I checked into a crisis center (for those who could do harm) so I could wait there until a hospital bed opened (5 days of HELL). Moses Cone Hospital decides to take a girl (who spent less than a day) before me. I have no health insurance for mental health and we are still paying on my hospitalization from 2 years ago. This girl has medicare (which the hospital would be paid immediately), just decided to stop taking her medication, she smokes crack and boyfriend does heroin. I felt lost and alone when this happened. Hospitals can choose who they let in and it’s all about the dollar. At that point, I no longer wanted to be hospitalized for fear of how I would have reacted.
The crisis center was nothing like I imagined. Bed bolted down was the only thing in my room, along with snot on the wall where my head laid. Meals were high in fat and carbohydrates fed to us on paper plates, on the dirty floor. I did not breath fresh air the entire stay. There were other patients with anger issues that would wake me up in the middle of the night screaming, ” fuck this, fuck that, I am ready to leave this fucking place.” On occasion, they would be placed in the padded cell by the police officer or security guard. There were teenagers who had to hear all of this too. I didn’t take a shower for days because another patient said she just had a miscarriage (wasn’t true) and shit on herself. This same patient was pushing my buttons and thank you to the police officers, they helped me from attacking her.
I spent 5 days without any medicinal treatment. What a waste of time. They kept telling me that this is only a holding facility. You would think that treatment for the severely depressed would start immediately and continued at the hospital. The doctor prescribed paxil for depression and oxcarbazepine as a mood stabilizer. Unfortunately takes weeks to see if anything works. I just have to wait it out and stay calm.
For anyone that can help with my hospital bills and everything else, you can send to
2652 NC Highway 62 East Liberty, NC 27298
I cannot thank you enough……click here to read the story
Posted in Bipolar Disorder | 1 Comment »
Pride is crushed by desperation to keep the home, family and dreams of a stable life. I am asking for financial help and after reading this story, maybe you can find it in your heart.
2003- Our first child was stillborn, his name is Tanner. An umbilical cord accident and I don’t know if I caused it to tighten by raising my hands over my head during the last week. This will always be on my mind. Alcohol was my best friend for the month following his death. Not knowing I was Bipolar at that time, mania set in and the idea of constructing a memory garden turned into an obsession.
Soon afterwards, pregnant again against doctors wishes and the pregnancy followed the same season as with Tanner. This was a curse to endure wearing the same pregnancy clothing, seeing the same weather patterns and feeling unsure of baby movements. I did not want any family members to show their happiness for fear they weren’t grieving Tanner. My living son and Tanner’s birthday are 2 weeks apart.
2004- Our first living son was born by induction and I went into a deep depression shortly afterwards. Doctor prescribed antidepressants for postpartum because of unhealthy thoughts. Not knowing that Bipolar Disorder patients are sent into mania if a mood stabilizer is not also taken, ideas to help bereaved parents rushed my brain.
2006- Just a Cloud Away was incorporated as a resource for bereaved parents of baby loss. A scrapbook kit was the product designed to help bereaved parents work through their grief by memorializing their babies with the kit. I had a business coach and a one woman marketing company. I now see how many mistakes were made by their counsel with the biggest being a $60,000 home equity line used for new business ventures.
2007- Realization the kit would be a failure and the loan taking a lifetime to pay back. Started having relationship problems with friends and spouse
2008- Focusing more on Diana Digs Dirt
2010- In a manic state without thinking through, decided to open Cornerstone Garden
2011- Claimed bankruptcy because all credit cards were used for Just a Cloud Away. This horrible experience that rips your insides into oblivion sent me into another deep depression and decided to seek psychiatric help. In addition to existing ADHD, SAD and Panic Disorder was the forever diagnosis no one wants to hear, Bipolar Disorder. It took many months for myself and family to accept. One travels the same process as in death; Shock, Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance. The main goal is to stabilize the condition, called Bipolar Remission or Recovery. This is at least 6 months without mania or depression. The norm for Bipolar people will never be that of those without the condition.
2011-2014- Medications- It takes years to find the right combination for each individual. Everyone tolerates medicines differently, several different disorders could be present, tolerating side effects or dosage and the interactions of medications could cause confusion.
2012- First hospitalization for suicidal planning in an unfamiliar unit.
2013-Emergency Room visit for a severe panic attack. Another 9 days later, an over night stay in the hospital for Lithium Toxicity. Physical pain sets in causing difficulty moving in the morning and evening hours. Painful numbness in hands and forearms
2014-Trip to the crisis unit for severe panic attack and a week later to the ER for physical pain that cannot be identified.
Currently I have a Landscape Design company called Diana Digs Dirt, a garden shop named Cornerstone Garden and Just a Cloud Away. Loosing them would throw me into depression because the passion keeps me moving forward.
If you can help out it would be appreciated from the bottom of my heart
Diana Williams 2652 NC Hwy 62 East Liberty, NC 27298
Read how hospital rejects me
Posted in greensboro, Huh?!, tragedy | Tagged angels, Baby Loss, Bereaved Families, bereaved parents, Comforting Memory Gardens, death, grief, grieving, grieving families, grieving parents, infant loss, just a cloud away, miscarriage, pregnancy and infant loss, pregnancy loss, scammed, Scrapbook, Scrapbooking, Scrapbooks, stillbirth, Stillborn, stillborn baby, tanner | 1 Comment »
The window of energy is small and needing to take advantage of the Adderall rush. Completely weened off Prozac now. Was the past 3 months of hell due to the fact that Prozac was prescribed for a diagnosis of depression for me? I am hoping Lamictal will take effect in the next 2 weeks (I have been on now for 10 days).
