comes everyday with the same pattern of movement wearing down the durabilty and strength it had when purchased. The luster begins to fade and seams tatered by the repetition of the owners past journey. The doormat knows it may be discarded because of its defects and can no longer serve any purpose for the owner. Even in neglect, the doormat has hope of a new life because recycling will follow after the owner throws it away. With that hope comes  another home to provide for. The new doormat has so much to offer; a soft place to end the day, a firm welcome, and renewed luster providing years of service while being properly cared for.

new mat

The word “fuck” is now retired. It flowed freely every time my mouth opened to speak when emotions and negative thoughts controlled me. Another aspect of feeling better is no longer feeling raped of independence. Money had never been abundant because of my illness, but there was always “some”. I currently have minimal material things or means to get them without a source of income and I’m OK because there is a sense of hope. Having to rely on others doesn’t cause panic attacks and I can gracefully accept help without thinking my freedom is being jeopardized.

Medications for Clinical Depression and Attention Deficit Disorder are providing the opportunity to start living again. Did I loose 3 years with treatment for Bipolar Disorder? Numerous bipolar symptoms overlap with depression and ADD, so the defining moment of bipolar would cause mania to show its ugly face. So we wait…….

My current psychiatrists hold firm on the bipolar disorder but I choose to discontinue bipolar medication due to adverse effects as well as the previous 5 drugs from the last 3 years. An off-the-cuff diagnosis of borderline personality disorder was made while a specialized doctor’s diagnosis of ADD from NC was dismissed. It has been YEARS since feeling this good and meds are doing their job, so they will stay “as is”.

I am thankful for the unconditional support, love and prayers “YOU” have given me. Even if no words were spoken, I just know. Being disconnected physically and emotionally for 3 years from support was influenced by the illness and stubbornness, creating a comfort zone at home based on fear. Honestly, I would be content never leaving the home. Knowing this is my past unhealthy pattern, I am slowly venturing out to conquer anxiety with “YOU” by my side. I was out of my comfort zone lost for over an hour driving in the dark while raining and there was no panic attack in sight knowing “You” were a phone call away (but my stubbornness prevented that call :) Anxiety will be attacked without meds because I can do this!

My case worker/patient advocate is an angel. She looks at my life as a new adventure where the unknown is exciting. If you have anxiety, you know that the unknown brings worry, dread, fear, and panic, but I think we’ll go with her view.

To laugh and have a sense of humor should never be taken for granted. I never realized the impact when fun is absent from life until you don’t have it or can’t. If there were people having fun or laughing, I would exit as fast as I could. There are times to be serious as long as humor and laughter are integrated into my daily life because I missed it! My laugh is loud, scares babies and my dog cringe, so be prepared.

Just too many ways to communicate and I don’t agree will all. For someone with anxiety, texting will never be included in my form of communication and email doesn’t agree either. Facebook is only visited on occasion. I have a new cell phone number (please don’t give it to collections) and will send out privately :)

I have counted my many blessings and can move forward with a sense of peace……..

On October 8th I discontinued Topamax due to fatigue, nausea ocular viral infection, daily headaches, and the burning of my stomach, esophagus, and throat. Because every bit of food tasted like metal, the next four days were spent in bed sick to my stomach, unable to eat or drink. Ulcers in my mouth are painful, so swallowing anything is a challenge. Dry mouth and insatiable thirst are other symptoms, followed by frequent restroom visits.

During my first appointment with the psychiatrist, I conveyed concern about my worsening ADD symptoms and was told that the medication I was taking is not responsible for this, when in fact all documentation states Topamax adversely affects thinking, alertness and concentration. Short term memory loss is so severe that would lose a simple thought in a matter of seconds.

Coordination is beginning to be a problem. I currently have a black eye because my balance was off and fell int a door frame.

October 15th to the 16th eyesight changed drastically loosing my nearsightedness. After receiving eye drops from the ophthalmologist for a viral infection in both eyes came symptoms of double vision, halos surrounding lights, and pressure behind my eyes (the red flag for glaucoma)

I seem to have many common and rare side effects listed below and not sure if Topamax or Cymbalta are responsible.

Adverse events most often associated with the use of TOPAMAX® were central nervous system-related. In adults, the most significant of these can be classified into two general categories: 1) psychomotor slowing, difficulty with concentration, and speech or language problems, memory, confusion

Word-finding difficulties and 2) somnolence or fatigue.

Symptoms of overdose/toxicity include; abdominal pain, agitation, blurred vision, convulsions, depression, dizziness, double vision, drowsiness, impaired coordination, impaired mental activity, low blood pressure, reduced consciousness, severe diarrhea, sluggishness, and speech problems.

I have all the same side effects even after discontinuing Topamax and hoping there is no permanent damage or that my anti-depressent medication Cymbalta will be stopped for the same reasons, because both medications have similer side effects. I am so uncomfortable and just feel like shit.


