I am lost, pissed, hurt, trapped, confused, depressed and this is not G-Rated
During the meeting my hurt grew beyond words as my mental illness was the only condition singled out. The other party’s condition was off limits to discussion even though a child will be residing with them and not me. Their mental illness does not need to be reviewed even though many have witnessed negative traits easily transferred to a child who suffers with the same condition, including the therapist’s observation. I have no rights as to someone’s mental condition as they care for the child. It’s just another thing taken away.
Someone said that he will not move to NY because NC is his home. That hurtful, ridiculous comment is ringing in my fucking head over and over and over again. YOU are not his home, home is where your immediate family resides all together, that is where home is. You are a transplant and have moved from your so called home, I am a transplant and moved from my home. So for the past 14 years I have lived in a house with my family and was NEVER FUCKING HOME? What the hell have I been doing here? So the child born to this home is also “home” and I seem to be displaced or lost and have no idea through all these years that I did not belong.
This same person made a devastating comment to me years ago, I unfortunately will never forget. When I was diagnosed Bipolar, they stated, “I have always thought that”. Are you kidding me…….I don’t know what to say. The same person seems to be the child’s mother figure now. They decided upon not moving forward with a decision I had made months ago with my partner regarding the child. They just took the bull by its horns while he just sat there saying nothing, Just keep ripping my fucking heart out, just keep stomping the life out of it and I am EXPECTED to communicate NICELY or there will be no response…………….I stayed alive tonight by writing this tribute to you…..so thank you
To round up the meeting with the best shit for last was to reiterate how I wanted to end my CONSTANT SUFFERING and BURDENSOME BEHAVIORS with a suicide attempt while I have a son who needs me. I surely needed to fucking hear that, thank you so much for what you have given me and what will ring over and over again in my ears as I patiently wait and wait and wait for some medicinal miracle to save my life and lessen the INTENSE stress for those around me…………..
I torture myself by looking up stories of people struggling as a couple and I do not find many stories I can relate to. Why is that??
- I do not take drugs
- I do not drink alcohol
- I do not have outside sexual encounters
- I do not discontinue medications
- I get plenty of sleep
- I HAVE been seeking CONSTANT treatment for years
So I am not the typical bipolar person who has difficulty in partnership, but my partner is the typical non-bipolar spouse and is confirming statistical data on the 90% that do not make it.