Looking at my life and putting the pieces together for bipolar disorder is overwhelming and bittersweet. Finally a possible diagnosis, but fear of the future and managing this unpredictable condition for the rest of my life. Sometimes I feel like the bubble boy because I can see or feel the world continuing as I am at a stand still. It is frustrating and I get down because I have all these plans and ideas needing to implement and cannot. There are piles of projects inside and outside of the home just waiting for me. It is junky here, another reason to feel down.
It has always been a struggle for me to stay organized and neat, leading to anger with those around me who did not respect and comply with perfection. Below is a post regarding Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (yet another issue that sounds like me)
Patients diagnosed with this disorder are preoccupied with keeping order, attaining perfection, and maintaining mental and interpersonal control. They may spend a great deal of time adhering to plans, schedules, or rules from which they will not deviate, even at the expense of openness, flexibility, and efficiency. These patients are often unable to relax and may become “workaholics.” They may have problems in employment as well as in intimate relationships because they are very stiff and formal, and insist on doing everything their way. About 1% of the population has obsessive-compulsive personality disorder; the male/female ratio is about 2:1.
I don’t really believe in the zodiac signs, but Virgo’s ( August 23) tend to be perfectionists. Here is a good article on perfection and bipolar disorder. If you are Virgo, take a look at this article. I cannot believe how right on this is to describe myself, obsessive about order.
Posted in Bipolar Disorder, Depression, Rocky Roads Ahead | Tagged adderall, bipolar disorder, grief, lamictal, mental illness, OCD, prozac | 1 Comment »
Last night was absolutely horrible. Called the doctor, unfortunately he wasn’t on call and I talked (or cussed) at another. Cried, didn’t want to be around anyone, wanted to talk to someone, lastly, took 3 xanex to pass out and numb “it”.
Mind racing and tired thinking about teenage years. Found a good article to spot bipolar disorder in your teenager. Never thought I would see age 19 as a young teenager. Tried to commit suicide by swallowing aspirin (many), but didn’t work or maybe I didn’t really want it to work. Another try was with a friend driving after an event with a physically abusive boyfriend. I was so devastated at my life and my choices, I just wanted to die. My friend, who was at the wheel stomped on the gas and we were at high-speed and he yelled, “Do you really want to die?” I did not want him to die, so I told him no and I don’t think I was ready myself.
Another serious thought about suicide was after a DUI ticket, the end of a relationship, graduation from college and completely unsure of what to do next or what I could do next.
Teenage years were full of confusion and dealing with my shyness. I made compulsive choices during this time and actually all through my life. I remember riding the bus home and eating tons of chocolate and other kids saying, “How do you stay skinny eating all of that?” My hair changed color on a weekly basis and I would not hesitate to cut it into various styles. Later in life I actually shaved my head bald.
Teenage years I had a serious issue with rules and authority (from anyone). I would feel somehow imprisoned and trapped. Later on this led to job problems. My only solution was retiring to my bedroom and slamming the door or exploding with such passion I would see white.
Posted in Bipolar Disorder, Depression, Rocky Roads Ahead | Tagged bipolar disorder, Depression, impulsive behavior, mental illness, suicide, teenager | 1 Comment »
Organizing buttons, cleaning junk drawers and laundry are the only tasks I can complete to feel some kind of accomplishment. I have no interest in watching TV or listening to music, my life has come to a halt. My feet are molded in concrete and I’m donning a lead cloak. People would say, “I wish I had your energy” or “You are a superwoman”, before all of this started or maybe while in a manic state. I had been wanting to write of my thoughts and feelings many weeks ago, but just did not have the energy.
Why am I writing this on my stillborn son’s blog? It was only after his death in 2003 that I was introduced to medication. After my subsequent pregnancy (a living child) I suffered severe depression and since then have been on and off antidepressants with little relief. Was the reason he passed was to give his mother some direction as to a diagnosis for my problems? I don’t know.
After 3 months of being on antidepressants I knew something else was wrong. My highs and lows are very drastic and scary. I am confused and have issues needing to be fixed. My living son said I was lazy and my husband said I am always stressed. There is no mid ground for me, I am either very high or very low and small problems are NEVER small to me. I obsess over them and I am physically altered. My work is suffering, my home life and social is mostly non-existent. I was all packed up yesterday to get off to work and all of a sudden I sat down with dread and could not go.
After researching Bipolar Disorder online my mind is constantly racing trying to think of past events to affirm this diagnosis and many are present. I never gave Bipolar Disorder a thought because I assumed this is for crazy people. I am now prescribed Wellbutrin, Adderal, Prozac and Lamictal with Xanex taken when needed. Full of drugs and feeling this way is just incredible to me.
My dear son, if you ever read this, know that I always loved you the best I knew how…
Posted in Bipolar Disorder, Depression, Rocky Roads Ahead | Tagged anti-depressants, bipolar disorder, Depression, pregnancy loss, stillbirth | 1 Comment »