Went to ECMC after a disagreement and spent 10 days to reach stability, which has been successful. The downside is that I have no emotion and cannot function. My rage and negative thoughts have disappeared but so have my energy and care for anything. Since being on the new medication all I did in the hospital was sleep. I am extremely tired all of the time and my mind is in a constant daydream state. Trying to concentrate is absolutely pointless. I move to another chair to smoke thinking maybe a hit of dopamine might trigger some motivation to do something…….but the fog is too great to overcome. I just sit and stare and my head sways back and forth like a drugged up patient just existing.

So the bipolar is being treated, just not ADHD. New medications are Topamax and Cymbalta along with synthetic thyroid and I hope to God my new shrink does not leave my ADHD untreated. Because right now it would be easy for me to fall back into depression as bill collectors are calling from hospital bills ex partner let pile up from months ago. The thought of me just existing is not an option, I am a doer. I NEVER enjoyed smoking pot and hate feeling this relaxed (if that’s what you call it ) and someone else can have it. I want my life back!!!!!!

I am lost, pissed, hurt, trapped, confused, depressed and this is not G-Rated

During the meeting my hurt grew beyond words as my mental illness was the only condition singled out. The other party’s condition was off limits to discussion even though a child will be residing with them and not me. Their mental illness does not need to be reviewed even though many have witnessed negative traits easily transferred to a child who suffers with the same condition, including the therapist’s observation. I have no rights as to someone’s mental condition as they care for the child. It’s just another thing taken away.

Someone said that he will not move to NY because NC is his home. That hurtful, ridiculous comment is ringing in my fucking head over and over and over again. YOU are not his home, home is where your immediate family resides all together, that is where home is. You are a transplant and have moved from your so called home, I am a transplant and moved from my home. So for the past 14 years I have lived in a house with my family and was NEVER FUCKING HOME? What the hell have I been doing here? So the child born to this home is also “home” and I seem to be displaced or lost and have no idea through all these years that I did not belong.

This same person made a devastating comment to me years ago, I unfortunately will never forget. When I was diagnosed Bipolar, they stated, “I have always thought that”. Are you kidding me…….I don’t know what to say. The same person seems to be the child’s mother figure now. They decided upon not moving forward with a decision I had made months ago with my partner regarding the child. They just took the bull by its horns while he just sat there saying nothing, Just keep ripping my fucking heart out, just keep stomping the life out of it and I am EXPECTED to communicate NICELY or there will be no response…………….I stayed alive tonight by writing this tribute to you…..so thank you

To round up the meeting with the best shit for last was to reiterate how I wanted to end my CONSTANT SUFFERING and BURDENSOME BEHAVIORS with a suicide attempt while I have a son who needs me. I surely needed to fucking hear that, thank you so much for what you have given me and what will ring over and over again in my ears as I patiently wait and wait and wait for some medicinal miracle to save my life and lessen the INTENSE stress for those around me…………..

I torture myself by looking up stories of people struggling as a couple and I do not find many stories I can relate to. Why is that??

  • I do not take drugs
  • I do not drink alcohol
  • I do not have outside sexual encounters
  • I do not discontinue medications
  • I get plenty of sleep
  • I HAVE been seeking CONSTANT treatment for years

So I am not the typical bipolar person who has difficulty in partnership, but my partner is the typical non-bipolar spouse and is confirming statistical data on the 90% that do not make it.

I don’t love you enough to fill the windshield wiper fluid before  your 12 hour car ride

I don’t love you enough to stock the fridge with unspoiled food after your 12 hour car ride home

I don’t love you enough to adhere to your therapist’s suggestions on ways I can alleviate some of your stress

I don’t love you enough to seek a support group for myself regarding your condition

I don’t love you enough to ask about your doctors appointments

I don’t love you enough to research constructive communication techniques regarding your condition

I don’t love you enough to care about what medications help with your various conditions

I don’t love you enough to include you in parental decision-making for our child while you are 700 miles away

I don’t love you enough to keep an eye on you after the therapist and your mother told me you were vulnerable

I don’t love you enough to spend time in the same room the second day you returned home from your suicide attempt

I don’t love you enough to have my own issues addressed, possibly alleviating some of your stress

I don’t love you enough to move in order to improve your health, increase your support system and decrease your loneliness

I don’t love you enough to inquire about your feelings everyday

I don’t love you enough to acknowledge your presence

I don’t love you enough to notice when you are crying while we are in the same room

I don’t love you enough to put your shoes on my feet to feel what  you are feeling

I don’t love you enough to change anything I do that has negatively impacted our relationship

I don’t love you enough to find out why I do the same things over and over again, adding to your frustration

I don’t love you enough to tell you before I tell my parents that divorce is imminent

I don’t love you enough to offer comfort when your businesses had to be closed and your career ended

I don’t love you enough to leave my parents

I don’t love you enough to sacrifice video game time

I don’t love  you enough to resolve a conflict before I leave for vacation while you stay home alone

I don’t know you enough to take our child away from his friends and grandparents

I don’t love you enough to stand by your side during the lowest point in your life

I don’t love you enough to waste another 3 years of you trying different medications

I don’t love you enough to do all I can to save our marriage

and I don’t love you enough to deny the fact that  love for my child is greater than the love I have for you, knowing this information will prolong your depression


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